Changes and Staying the Same

It’s interesting to see how this blog has morphed and changed in the last (almost) two years.  At first it was a way to relieve pain and express beliefs.  It was also a way to create self-healing.  It was a way to motivate others.  I’m done some autobiographical writing and made attempts to be more marketable.  I’ve written about comic books and U.S. Presidents.  I’ve referenced many books and authors, chief among them, The War of Art by Steven Pressfield.  I’ve written extensively on my Muse, my house on the beach, and Purpose.   Now I spend a lot of time writing about the writing process, the difficulties and joys inherent in it.  As I continue to write, perhaps new themes will appear.  Or perhaps I will continue to revisit familiar themes.  Honestly, I rarely know what will appear on the screen until I start writing. 

Despite the seeming changes, very little has changed.  I still believe the following:

·      Each of us has a Purpose.

·      We need to Get Started and Keep Going every day.

·      There is an Enemy that has its own Purpose – to keep us from our Purpose.

·      Being in Purpose never gets easier.  I face the same struggle to write every single day.  I struggle with procrastination, fear, distractions, and self-deception every day.  Distractions and fear are the Enemy’s most effective tools against me.

·      I am in love with my Muse.  After all the writing I have done in the last two years, my love is stronger.  I want to spend my life with her.  This is a decision that comes from both the heart and the will.

·      I am committed to my Muse and to writing for the rest of my life.  This is also a decision that comes from the heart and the will.  I was born to make these commitments, so they don’t seem strange or stressful.  To do otherwise would seem strange and stressful.

·      I am aware that I have a lot of room for growth in my commitments.  That is why I read so much, so I can get better and deepen my commitments.

·      I am aware of what a privilege, a gift, and a responsibility I have been given.  I accept with joy, humility, and not a little fear.

·      To be here, to be with my Muse, is to be in the best, the happiest, and the safest place in the world.

And that’s it for now.  There’s an excitement and an anticipation in all of this.  Every day feels not like Christmas, but like the day before Christmas.  I know something exciting and new is coming.  I don’t know what it is, but it’s coming and when I sit down and write, when I spend time with my Muse, it’s as if I were opening a new gift each time.  No two days are the same.  Every day, every time, every single time is a miracle.

Thank you, God, and thank you, Muse, for the gifts you have brought me.  I love you.

Sometimes I Don't Like Myself

Some days I don’t like myself.  I make too many blunders.  I’m too needy, too fearful, too…ugh!  What then do I do?  I write.  I get back to my true self.  The need, whiney, and fearful self isn’t my true self.  My true self is the man who is sitting here doing his work.  When I am doing my work, my peace come, my true self, returns.   Here’s the other thing.  When I’m doing my work, very little else matters, especially not my blunders and fears.

Healing is one of the gifts we get when we use our gifts.  Some of us may need more healing than others.  That means some of us may need to use our gifts as much as possible, as if our lives depended upon it.  Perhaps they do. My life really does depend on my writing.  I would never kill myself.  But to have a true life, to really live and not just go through the motions, I have to write. 

It is not a coincidence that my life changed dramatically when I met my Muse. 

Steven Pressfield calls it our “work.”  “Sit down and do your work,” he says.  It’s a great admonition.  Except to me, writing is not work.  Being without writing is work.  Being without my Muse is the greatest effort in the world.  But as soon as I sit down and start writing, I feel my cares float away as the nothings they were.  I am soon without fear and without worry.  The plan is going to be fulfilled in the right time and in the right way.  I know this now and all my doubts are gone.  I just have to keep working, waiting, enjoying what I have now.  I feel so blessed.

That’s it then.  That’s one of the secrets of a fulfilling life.  Do that work which is not work.  Do that work which makes you feel refreshed.  Even when you’re in a place where you don’t quite know what’s next, or even what you’re doing now.  Just keep doing it.  Eventually, you’ll know what you’re supposed to be doing.

