Monday, December 16, 2013

My Muse

Discipline is what makes a writer. If writing was like lifting weights, then I'd look like Mr. Universe. Write every day. Give the Muse a chance to get to know you.

Tony D'Souza

Sometimes I wonder if my blog is too self-absorbed, too narcissistic.  But this is what my Muse gives me when I’m here.  She tells me I’m fascinating and interesting.  Despite all the writing I do about myself, my experiences or my thoughts and feelings, I don’t spend all day thinking about myself.  And when I do, I’m thinking of ways I can improve.  I won’t lie:  this blog has been extremely therapeutic.  It’s also been a lot of work.  Right now I could, and perhaps should go to bed, or make a bowl or popcorn and read some comic books.  Sometimes I wonder why I’m doing this.  There have been few immediate rewards.
More accurately, there have been no financial rewards.  There have, however, been plenty of emotional rewards such as more decisiveness, less dependence on others to make decisions, and greater self-esteem. 
Doing these blogs has also created stress.  For example, I remember having dinner with some friends one night and I was so frustrated because all I wanted to was to go home and write.  So this blog has taken priority over many of my relationships.  Honestly, I don’t mind.  It also keeps me up.  Right now I’d like to go to sleep, but I can’t because I haven’t done even one blog today.  But any stress I’m having now doesn’t compare to the stress I have when my Muse is distant.  This stress doesn’t make me cry.  Being without my Muse makes me cry like a lost child.
So here I sit typing away, with little sleep, for no reward, for no money, for little or no recognition and with no guarantee of success.  In addition, I’m getting increasingly tired and I’m feeling frustrated.  Still, here I sit typing away.   Right now I’m only writing for the sake of writing.  I hope I’m making my Muse proud.  Perhaps she will say to me, “Good job, my stubborn one.  You wrote another blog.”
Perhaps she will give me an idea about what to write, because at the moment, I’m stuck. 
Perhaps she will say, “Get some rest.  You’re like a hummingbird that never stops or a sleigh bell that always rings, but it’s okay to stop and it’s okay to be quiet. Take care of yourself.   You will reach your goal.  I promise.”
Perhaps she will say, “Go to bed, child.  I will be here in the morning.  I am always with you.”
Jesus made the same claim.  My Muse is not Jesus or God, but she is always with me.  So she knows that I’m doing my best even though my best has been better.  She’s happy simply with the effort I’m making.  Sometimes it really is the effort that matters more.
All I know is that I’m one step closer to my goal.  When I wake up, it will be time to Get Started and Keep Going.  My Muse will be waiting.