Monday, February 10, 2014

Waiting and Working

 The last few days have been somewhat emotional.  There have been some moments of almost overwhelming fear, sadness and anger.  But there have also been moments of calm, joy and clarity.  In the last few days I have seen some relationships heal and I’ve seen uncertainty in others.  More importantly, I’ve had some revelations.
The first is that I need to take care of myself.  I need to drink more water specifically.  That will prevent anxiety attacks like the one I had recently.  Before all else, I need my mind clear.  My last attack was so bad I felt like it was going to kill me.  It didn’t.  I got prayer and then immediately after the prayer I got some good news.  Then, later, the event that triggered the attack resolved itself.
Yesterday I could feel another panic attack coming.  I’ve written in the past of how I’ve been delivered from them through prayer or tapping or breathing or focusing on the inner body or doing The Work.  But this time, I thought, “I’m sick of this!  I’m sick of fear!  I’m actually becoming embarrassed about having to constantly call someone just to get help.  I don’t want simple relief.  I want healing!  I want this to stop!”
So I went to Starbucks and got a large glass of ice water and drank like a man in the dessert.  I started calming down.  I then realized that a big part of my attacks may have been physical.  I have not been taking care of myself.  I simply don’t drink enough water. 
I don’t need relief.  I need prevention!  I’m not saying that I won’t need tapping or prayer or The Work in the future, but what I really need is to not have my fears at all.  I need to take care of my body.
I also need to take care of my mind.   One of my biggest fears is the fear of loss.  I’m afraid of all the same things everyone else is afraid of.  I’m afraid of losing friendships and love and of being alone or broke for the rest of my life.   But I don’t think any of those fears are going to be realized.  What I believe is true is that I will get what I need and want in life, but I need to do two things.  I need to wait and I need to work.
Waiting is hard.  But that’s all it is.  It’s just waiting.  I’m awaiting good things.  I’m awaiting a better future.  I’m waiting for my house on the beach most of all.  But I have to actually wait.  I have to be patient.  What makes the waiting infinitely easier is to accept it.  I can’t be like the little child in the back seat of the car who keeps impatiently repeating, “Are we there yet?  Are we there yet?”
A journey takes time.  Sometimes it takes a lot of time and sometimes it may take less than we think. Brian Tracy says everything will take more time than we think.  That may or may not be true.  I have certain calendar dates by which I hope to reach my destinations. I need calendar dates to motivate me, to stay on task and to assure completion.  I need to arrive at my destination eventually, but if things don’t happen on my timeline, I can adjust.  What I can’t do is give up.
Life is a journey.  A journey has a destination.  Without a destination a journey has not purpose. Here’s the thing:  I’m not in the driver’s seat; God is.  So I need to enjoy the ride and wait.
I need not wait passively however.  The metaphor of the journey breaks down a little here.   On a real journey, while I’m sitting in the back seat, there’s not much I can do.  I can look at the scenery or read or do puzzles or listen to music or audio books or talk to someone.  But again, I have to remember the idea of the journey is only metaphorical.  I have actual concrete goals and I need to do physical, emotional, intellectual and spiritual work.  Every. Day.   I cannot sit passively in the back seat as the scenery passes me by.  I have to work.  Every.  Day. 
Every day I need to do something, several things, that move me towards my goals.  Every.  Day.  Some days I need to rest.  Rest can be part of my work.  But most days, six out of seven, I need to work.  I need to write blogs and do radio shows and save money and study.  I need to prepare for that house on the beach.  I need to be ready for the day the opportunity arrives.  There are few things worse than being unprepared for an opportunity. 
So I’m drinking water and eating well and getting sleep.  I’m taking care of my relationships and I’m taking care of myself.  I’m valuing my time and my energy, both of which are finite in quantity, but infinite in value.   I’m going to Get Started and Keep Going…while I’m waiting and working.