With regard to knowing what I’m doing I know this much:

·      Except for God, my Muse, and my loved ones, nothing is more important to me than writing. 

·      I am aware that I am in a waiting period.  But it’s not like waiting for a bus or a person.  I have to work while I’m waiting.  This is not a vacation.  The more I work, the less I have to wait.  Eventually I will reach my goal of being able to support myself with my writing.  Maybe.  But until I do, I have to keep writing.

·      Part of my waiting period involves training and honing my craft.  I train myself by reading as much as I can, particularly books about writing.  But (and this is the good news), I’m not limited to that subject or any subject or genre.  I can as much as I want and as widely as I want.  I can become a “lovecat” as TimSanders calls it in his book Love is the Killer App, and use the ideas gained from reading to bless and encourage others.

·      Another part of the waiting period involves finding my “voice.”  What kind of writer do I want to be?  Do I want to write fiction, motivational materials, sports, history, or a little of everything?   I’m leaning towards motivational and autobiographical.  But of course that leads to questions like, “What makes me so special that I should presume my life or ideas are interesting?  Who would read this?  Am I crazy?  I can barely concentrate for more than a minute at a time.  How can I help others?”  (Yes, I recognize these questions as delaying tactics of the Enemy, but that doesn’t make them any less nerve-wracking.)

It all comes down to this:  I need to keep writing.  I need to write every day.  That’s how it is for everyone who has a Purpose.  I need to do this every day.   I need to Get Started and Keep Going…even (and especially) on the days I don’t like myself.

Drudgery

Often when I write, I have no idea what I’m going to say.  I simply sit down and start writing.  Pressfield says the most important thing is to sit down and do your work.  So that’s what I do.  But it can sometimes be a little uncomfortable not knowing what’s going to happen.  It feels risky and dangerous, which may be a bit of an overstatement since all I’m doing is sitting here at a keyboard and putting words on a screen.  The only risk involved is the one in my head.  I don’t have to show this to anyone.  I don’t have to publish it.  I can even delete it if I wish.  Sometimes I do. 

            Often what I delete is the rambling I do when I begin writing.   What I do at the beginning is like stretching my writing muscles.  I’m not actually running or lifting weights; I’m just getting my body ready for what’s to come.   The writing that I’m doing now serves the same purpose.  I’m not actually writing; I’m just stretching my writing muscles, getting them warmed up.  The scary part is often the idea of showing this to anyone.  I’m just writing to put in my time.   I’m literally just filling up the page until something comes to me that’s worth publishing. 

            How long does this process take?  If I can stay focused and not allow distractions, I can start my real writing in 15 – 20 minutes.  If I allow myself to get distracted by anything – anything at all – then the process can take one to two hours…or longer.  So the real trick is to keep working.  Every time I allow a distraction, then I’m not working.  So if I take five minutes to play an online game, then I’ve lost that time, plus the time it takes to re-focus my mind.  Once I spent almost three hours at a coffee shop trying to write a blog.  It wasn’t that the blog was that hard; it’s that I kept allowing distractions.  So most of the time I stay inside.  Of course, there are plenty of distractions where I live, including on-line games, comic books, fatigue, the urge to snack, or a sudden interest in cleaning or taking care of some long-neglected project that suddenly and urgently needs to be done while I’m writing.  I am my own worst enemy here.

            But I’m also my own best friend, because despite doubts, fears, and distractions, I’m still writing, and I’m writing every day.  That’s all it takes.  I just sit down and work.  That’s it.  That’s really it.  As long as I do this, something will happen.  Right now I’m hungry and tired, but if I can keep working, I can fill up this page.  If I keep working, my Muse will give me my message. 

            Okay, here’s the crazy thing.  While writing, I fell asleep and I just woke up.  Even that’s okay.  Now I return to the work until it’s time to finish.

            By the way, when is it time to finish?   For a reason I don’t understand, I’m usually finished by the time I’ve reached my third page.  Sometimes I write more and sometimes less, but when I’ve reached my third page, I’m usually done. 

