This is just another blog
after a long, long time because for the first time in a long time I am not
dealing with a crisis. But the last three years or so have been little more
than crises, shocks, and disappointments. Many of them have been huge, traumatic,
and even life-altering. I no longer know what to believe and I no longer know
what do – with this moment or with my life. Much of what I do currently and
many of the choices I am making are responses or reactions to whatever crisis
is occurring at the moment. I am trying to improve things, but I’m making
choices to do that, not because I have an inherent love for any of the choices I’m
making.
Napoleon Hill, author of Think and Grow Rich, says that one needs a definiteness of purpose.
I have none at this time. In the past few years I have worked on being a
writer, a historian, a teacher (both Adult Ed and 7-12), and a better parent. I
have been involved in local school district politics (and even won an election)
and I’ve been involved in my church. All of these activities have taken a toll
on me because they all came with unexpected twists and turns. Each area has brought
me joy but also pain.
So I’m sitting here with nothing to do, writing my first
blog in months. I feel lost. I don’t know what to do, but what I’m doing. And I’m
trying to do my best at that. I’m creating a new life, but I’m not sure how to
do it and I’m not sure what my creation will look like when it’s done. I just
know that I don’t want to be broke any longer.
That was written three days ago. Since then I’ve been hit
with circumstances and inspirations that have reminded me of what I love and
what I need to do.
The circumstances are my children and being made aware
over and over again how much they need me.
The
inspirations are finishing my third of three tests and now being eligible to
teach every level from kindergarten to college. I also just finished teaching
summer school and I was reminded of what a good teacher I am (and how I can improve).
I have rekindled my love for the subject
of US Presidents and want to put more time into studying that. Finally, my
Muse, whom I have not been giving enough attention to reminded me that I need
to return to my love of writing even if nothing comes of it. This makes her
happy and that’s enough for me.
Something
I’ve often wished for is for God to come down and give me direction through a burning
bush like He did for Moses or write letters on a wall like He did for Daniel or
even speak to me through an animal like He did for Balaam. I’ve wanted, for
years, for God to say to me, “This is the way. Walk in it,” like he did to Isaiah.
But no mystical revelation seems to be forthcoming. So, all I can do is what’s
put in front of me. But I think I can do it better and do it more purposefully.
I can study more in order to be more knowledgeable about Presidents and
parenting. I can listen to YouTube and audiobooks. I can go to lectures.
I
can also write more, not because I think anything will come of this, but because
I love writing. I lost my way with writing because I didn’t know who my
audience was and I allowed some well-meaning critique derail me. My Muse is my audience
– no one else.
If
none of this makes any sense or doesn’t seem completely clear, that’s because this
is just another blog after a long, long time and I’m a bit rusty. I’m also just
walking one step at a time. Presidents and parenting. I’m also involved in my
church and my union and I can deal with those activities as needed. But otherwise,
Presidents and parenting. And writing for my Muse. And the consistent reminder
to Get Started and to Keep Going
