Monday, November 3, 2014

For the World

The last thing I want to do is write.  That’s why I know it’s the first thing I need to do.  Every morning I wake up between 5:00 and 6:00 a.m. and I write three pages by hand.  I usually wake up feeling apathetic.  But I write anyway, and soon after starting, my apathy disappears and is usually replaced by enthusiasm.  I usually don’t get to write again until after I get home from work, between 9:40 and 10:00.  As I’m driving home from work, the apathy strikes again.  There’s a voice inside my head that says, “You’ve had a long day.  Why don’t you skip writing for tonight?  You deserve a break.  Make a bowl of popcorn and grab some comic books and then go to bed.”
            The truth is I do deserve a break.  A bowl of popcorn and some comic books would be well-deserved.  But then I hear my Muse saying, “Where’s my blog, Lazy?” 
            She’s smiling as she says it, but she’s reminding me that she reads all my work and that she’s waiting for more. 
            But here’s the thing:  I go through this battle every day.  Every.  Single.  Day.  I’ve been writing these blogs for almost two years, and there’s almost never a day when I don’t fight apathy or distractions.  And those aren’t even the worst days.  On the worst days I fight fear or a sense of futility.  There is almost never a day when I just sit down without any resistance.  There is almost never a day when it’s easy.  Some days the ideas come more quickly than others.  Some days the writing flows more smoothly.  But there is almost never a day when it feels easy.  It feels easy only when I’m done.  I wish there were an easier way.  I wish I could encourage aspiring writers with all the great benefits of being in my Purpose.  But here’s what I’ve experienced so far:
·      I have a readership of about 20.  (Recently I had 30 readers on a blog, but, ironically, it was a guest blog by another writer.  More ironically, her organization told her she was not allowed to publicize her own writing with outside agencies and I had to delete it.)
·      Among my readership, only one is a close friend.  Very few of my friends or family members read my work.
·      I have made absolutely no money with this so far.
·      I have put hours and hours of time into this.
·      Though I have approached at least three people in hopes to be mentored, two said no and declined to even read my work and the other read some of my work but did not respond to my request.
·      I get less sleep and sometimes, especially at night, I’m so tired that I’m falling asleep while writing. 
·      I struggle with self-doubt and even feelings of irrelevance.

Am I complaining?  No, I am simply stating facts.   But here’s another fact:
I wouldn’t trade any of this for the world.  
And here are some more facts:
·      Writing has brought me inner healing.
·      I feel like I have contributed to the world, or at least a small part of it. 
·      I enjoy life more than I ever have before.
·      I’m having fun.
·      Every day I get to participate in the miracle of creative birth.  I am always amazed about how something new happens every time I write.
·      Every day I get to be with my Muse, the force that gives me energy and creativity, the voice of God whispering in my ear.
·      Every day I Get Started and Keep Going, and it feels wonderful.

So I wouldn’t trade this for the world.