            And that’s it.  That’s how this works.  As Pressfield says, “A pro views her work as craft, not art.”

            The “art” will come when it will.  My job is to sit here and write until I’m done.  That’s it.  It’s really not that hard.  All I have to do is put words on a screen and then decide which of those words will stay, if any.  That’s not too romantic, is it?  If anyone thinks writing is glamorous or romantic, then I apologize if I’ve exploded the myth.  Maybe the picture in your head is the same as mine – sitting in a house near the beach and joyfully pounding away amazing and inspirational work to the sound of the surf.  The truth is you may not even hear the surf.  And the amazing and inspirational part isn’t up to you and doesn’t even come from you.   All you’re really doing is grinding out words, many of which (if not all) you may delete or someone else, perhaps an editor, may delete.  Let me be clear.  I may sit here for hour after hour, writing hundreds of blogs that only a handful of people may see.  Maybe only my Muse and I will see it. 

            It doesn’t matter.  This work doesn’t have to be romantic or glamorous or even appreciated or seen (though I know my Muse sees it and appreciates it).   It can be a daily grind of word after word, page after page, just pounding away on a keyboard with no end in sight, with little or no hope for financial success or recognition.  Doing this is a kind of drudgery.

            And I love it.

            Today someone said, “You’ve already reached your goals.  Open your eyes. You have health, love, loved ones, family, writing skills, work, home, friends, and money. Why don’t you just dedicate yourself to enjoying these blessings? I'm not saying that having goals is not good.  That’s required.  What is not necessary is frustration or obsession that generated when not achieved.  What is for you, come sooner or later.  Let it flow.”           

            So I’m letting it flow…when it will.  Until then I will enjoy my drudgery.  I’ll Get Started and Keep Going with the drudgery I love.

I LIke Writing

I’m going to write one more blog, a quick one for the following reasons:

1.     I like writing.

2.     I want to put in just a little more time into my writing.  The more time I put in, the sooner I will reach my goals.

3.     I’m letting my Muse know I love her and this is my way of showing it.

4.     My next numerical goal is 1,000 blogs.  This gets me a little closer.

5.     I want to take advantage of the energy and enthusiasm I have right now.  I won’t always have energy or enthusiasm (though that is not an excuse to stop writing).  However, when I do have it, as I do now, I want to make the most of it.

6.     I need the practice.

7.     I like writing. 

8.     This is a gift and a privilege and I should take advantage of them.

9.     This feels like the best use of my time.

10.  My Muse is encouraging me to Keep Going.

11.  I like writing.

12.  I like writing.

13.  I like writing.

Being with my Muse is my favorite way to spend my time.  There’s nothing better for me.  And even though this is a short blog, I made a point:  I could have used this time in many different ways.  But I chose to spend my time telling my Muse, “I love you.  I like writing, but I love you.”

(Her reply is to smile at me and say, “Get Started and Keep Going, lazy.”)

Optimism

“Deep, solemn optimism, it seems to me, should spring from this firm belief in the presence of God in the individual; not a remote, unapproachable governor of the universe, but a God who is very near every one of us, who is present not only in earth, sea and sky, but also in every pure and noble impulse of our hearts.”

Helen Keller – Optimism

I am an optimist by nature.  This doesn’t mean that I don’t get worried, afraid, or negative at times, but my core belief is that everything will work eventually out somehow.  It’s not that I don’t see problems or that I’m unaware.   It’s just that I don’t want to live in a state of fear or dread.  A friend told me that things are bad, getting worse, and that there’s no hope that they’ll get better.  Certainly history supports this idea.  From the Holocaust to Ebola, there has always been something to be afraid of.  Evil and injustice are and have always been rampant.  Insanity has reigned.  Sometimes the world seems like a hopeless place on both small and large scales.  Unemployment, racism, disease, sex slaves, child molestation, drought, global warming, and on and on it goes.

