Sunday, March 2, 2014

LIke a Hummingbird

“Neither the hummingbird nor the flower wonders how beautiful it is.”


Sometimes I feel like a hummingbird.  While I don’t have wings that move 12-80 times per second, I can move pretty fast and I’m moving constantly.  I weigh more than I used to, but for much of my life I was very underweight.  In fact, when I was younger, I was so thin that some people thought I was gay because they assumed my weight was a symptom of being HIV positive (I’m not making that up).  Like the hummingbird, I can move backwards and it doesn’t seem to cause a problem for me.  I have a very high metabolism, which makes me feel younger than my actual age.   Finally, while I don’t know this for sure, I think, like the hummingbird, I will live a long life span.
First, there’s my constant movement.  This aspect of my life has often caused me difficulty.  It’s hard for me to sit still or focus on a task, but when I do, I can be like a hummingbird with a flower.   All that matters is that moment.   Unfortunately, unless I’m with a flower, it’s hard to focus.  My flower is my Muse.  She keeps me calmer and more focused than I’ve ever been in my life.  Because of her I have moved forward in ways that I haven’t been able to in years. 
One of the advantages of being a hummingbird is the number of flowers to choose from.  Well, for me there’s only one flower, my Muse; but she takes me down many different paths.   In addition to writing, I can read and learn from anything.  I can often apply this learning to something I’m writing or teaching.  I can do radio shows.  I can teach.  In fact, currently I’m teaching three completely different subjects to three different kinds of students and this doesn’t bother me.  In fact, it seems normal.  I’m also working on financial goals and physical goals. 
I can use my metabolism to get a lot done and to help a lot of people.  I may never see all the results of the work I do, but it doesn’t matter, as long as I get results.  I don’t mind flitting from place to place to create a more beautiful world.  It seems like a great way to live.
There’s not much more to say about my weight.  I’m taking care of my health.  I don’t do well when I’m sick, obviously, but I really don’t do well.  Fortunately, and this may because of my high metabolism, I’m rarely sick for long.  Interestingly, a couple of years ago I developed vertigo, a condition that makes movement, even driving a car, difficult.  This forces me to stop moving.  I have to lie down on each side for about 15 minutes until the symptoms disappear.  Although I hate vertigo, I like lying still.  I find it peaceful.  Unfortunately it sometimes takes an illness to get me to do this.  This is why I meditate.
My metabolism amazes me.  In my bad moments I am impatient and intolerant of delays.  In my good moments I like dancing, walking and doing anything active.  If I’m on the phone, I might also be cleaning my place at the same time.  To focus on tasks when my high metabolism veers towards hyperactivity, I try to do things in short bursts rather than long stretches.  I cannot do long stretches, but I can do a lot of short bursts.   When I’m writing, it is different.  I can sit and write for a long time, but even then not always.  One of my cardinal sins as a writer is that I usually edit while I’m writing.  According to traditional writing advice, one should write first, then edit.  I can’t do it.  If I see an error, I have to fix it before I can move on.  I am who I am.
So that’s me.  As I said, I am who I am.  For years I hated who I was or at least parts of me.  I was embarrassed to be me.   Now I realize it’s okay to embrace my inner (and outer) hummingbird.  Flowers love me.  I’m hyperactive, easily distracted and can rarely focus.  I’m also well-read, know a lot of people and have written 460 blogs in just over a year.  I’m always doing something, helping someone or thinking of how to help someone or improve my own life.  I’m always looking for new ideas, a quality that is indispensable to writing.   Yes, I’m always in the middle of several books at the same time, but I can summarize all of them.  I’m not just a hummingbird; I’m a smart hummingbird.  Like the flower, I am beautiful.
We are all who we are.  Rather than fight it, allow it.  Work with it.  Find the good in it.  Get it healed or changed if it’s really a problem, but recognize that it may be a strength.  No, I can’t sit still, but I’m good at moving around to all my students.  I can’t always focus, but I can read a lot.  I move quickly, but well.  I almost always know what I’m doing.  Most of all, I’m thankful for my flower, my Muse.  She helps me to Get Started and to Keep Going…like a hummingbird.