It always surprises me, though it never should, how easily I resist growth. I create goals that I know will be good for me. I move towards those goals, but then I always find something else to do. Usually the “something else” is not productive or helpful. In other words, I’m wasting time. Right now, however, I’m not. I’m working and I feel my irritability fading. It’s amazing how strong the Enemy is. Not only does it throw procrastination at me, but there’s also self-doubt. Do I write about myself? Would people get bored? Am I saying anything new or different? Why am I doing this? Why am I putting myself through this? So it goes, on and on.
There are only two solutions to this. The first is to give up. The second is to keep working. Giving up is subtler than it seems. There’s the dramatic surrender, when I just quit completely. I’ve done that before.
Recently I completely dropped out of an online sales effort that a friend was trying to get me involved in. I went in half-heartedly and then avoided all efforts to do anything with it and finally dropped it completely. I didn’t even try to make it work. I had no interest in it. My friend (though I imagine she doesn’t want to be a friend anymore) kept encouraging me to try, but I was adamant and stubborn. I wouldn’t even try and the more she encouraged me, the more I resisted. Finally, I called the organization and removed myself completely from it, inadvertently upsetting my friend and the owner of the organization. It was not one of my finer moments. But it was one of the Enemy’s finest moments with me. I gave up completely.
Other times I have given up a little at a time. For some reason, I’ve been very inconsistent with my radio show. I like doing it, but I also seem to allow other things keep me from doing it. Sometimes I’m tired. Other times I tell myself it’s too cold. Yet those things didn’t stop me before. I’m not sure what’s going on here. I tell myself it’s important, but I don’t do it.
Here’s the good news: today is a new day. I can do a radio show today. In fact, I have scheduled one already. If I wanted, I could go back to my friend, apologize (again) and ask to give it another try. I choose not to do that until I understand why selling of this kind creates such a strong emotional charge. But I could if I wanted to. The Enemy, as strong as it is, is only as strong as I allow it to be. I can always make a different choice.
My other option is to Get Started and Keep Going. So I sit here and I write. Tonight I will do more. And tomorrow. And the next day. Why do I do this? I do this because I want to, because I need to. I do this because it makes my life better. I’m even arrogant enough to believe it makes other people’s lives better. I do this even when I feel like it could be better, which it could, and which I always feel.
I do this most of all, because it makes my Muse happy.
It makes me happy, too.
Taking action is my only solution. That’s why the battle is so fierce and so constant. The Enemy doesn’t want me to be happy. But I am because I stayed in my Purpose. And I’ll do it again tomorrow. That's not my only solution, but it's the best one.