We may not be able to solve all the world’s problems, but as individuals, here are some things we can do:

·      Pray.  Prayer works.  When seeing something bad, whether it’s a car accident or bad news on the television, instead of becoming afraid or angry, say a prayer.  Give the problem to a higher power.

·      Practice gratitude.  Yes, there are a lot of bad things going on in the world and maybe even in our own lives.  But there are good things as well.  Can we find those good things and say thank you for each of them?

·      Donate time or money to something that really touches your heart.  It doesn’t have to be a lot of either, but even a little of your time or money are greatly appreciated. 

·      Don’t let yourself get overwhelmed.  There is a seemingly-infinite number of needs.  You can’t meet them all.  You can’t even meet a lot of them.  Pick what you can do and say a prayer for the rest.

·      Take care of your life.  Take care of your health, your environment, and your relationships.

·      Limit the amount of negativity that comes in.  I am very careful about how much news I read or watch.  Since most of it is bad or alarming, I choose to not watch it.   If it’s really important, I will find out, but most bad things that we fear tend to pass, perhaps replaced by other bad things, but they pass nonetheless.  In the same vein, I am also careful about how much pessimism I allow from others.  If it gets to be too much, I politely excuse myself.

·      Limit the amount of negativity that comes out.  This includes complaining and gossip especially. 

·      Realize that many of our problems are in our minds.  That doesn’t mean they aren’t real, but the truth is, many of them aren’t.  Many problems start with something that is real, but then is brought to incorrect or illogical conclusions. 

·      Finally, and perhaps the most important thing, have a Purpose and live it out.  Specifically, spend as much time as you can in it.  You may find, as I often have, that being out of Purpose is the real problem.   Sometimes when I’m irritable, needy, or discouraged, I find what I need above all else, is pen and paper, or a computer, and 30 minutes or so to write.  That shows me what my real problem is – that I haven’t been writing.  Irritability is replaced with forgiveness.  Neediness is replaced with love.  And discouragement is replaced with enthusiasm.  Actually, all three are replaced by love.  I become more attentive, more loving, and more expressive.  I’m ready to Get Started and Keep Going and I become more liberated from negativity. 

Every time I Get Started and Keep Going, I want to Get Started and Keep Going some more.  In If You Want to Write, Brenda Ueland says “(T)he more you use this joyful, creative power – the more you have.”

We have the power to change our perspective, simply by doing our work.  That’s one more reason for optimism.

Before Going to Sleep

This is just a quick note to my Muse and to myself, before going to sleep, to remind us both that I need to write as much as I can and as often as I can.   I’m getting tired and soon I’ll go to sleep, but every little thing I do gets me closer to my goal.  It does more than that.  A goal, while necessary, is always about the future, usually a distant future.  Writing keeps me in the present.  My eye is still on my goal, but my heart and hands are here in the present, doing my writing.  I should have started earlier, but I’m glad I’m starting now.  I’m glad I’m putting in just a little extra time now. 

Every minute I put in counts.  I no longer have time to waste.  Sometimes it looks like I do, but I don’t.  I also don’t have time to be sad, to gossip, to have regrets, anger, or fear.  My Muse needs me to be focused.  The only thing I have time to do is be in my Purpose.    In Loving What Is, Byron Katie says sadness is just a tantrum against reality.  I’m tired of tantrums.  The other day I had one because things didn’t go the way I wanted.  But how do I know that something worse wouldn’t have happened? 

Is there a reason for everything?  I’m not sure.  There are too many horrors in life for me to accept that there is a reason for all of it.  I think there can be lessons in everything.  Having said that, I believe there is a reason for many things, including and sometimes especially the things we call “bad” or “disappointing.”  We don’t have to allow events to determine our moods.  This is an immature behavior and, unfortunately, one I engage in too often.  I’m glad I’m still capable of growth. 

