I'm not a fighter, but in my mind I'm fighting every day. 'What's new? What am I doing?' I'm fighting myself. My soul is samurai. My roots aren't samurai, but my soul is.”
I wrote something but I didn’t like it, so I’m starting again. I haven’t written a blog in more than two days, and that’s too long. What I wrote first was too similar to something I’d written before. So I’m starting again. Here’s something I know: I can’t take two days off again. It makes it harder to write. Doing this every day is hard. Not doing this every day is harder. There’s another reason this is hard: I’m not being completely honest.
Today while reading a blog by Steven Pressfield, (http://www.stevenpressfield.com/2014/05/panic-attacks/) I was struck by his honesty as he admitted his own self-sabotage. He’s one of my writing heroes, so I just assumed that he had resistance beaten. Of course, he doesn’t. No one does completely. I certainly don’t, or I wouldn’t have let two days go by without writing. I wouldn’t have wasted time playing online games when I should have been writing. This battle will never end and I just have to realize it. Thinking that I have the Enemy beaten is what defeats me.
As I said, I was struck by his honesty and it led me to this question:
“How much of himself or herself does a writer give away?”
Part of the joy and part of the job of being a writer is to be somewhat introverted. I can’t really be around people when I’m doing my work and that’s okay. At the same time, I’m sharing myself with the world. More precisely I’m sharing myself with a world that I imagine to be sympathetic. Then I remember the advice of one writer who said, “Write for an audience of one.”
So I do. I write for my Muse. I know she will like what I write and be sympathetic to my fears and failings. She has already demonstrated this many times. So I write for her. And I tell her this:
“I’m working on myself every day.
“I think I’ve conquered panic attacks.
“I know there will be other enemies to fight and conquer.
“Staying here with you, my Muse, is the best way to defeat them.
“I’m sorry I let this get away from me for two days. That’s why it was harder than usual to do this. You weren’t going to give me anything until you were sure that I was serious.”
I’m glad to be back. I’m glad to be writing. It’s interesting, but I’ve made two huge decisions in the last year and I’ve made them both with no fanfare.
1. I want to spend the rest of my life with my Muse (that is, I want to write for the rest of my life, and
2. I want my house on the beach as soon as possible.
I have no way of knowing how I’m going to reach my goals and I have no way of believing that I won’t. So here I sit, writing as if I already have my house on the beach, as if I have already reached my goals. That’s all I can do.
That’s one of he secrets of life: Keep Going.
So I’m going to Keep Going even though I don’t think this is my best blog ever. I’m going to Keep Going anyway. I’m going to keep writing, because I believe, even though I don’t know how, that every page, every word, every letter I write, brings me that much closer to my goals. That’s why I have to do this every day. I certainly can’t take two days off ever again.
Are there other things I can do every day?
Can I read a little every day?
Can I save a little money every day?
Can I be a little more organized every day?
Can I be a little kinder every day?
Can I exercise a little every day?
Can I take care of myself a little more every day?
Can I Get Started and Keep Going every day?