Wednesday, July 2, 2014

Angst



“Our greatest glory is not in never falling, but in rising every time we fall.” 

Confucius

“Nothing in this world can take the place of persistence. Talent will not; nothing is more common than unsuccessful men with talent. Genius will not; unrewarded genius is almost a proverb. Education will not; the world is full of educated derelicts. Persistence and determination alone are omnipotent. The slogan 'press on' has solved and always will solve the problems of the human race.
Calvin Coolidge

I have felt some angst about my writing lately. I feel like I haven’t given it enough time and attention. I feel that I’ve made it less of a priority. I don’t know what to do about that other than to do my work now and let go of my doubts and fears. It’s not enough to talk about writing or think about it.  To be a writer, I have to write.  That’s it.  That’s what makes me a writer. I just write.  It’s that easy and it’s that hard. 
It’s even harder now because my keyboard won’t type all the letters.  That’s one more battle that I have to fight.  Still I keep writing and I keep going.  Now my keyboard is working again.  I never thought I’d be extra grateful for the letters “i”, “o” and “u.”  This feels like I’m being tested.  It feels like I’m being asked, “How badly do you want this?”
So I keep writing and I’m grateful for the moments when all the keys work.  This is what I want to do, read and write.  I just want to be with my Muse. I just want to do my work.  Tonight things seem harder than usual.  Still I keep working.  This s really hard and really frustrating but I need t keep working.  Okay, I ‘m just gong t keep working until my computer starts working.  Eventually this will be fixed, but it’s putting me n a very foul mood though.  Still, I keep working.  I know I said that, but that’s what I have to do – I have to remind myself of what I’m doing.  I have to remind myself of why I‘m dong this.  I have to keep gong even when I this frustrated.
This blog will take forever to write this way, but I don’t seem to have a choice.  Well, I do have a choice.  I could stop writing, but that doesn’t seem to be much of a choice.  This is part of the process.  It helps to remember that the purpose of all battles is victory.  So how can I have victory when my frustration is so high?  The first thing I need to do is get calm.  I can do this through breathing, prayer, or tapping.  This is not the worst problem in the world and at this moment, it’s not a problem at all.  Maybe I can look for the blessing in this, which is that I am forced to stay focused because I never know when my keyboard will go out. 
So I keep working.  I can’t give up.  It’s no coincidence that when I resolve to take my writing more seriously that my keyboard starts going crazy.  It doesn’t matter.  I need to keep working.  If I gave up every time there was a setback, I would never get anything done. 
Now I’m falling asleep.  That doesn’t matter either.  I’m going to get this blog done.  I’m not giving up.  This is how Purpose goes sometimes.   I don’t often feel like doing my work, but it doesn’t matter.  Here I am anyway, doing my best to do my best.  That’s all I can do – my best.  I can’t do less.  At the moment I also can’t do much more. 
This may not have been my best blog ever.  It may look like I was rambling and falling asleep (I was), but I got it done.   My angst and frustration are gone.   Tomorrow hopefully my keyboard will be more cooperative and I will be more focused.  Tomorrow I will Get Started and Keep Going.  Tonight however, I can take pride in one more blog done