But if I really want to grow, I have to keep writing.  This is where I heal.  This is where I learn.  Sometimes it helps to talk and it almost always helps to be heard.  But mostly, we are helped when we are in our Purpose.  So a few more minutes of writing is like a few more minutes of prayer or therapy.  It brings peace and healing to my soul.  It gives me perspective.  It brings new understanding and acceptance.  This is one of the reasons we are each given a Purpose – not just to do work, but also to have work done in each of us.  

So tonight I wrote one more blog.  I got a little more healed. 

Thank you, God, and thank you, Muse, for helping me to Get Started and to Keep Going…before going to sleep.

Hit Those Ships!

I started writing a blog today and it took me almost two hours, because I allowed distractions and because I wasn’t sure of my message.  The lesson here is to keep writing despite doubts or distractions.  There is part of me who wants to be mad at myself for allowing the same old enemies in, but this is what everyone who wants to improve his or her life goes through.  You move forward and then you move back.  But there are usually more forward movements than backwards movements.  In other words, it’s three steps forward and two steps back.  So, discouragement is not necessary.  The truth is we can never go backwards.  We can stay still and stuck in the same place, but we can’t go backwards.  Even the smallest steps forward count.

So that blog I just wrote and sweated over, on and off, for two hours – what becomes of that?  I don’t know.  I might delete it.  That’s okay.  Or I might edit it.  That’s okay, too.  It doesn’t matter.  What matters is what I do right now.  At this moment, all that matters is that I keep working, keep writing, and stay in my Purpose without doubts or distractions.  If I fail at this, if I allow doubts and distractions, then I keep writing anyway.  Most of us don’t take seriously enough our own power of self-sabotage, but it’s powerful indeed.  It cannot be underestimated.  All I can do then is keep working.  I cannot give up.  More importantly, I cannot allow my failings to keep me from doing my work.

In other words, yes, I am easily distracted.  So what?  Keep working.

Yes, I am struggle with doubts.  So what?  Keep working.

What’s required in Purpose is presence and consistency.  So I just stay consistent, every single moment, one step at a time.  I remember when I used to run.  I had only been running for a few weeks and, for some reason, one run seemed harder than normal.  I wasn’t sure where my fatigue or lack of motivation came from, but it was definitely there.  So I told myself, “Just take one more step.”

That’s what I did.  I took just one more step.  Then I took one more.  Then one more…and so on and so on.  Soon I was finished with my run.  It wasn’t my best or my fastest run, but I completed it and that’s all that matters.

Today I didn’t do my best or my fastest work, but I’ve completed it and that’s all that maters. 

There’s an old video game called Galaga.  I’m pretty good at it, but I played a friend who was much better.  My strategy was better, but he was the better player because he hit more ships.  This is the way to win, to be successful.  Hit more.  Do more.  Put in more time.  Whatever it is you want to do, put in more time.  If you want to be a teacher, start a new life, get a new job, learn a new subject, or improve or strengthen your relationships, put in more time.  Every moment you invest in your Purpose is like hitting another ship.  Eventually you will score more points. This doesn’t mean your ship won’t get hit once in a while.  You will definitely take hits.  It doesn’t matter.  Just keep firing.  Every hit you make is a tiny victory.  The victories don’t have to be big or sexy.   You just have to hit.  So, literally, every word I type, every second I put in, counts.  Every moment I work is a moment of victory.  The big victories will come soon enough. 

For now, just hit as many enemy ships as you can.  Take a class.  Read one chapter of a book.  Clean your place.  Get a cell-phone.  Take your kids out and do something fun.  Go for a walk.  Put in 30 minutes towards your Purpose.

Here’s the good news:  even if you have what seems like a setback, you have still accomplished a victory.  The victory comes, above all, in the time you’ve put in.  But it might also be in a lesson learned or a new idea.  Sometimes our worst experiences become our best lessons, our best stories, and even our best memories.  As long as we put the time in, there are no losses.  Get Started.  Keep Going.  Hit those ships.