Monday, October 21, 2013

Fatigue


“It was one of those moments of perfect tiredness, of having conquered not only the work at hand, but the night who had blocked the way.”



“I am so tired, I can hardly type these worfs.”


“The first virtue in a soldier is endurance of fatigue; courage is only the second virtue.

Napoleon Bonaparte




I absolutely do not want to write.  I’m exhausted.  After work, I came home only to discover that I had left my computer at work and so I had to go back.  All I want to do is go to bed, but then I tell myself that determination is the emotion without emotion and that I am determined to write two blogs a day, no matter what.
Was that self-sabotage when I left my computer at work?  Was I trying to avoid my commitment?  Or was I just tired and forgetful?  Or was it a little of both?  It doesn’t matter, because I have my computer now and while this blog may be short, at least it will get written. 
All I want to do is finish though.  I have no enthusiasm for this at the moment.  That’s how it goes sometimes.  Perhaps if I had not overslept, I would have done my first blog in the morning and my second one in the afternoon.  I think I need to not do them late at night.   No one does well when they’re tired.  I also don’t want to burn myself out.  Still, I have no complaints.  I’m lucky to have this. 
Yes, it’s hard at the moment, but when I’m done, I’ll be one step closer to my goal of 50 this month and 365 by December 29, 2013.  By next spring, if I stay with my goal, I will have written 500 blogs.  Is there that much writing in me?   Do I have that many constructive and helpful things to say?  It seems pretty daunting.  I’m not even sure if anyone has written this many blogs in this space of time.  Maybe I’ll be the first.  Wouldn’t that be funny if I reached some kind of record for the number of blogs written?  That’s certainly not my goal, but it would be fun.
All I want now is to finish this blog.  Then I want to sleep.  Tomorrow I need to get up early so I can get a blog done in the morning and my second one in the afternoon.  I need my nights off.   So this is how the process works.  It went from a few blogs a month to one a day to two a day.  Now I’m focusing on the specific times I want to write.  That’s how it works, especially when in Purpose.  I learn more and more.  I get better.  I create more.  I add more responsibilities and I’m more effective with my time. 
Today during my afternoon break, I did a radio show, a You Tube video, a blog and I did some shopping, had lunch, read a chapter of The Brothers Karamozov and even got a quick nap.  What makes a difference is how I use my time.  If I’m careful I can get a lot done every day.  It’s a matter of not only time management, but of life management.
So even though I’m tired, I can keep writing.  Perhaps I’m even a little delirious right now, but I keep going.  That’s it.  I just keep going.  My body wants to sleep, but my mind won’t let me until I finish this.  Then I can rest.  But really I have nothing more to say tonight.  I don’t think I’ve said anything yet. 
Is there anything I’ve written here that might give someone hope or encouragement? 
Is there anything here that might inspire or motivate?
I don’t know.  All I now is that I need to keep writing until I finish and I hope this sets an example of fulfilling your Purpose, even if it doesn’t feel fulfilling at the moment.  I’m literally falling asleep as I’m writing.  But that’s how it goes sometimes.  I just keep going.
Get Started.
Keep Going.
Often I’ve said that getting started is the hardest part.  To keep going is sometimes harder because sometimes when I get started there’s this initial feeling of enthusiasm.  When I keep going there’s often none of that. 
I’m almost done.  Just finish the damn thing. 
Keep Going.
Keep Going.
Keep Going. 
Then go to bed.