Self Sabotage

“Self-sabotage is when we say we want something and then go about making sure it doesn't happen.”

Alyce P. Cronyn-Selby

“Those who say life is knocking them down and giving them a tough time are usually the first to beat themselves up. Be on your own side.”

Rasheed Ogunlaru

“If you think of something, do it. Plenty of people often think, “I’d like to do this, or that.”

Lydia Davis

Today I got hit with the worst case of vertigo I've had in two years. And it’s only four days before I reach (or don't reach) my goal of 150 blog posts by my birthday, July 1. Coincidence? I think not.  This is the Enemy at work.  This is how it goes.  What is the Enemy?  I’ve written about the Enemy before.  Is it a spiritual force that is out to destroy our work and destroy me.( http://robertf71.blogspot.com/2013/01/the-enemy-part-1.html and http://robertf71.blogspot.com/2013/01/the-enemy-part-ii.html)   Or is it internal, an inner force that orchestrates my own self-sabotage?  Or is it not an Enemy at all?  Perhaps it’s life or God testing my resolve and the seriousness of my commitment to my goals.

The truth is, it doesn’t matter.  All that matters is my response.  I can give up or I can keep going.  This moment is hard.  I’m tired.  I don’t feel well.  I should be resting or watching a movie. Part of me wonders why I’m even doing this.  I’m not going to get anything from doing this. I won’t make any money.  I don’t know if many people will notice or care.  Worst of all, I don’t even have a guarantee that I will reach my goal. Am I really putting myself under all this stress?  It’s summer and I have time to myself and this is how I’m choosing to spend my time? 

That last question reminds me of a different time in my life.  I was going to Grossmont Community College and we had a one-week spring break vacation.  I was taking a Spanish class and I wasn’t doing well.  I was determined to use the week off to study and get caught up.  I didn’t use on minute, literally not one minute, to study.  When I returned to school the Monday after Easter, someone asked me how my vacation was.  I said, “Terrible!  I didn’t get any studying done.  I felt like I wasted a week.”

I got a D in that class.  And I felt bad about myself.  I’ve used this quote from George Carlin before:  “Most people with low self-esteem earned it.”  I certainly earned mine along with the grade. 

So now I’m building my self-esteem by doing things differently. Maybe all of this will lead to nothing.  Maybe I won’t write a book or make any money from this.  It doesn’t matter though because I’ll be able to say that I did my very, very best.  When next Monday comes, I won’t say that I didn’t get anything done.  What I will say is that I did my best to Get Started and Keep Going.