“Songs are as sad as the
listener.”
Jonathan Safran Foer, Extremely Loud and Incredibly Close
“Change the way you look at
things and the things you look at change.”
Wayne W. Dyer
“Life is 10 percent what you
make it and 90 percent how you take it.”
Irving Berlin
I’m really glad to be here. I’m relieved. I’m glad to be writing. All I wanted to do last night was write, but after a long
day, I fell asleep. Although
yesterday was a tough day, I’m still grateful that my life is relatively easy,
far easier than it is for most people.
A friend said something to me that really made me think: she said my life is easy. She said that I was the one who
complicates things.
I will admit that
I tend to get stressed a little too easily. I also tend to imagine the worst and I tend to create
problems where none exist. But
does that mean that if I could stop doing those things, my life would be easy?
Maybe.
A few years ago I
made a choice that I would allow no negative talk of any kind to come out of my
mouth nor any negative thoughts to stay in my head. I would not complain or gossip in word or thought. I did this for a month. During this month I lost a job that I
loved. I was also in a car
accident that totaled one of the best cars I ever had, due to the carelessness
of another driver who kept going.
In addition to the physical pain I was in for several days, I was now
set back financially. But I did
not complain.
Then one day, in a
support group of all places, I forgot my commitment and began complaining about
my troubles. I broke the
spell. Suddenly my negativity in
word and thought returned. But
here is what I realized.
·
I went an entire month without complaining in word or
thought.
·
None of my troubles seemed to trouble me during that
time. They were just facts.
First, to go an
entire month without negativity may be one of the most amazing things I have
ever done. I’ve tried to do it
again, many times, since then, but I haven’t been successful. But I’m not going to give up. First, however, I want to define what
complaining is and isn’t.
Sharing facts is
not negativity. Making a judgment
around those facts usually is. For
example, I can say that my car was totaled without saying it was the worst
thing that’s ever happened to me.
It may have been inconvenient, physically painful even, but was it
really “horrible?” Let others make
the judgment if they wish. Maybe
my car accident was a good thing because it wasn’t a fatality. Maybe it was just life. What is “good” and what is “bad?” Perhaps there is much less bad
than we think.
Sharing feelings
is not negativity. I think it’s
okay to feel sad or even angry at a loss.
In fact, it’s probably normal and healthy. What’s not normal and healthy is holding on to those
feelings indefinitely or revisiting them constantly. How long can we hold on to the past? How often can we revisit the injustices
of life? Is there something
we can do now? If not, is there a
way to let go? Is there a point to
holding on to something that just drags us down?
Leaving a
situation is not negativity.
Sometimes it’s just time to move on. I’ve left certain jobs and situations, not because they were
“bad,” but because they weren’t the best choice for me. I might be leaving a supervisor,
coworkers or work that inhibited my growth or caused emotional pain. It’s okay to move on to something
else. What keeps this positive is
the simple choice to not complain about who or what I’m leaving. It was a learning experience.
So what then is
negativity? It’s complaining. It’s gossip. It’s constantly revisiting the past as if I could change it
or make it “better.” Am I saying
that some things weren’t difficult?
No. In fact, it may even be
helpful to get support or therapy over certain situations. Many victims of
trauma need help, but only for the express purposes of healing and letting go
of the chains of the past.
Here are some
questions I would like to answer the next time I’m upset about something:
·
Is it really worth my time to focus on this?
·
If so, how quickly can I deal with and let go of this?
·
What are the natural feelings that come up around this
situation?
·
Can I acknowledge those feelings and then let them go?
·
How quickly can I get to my natural states of love, joy
and peace?
·
Is the situation something I can or want to change?
·
Are there other areas worthier of focus upon instead?
As I said, that
month of no negativity was one of the most amazing things I had eve done. I don’t see why I can’t do it
again. I don’t see why it can’t be
a lifelong habit. As with any
effort towards personal growth, it would require diligence, vigilance and
practice, but I don’t see it as impossible.
Will this make my
life easy?
Maybe.
When I last did
that the circumstances were neither easier nor harder than at any other
time. In fact, some of them were a
little harder. But I wasn’t aware
that they were harder and so my life was actually easier.
So many of our
difficulties are truly in our heads.
It’s not our circumstances, but our perception of the circumstances that
make life difficult. Sometimes I
just need to sit down and do my work.
Often I have caused many of my own troubles, but I can solve them,
too. I truly do need to Get
Started and Keep Going…positively.
