Sunday, February 23, 2014

Some Thoughts

“Flowers grow out of dark moments.”

Corita Kent – Moments of 1984

Every time, every single time, I sit down to write, I face the Enemy.  The Enemy is my own procrastination.  But I also see my Muse once I Get Started and Keep Going.  It’s late and I’m not as tired as I was last night, but I want to get to bed soon so I can get up early and get things done.  The things I want to do most of all are read and write.  I got a lot done today, but I have a big week coming up and I’m not ready for it.  Specifically, I need to prepare for my math class.  In addition, I’m only 55 blogs away from 500.
Can I do it? 
Can I read 200 books? 
Can I save the amount of money I want?
Can I teach well? 
Can I follow through on all my commitments?
I can, but I have to be diligent.  That’s the most important thing.  I have to fight procrastination and excuses.  I have to keep working but still enjoy life.  I’m not interested in becoming obsessed.  Sometimes I wonder if I’m setting up these goals just so I can fail and confirm hidden self-beliefs that I’m not good enough.  At other times I wonder if my ADHD causes me to get excited about something and then lose interest after a while.  That was the accusation leveled against me when I first started these blogs, but I’ve held on and I’ve stayed with it.  For a while I was afraid of not doing them, because I didn’t want my accusers’ words to be true.  I didn’t want another surrender on my list.
Now, however, much of that fear is gone.  I rarely worry about who’s reading or not reading these and I never worry about what inconsistencies I have in my past.  I’ve stayed consistent with this.  Rarely does a day go by that I don’t write.  I not only write the blogs, but I write at least three pages every morning.  I really do have that image in my head, the image of my house on the beach and reading and writing every day for a living.
Today I was reading Paths of Life by Alice Miller and I began to understand why people act the way they do and why I have acted the way I do sometimes.  I realized that most people are doing the best they can and when it’s not good enough, it’s because some people truly don’t know any better.  This is not to excuse bad or hurtful behavior, but everyone has their limits and their failings.  It’s also not to say that if everything were perfect, then people would be perfect too.  The story of the Garden of Eden disproves that idea.  Maybe life isn’t about being perfect though.  Maybe it’s about perfecting, always perfecting and always improving.  Or maybe it’s about grace and forgiveness even for areas where I don’t seem to improve. 
The bad stuff in life can be used to shape us or warp us.  For most of us, it may be a little of both, or a lot of one or the other.  For a long time I was really warped with regard to many of my choices and reactions.  Now I see that I can choose differently.  I don’t have to be perfect, but I don’t have to be dysfunctional either. Flowers can and do grow out of dark moments.  I can be an example of someone who is in the process of healing.  Most of all, I want my children and my Muse to see that I’m trying to be better. 
It’s funny because as I was writing this blog I was sure it was going to be disjointed and senseless.  Where is my Muse?  Is she far away in the mountains or the desert?  No, she’s with me.  She’s always with me.  I just need to sit in this chair and write.  So this blog makes sense.  Its theme is writing.  What I’m doing here is what many artists and creative people go through.  They do a lot of work.  Sometimes they wonder if it’s any good.  At other times it doesn’t matter.  All that matters is doing it. 
So I did it.  I wrote another blog.  Is it my best blog ever?  I don’t know, but it’s my best effort at this point.  And that’s all I can ask of myself.  I did my best even though I was falling asleep as I was writing this.  I did my best.