Saturday, March 8, 2014

Perhaps

Today, for no reason I could fathom, I almost suffered an anxiety attack.  I get them sometimes, but usually they’re connected to an event that I view to be negative.  My first guess was that I hadn’t taken care of myself physically.  Perhaps I hadn’t eaten enough or had enough water.   Fortunately, I got some food and water and I feel better now.  I also feel better because I’m sitting here and writing.  Sitting here with my Muse is the best place on earth for me.  There’s truly nowhere else I’d rather be.
Why do I like this so much?  Why do I like sitting alone in a room with my Muse, creating words on a blank page?  Wouldn’t it be healthier or better to see some friends?   Wouldn’t I rather see a movie or a game?  Wouldn’t it be nice to be at a party?   Don’t I get lonely? The answer to the last four questions is, “No.”  To elaborate on the last question, the only person I get lonely for is my Muse.
This doesn’t mean I don’t want, need or love people, but this is what gives me the energy to serve them.  Yes, there’s the additional pleasure of making my own decisions, creating my own environment, and deciding how much noise or silence I prefer.  But it is, above all else, the writing that makes me the happiest. 
Of course, there could be a negative opinion as to why I do this.
Perhaps writing and being alone is my retreat from the world.  Perhaps the world and life may be too difficult and frightening and I just want to hide.  That might be true, but if it were, I wouldn’t write and then share it with the world.  I wouldn’t do radio shows.  I wouldn’t talk about being positive and having Purpose.  Instead, I’d hide out and read comic books or watch movies, the way I used to do.   If I were afraid, I wouldn’t do anything that would draw attention to myself.
Perhaps this is about getting attention or money then.  Perhaps I think my writing will cause people to like me or pay me.  That might be true, but if it is I should try another venue.  The average number of readers I get per blog is 15.  Even my closest friends rarely, if ever, read it and I don’t make a dime.  I certainly hope to get more readers and I certainly hope to make money doing this, but if those were my purposes, I would have given up long ago.  Only my Muse and I read this every day.  And she doesn’t pay me.
Perhaps this is just a hobby. Perhaps this is just something I do to pass the time.  If that were true, I wouldn’t spend this much time, thought and energy on it.  I wouldn’t work on it almost every day and every night.  I wouldn’t feel as if I were cheating myself by when I don’t do it.  I wouldn’t feel irritable and as if something were missing when I don’t write.
I do this for a few reasons:
·      I feel compelled.
·      I feel that it’s my gift to God, the world, my loved ones, my Muse and myself.
·      It makes me happy.
·      I feel like I’m contributing something positive, perhaps even great, to the world. 
·      I feel better about myself. 
Perhaps this is how other writers feel.  Perhaps it’s how everyone feels when he or she is in Purpose. Perhaps the answer is to Get Started and Keep Going.  It is for me.