Saturday, April 26, 2014

Fighting Something

I don’t know why, but I have really had a hard time focusing this morning, more than usual.  But I haven’t wasted my time.  I’ve gotten some things done.  I did some cleaning and organizing and I’ve thrown some things away.  But I’ve really had a hard time focusing on my writing.  There’s this picture in my head in which I wake up and begin writing immediately.  I don’t allow anything to distract me.  First I do my Morning Write, and then I write a blog.  After that I study or perhaps do my radio show.  It rarely goes like that, but that is the picture in my head.  This leaves me with some questions:
Is the picture in my head wrong?  Should I relax and just go with what is?  Is my resistance to my resistance causing more resistance?  Though I haven’t been focused on my writing as much as I would have liked, I have cleaned my place and organized some things.  I feel a little calmer and I’m happy that I set up a system that will help me to keep things organized.  Maybe that was what I needed to do more than writing.  There is a lot of power and freedom in just going with the moment.  In fact, what I’d really like to give my place a good cleaning.  That would make me feel better.
On the other hand, is the picture in my head right?  Is this sudden urge to clean another form of resistance?  Is this one more way to avoid my work?    I still haven’t finished this blog, or reading, or my radio show.  These are my things I’ve committed to doing every day and I haven’t done them.  This puts me in danger of not getting them done at all today, or perhaps doing them when I’m tired. 
Perhaps there is truth in both ideas.   Perhaps I should ask some different questions.
Am I doing as much as I can?
How will I feel at the end of the day with whatever choices I’ve made?
The first question is more peaceful.  If I do as much as I can, I don’t have to always be tied to a schedule, self-imposed or otherwise.  If something else needs to be done, I can do it.  I can get to my writing or my other commitments later.  This takes the pressure off of me.  This might actually encourage me to do more.  Instead of stopping at one or two blogs a day, perhaps I can do three or four on some days.  With a global perspective, I don’t think it makes a difference to most people if I’ve done 520 blogs or 530 blogs.  They’re both more than 500 and that’s an accomplishment either way. 
Besides, I shouldn’t be doing any of this because of what people might think; I should be doing this because it’s what I want to do. 
What I want to do is write.  I want to study.  I want to reach my goals.  At the same time I want to live a life of peace and joy.  I want to reduce stress as much as possible.
So, how will I feel at the end of the day with the choices I’ve made?  If I go to sleep and my place is clean and I’ve done my work and I have enjoyed whatever has happened, then I will probably feel pretty good.  At this point, then, I’ll write.  Then I’ll clean my place or meditate or do my show.   I will take what comes. 
There doesn’t have to be a battle between Presence and Purpose.
I can write and be present.  I can clean my place and be in my purpose. 
I am doing all I can.  I am being what I am.
Perhaps it would also be helpful to give up the quest for perfection.  I read a lot and I know as a motivational writer that most writers put forth the ideal way to live, to be, or to write.   Unintentionally, this creates pressure.  I also have to remember that I’m constantly fighting my inner critic, the one who is never happy with what I do.
And there it is.  That’s what I’ve been fighting all morning without even realizing it – the Inner Critic. 
At the moment, I feel like a comic book superhero who was just given a last page surprise by a hidden villain.  This would be continued in the next comic book.  But my life is not a comic book.  I can’t wait for 30 days to solve my problems.  I need to deal with them as quickly as possible.  Fortunately, in naming the enemy I have now exposed it and I know how to fight it. 
So, though it may seem contradictory, this will be continued…in the next blog.  I will write about the Inner Critic, how it has impacted my life and how I can fight it.
Was this blog too personal and of no practical use to anyone else?  Perhaps.  But I think that all of us who are on a path to create fight hidden enemies.  We don’t know why we aren’t doing our work, we just aren’t.  We’re fighting something unseen and because we don’t know what it is, we don’t know how to fight it.  Still, even if we’re under a cloud of confusion, that doesn’t mean we have to stop working.
Now I can see my enemy.  The battle is half won.  In fact, because I got this blog written, it is a complete victory.  I won.   I feel liberated.  I’m ready to Get Started and Keep Going…more.