The Desert

Tonight I felt hopeless. It’s not the first time I’ve felt hopeless in the last year or so. I’ve been in an ongoing battle for hope for several months now. It’s been one disaster after another. My own mind doesn’t help matters. I recently learned that I struggle with anxiety. I’m not sure to what degree, but it explains a lot. In his book, The Courage to Be, Paul Tillich differentiates anxiety from fear, the latter being a response to a real event or danger. Anxiety is more free-floating and can be present when no actual threat is present. I think many of us might be anxious. Some anxiety may feel justified. As I’ve said, I’ve had several events in the last year and a half that have ranged from exhausting to traumatic. Some are ongoing. None have completely resolved and I have many things hanging over my head.

Lately I’ve had this fantasy in which I get up one morning, very early, pack a few things, and drive away while it’s still dark, telling no one, leaving everything and everyone behind, except that which I can put in my car. In my fantasy I drive to some small desert town and get a job as a janitor or as a convenience store clerk. In my spare time I read and live alone. I keep to myself and live out my days alone and quiet. I’m never seen again.

It’s a great fantasy. It’s the fantasy of someone who is emotionally exhausted. But it’s also a fantasy of a coward. I don’t have the luxury of running away. Nor do I truly have a desire to do so. What keeps me from acting out my fantasy? The first reason is that I have people l love and am committed to where I am. My Muse wants me here, not for my comfort, but for my growth. My children want me here, not for my comfort, but for their growth. I cannot be the man I am supposed to be in the wilderness. I cannot dessert to the desert.

The second reason I will not flee is because I am with me wherever I go. I created, directly and indirectly the life I have now, and I would just re-create it somewhere else because I would still be me. I would still be the man who loves his children and tries to do the right thing and tries to listen to his Muse. We keep creating and re-creating our problems until we truly solve them.

Finally, life, true life, requires courage. Paul Tillich says this: “Courage is strength of mind, capable of conquering whatever threatens the attainment of the highest good. It is united with wisdom, the virtue which represents the four cardinal virtues, (the two others being temperance and justice.”[1]   

Courage then, when used, brings with it wisdom, temperance, and justice.

These blogs almost always encourage the reader to Get Started and Keep Going. I’ve often said that Getting Started is the harder part. I was wrong. It’s often surprisingly easy to get started (but not always). To keep going, day after day, week after week, month after month, year after year – that’s hard. These last several months have been the hardest of my life, not only because of the difficulties, but because of their severity, their frequency, and their seeming unending nature. I have sometimes felt that I am specially cursed by God for reasons I don’t understand and that my life will always be like this. Or maybe, just maybe, if I Keep Going, I will end up at the beach instead of the desert with my Muse and my children watching the waves from my house.

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[1] Tillich, Paul, The Courage to Be, Yale University Press, New Haven, CT and London, 2000.

Superheroes

In comic books there are different types of superheroes. (The same applies to supervillains, but I’d rather concentrate on the heroes.) One type of hero is the mutant. These characters are born with their powers. They have an extra advantage (or disadvantage as the case may be).  Examples of this type are Wolverine and the X-Men. For our purposes here, we will not discuss mutants. For the same reasons, we will not discuss magic-based characters such as Dr. Strange.

Another type of super-hero is the one who is an ordinary person but gains his or her powers through some fantastic event. Most superheroes fall into this category. Some are ordinary but have honed themselves to near perfection, like Batman, Hawkeye, or Black Widow. Others are powerful usually because of some scientific or biological discovery or mishap that created the character’s powers. Most characters fall into this category – the Black Panther, Spider-Man, the Hulk, Captain America, the Flash, Daredevil, and the Fantastic Four. (Some characters also have a technological power like, again, Hawkeye, or Green Arrow, Green Lantern, and Iron Man.)

Finally, there is the hero who is not magical or mutant but is born with his or her power. The most well-known heroes of this type are Superman and Wonder Woman. As stated in Kill Bill 2, while Spider-Man is really Peter Parker in disguise and Batman is really Bruce Wayne in disguise, the reverse is true for Superman. He really is Superman. Clark Kent is his disguise. Diana Prince is Wonder Woman’s disguise.

Still, it is not disguise, but identity which is relevant here. Identity and power.

