Today I resume my regular work schedule. I’m not happy about it, but I’m also not miserable. I’m grateful that I have work that I like and do well. It’s true, that I’d rather be waking up in my house on the beach and spending my day with my Muse, but my life is what it is at this moment, and resisting it will only make it worse. “At this moment” is a crucial phrase. What I do at this moment, at every moment, determines what future moments will be like. These moments include how I will direct my thought life. At this moment, I feel anxious because my life is not where I want it to be.
I don’t believe this anxiety is part of God’s plan for me, but before I dismiss it as bad and before I try to spiritualize or rationalize my way out of it, I should look at it. I should give it real attention. If I don’t, then it will persist, and keep vying for my attention, like a need child, not stopping until I answer.
So what is this anxiety about? It’s about all the different tensions.
There’s the tension of not being where I want to be in life.
There’s the tension of not having enough money to do what I want to do.
There’s the tension of not having the time I’d like.
There’s the tension of not being with my Muse in my house on the beach.
These are real. I have to acknowledge my feelings, my sadness and my frustration. I don’t have to give into them or let them run my day or my life, but I have to acknowledge them. I am sad. I am frustrated.
And by acknowledging that, I am now peaceful and I now have an answer or, more accurately, a series of them:
· I am very fortunate to be in the position I’m in. I have a good job and there are literally millions of people who would trade places with me.
· If I really want to write, then I need to write, when I can, as often as I can. If other commitments make that harder, so be it. If this were easy, it wouldn’t be worth fighting for. Life with my Muse is worth fighting for.
· It helps to remember that I have chosen this life. I have chosen to be with my Muse and to write. There is no better choice. So I accept the difficulties that come with it. These difficulties do not compare to the difficulties of being without my Muse.
· I can also accept that I struggle with distractions and poor time management. These too are difficulties, but they are not insurmountable.
· On a pragmatic level I can make my goals weekly instead of daily. In other words, instead of saying I will write three to six hours a day, I can say I will write 21 to 90 hours a week.
· I should also not forget my accomplishments. Yesterday I wrote my 300th blog for this calendar year, my 84th for the summer and 667th total. I’ve also written over 500 pages by hand since January.
· It helps to remember that there is no Plan B. This is what I’ve chosen. This is what I’ll do…somehow.
· A key element in future success is using my present well. That’s why I get up early. I have to remember that every minute counts.
· At the same time I have to enjoy every minute. I will get to my goal eventually. I want to enjoy the journey. I will work when I can. I will be happy when I cannot.
· In choosing this life, I recognize the inherent contradictions – such as work hard vs. be in the moment. I accept these contradictions and choose to continue writing.
· By getting up early and by using my time well, I have put in almost 90 minutes of writing. That is a good use of my time.
· All of this will be easier if I remember to be grateful for what I have and for what I have done so far.
· Get Started and Keep Going. That’s all I have to remember and do.