We all have identity and we all have power. Sadly, many people find neither or at least not enough to fully realize their full potential. But we all have identity and power. And realizing one helps us realize the other. It doesn’t matter which we find first because they go together. It doesn’t matter if our powers came to us one day through some fantastic or even tragic event. It doesn’t matter if we’re Superman and Clark Kent or Peter Parker and Spider-Man. There are two truths at play here. One: we can choose who we want to be. We can also choose how to think, how to spend our time, and how to behave towards others. We can choose to view problems as obstacles or opportunities. How we choose to think is part of our super power. How we choose to act is another power we have. Ultimately what defines most comic book characters is not their costumes or even their unique abilities, but how they face adversity.

Most superheroes are borne out of crisis or tragedy. Most non-powered heroes are, too. None of us is immune to tragedy, setbacks, heartbreaks, or disappointment. It’s how we deal with them that makes us heroes (or villains). It’s how we choose to Get Started and Keep Going or how we quit that makes us heroes, defining and determining our identity and power (or not).

I have seen in my own life in the last few months an unusual number of setbacks and disappointments. I think if I had the choice, I would have just stayed at my place and retreated forever. But the nature of my problems and the love I have for those in my life and the love they have for me does not allow a retreat.

In her book You Are a Badass at Making Money, Jen Sincero discusses how it is the subconscious, even more than the conscious than can determine our lives and allow us to tap into or, more commonly, limit our power and hide our identity from us. She calls the subconscious “the little prince” and his job is to keep us safe. When we are young, this is helpful. But when we become adults, this is often counterproductive and even harmful. We say we want to be wealthy, but our little prince does not like the inherent risk, so he sabotages us by making us late to appointments and getting us into fights with the people we love.

A superhero is different. He has power and knows who he is, so he faces danger. He doesn’t look for it because it’s always there anyway. And so he often goes towards it because he knows on the other side, there is a better life. He is rescuing himself so he can take care of those he loves. He or she Gets Started and Keeps Going because that’s what superheroes do.

A Lesson Relearned

Recently I learned a lesson. Perhaps I relearned it because I had forgotten it. Either way, it was powerful.

At work there was a project that everyone had to do. The project was long, boring, and full of problems. No one, including those who were in charge of the project, were completely clear on all the elements necessary to do the work correctly. Inconsistent and even contradictory information was given by different supervisors. This was not intentional, but it created stress nonetheless. In addition, the project had a deadline and all other work, no matter how important, was to cease until each person completed his or her part of the project.

As I worked on my part of the project, I got into some trouble. It began taking longer than I thought it would. It was also harder than I thought it would be. I thought I would be in for a long and lonely night, trying to finish. I was reminded of another night when I was trying to finish a paper for a history class and it was taking far longer than I thought it would. It began feeling overwhelming and traumatic. And instead of bringing me comfort or rest, my easily distracted nature created more stress. I got on Facebook for a while and had a very unpleasant encounter with a complete stranger. I went for  a walk, but I felt scared and tired walking late at night. Nothing was comforting except doing the work, the work that seemed to take so long. Of the year and a half of my history Master’s program, that was my worst night.

Working on this project felt similar. I started feeling stressed and panicked and wondered if I would be exhausted and miserable in a couple of hours. Then something happened: a co-worker offered to help me with my work. At first I said no because I thought I was the only one who could do my part. My co-worker pointed out that this was incorrect. Then I almost said no again because I was embarrassed. But I said yes.

In thirty minutes, we were done.

It was amazing. In thirty minutes, we were done.

And here’s what I learned.

·         It’s better to work with others than it is to work alone, but only if you work with the right people.

·         It’s better to be with others than it is to be alone, but only if you are with the right people.

·         Work gets done faster not just because two or more people are doing it, but because the enthusiasm generated creates even more speed and enthusiasm.

I actually learned this lesson once before. Under the direct influence of someone I love very deeply, I got more work done in one week than I had gotten done in the previous month. I wanted to be like that person, to have her work ethic, and so I found the work invigorating in a way I couldn’t find on my own.

It’s okay to be alone. I have no problem with or fear of it. But sometimes, often, we need each other. We are not meant to go through life alone. I Get Started and Keep Going when my Muse or anyone who works well with me, pushes me to be better with someone than I can be alone.