Sunday, May 31, 2015

Still Going

I started writing and I wasn’t happy with any of it so I deleted it all and now I’m starting again.  Why does that matter?  It’s a way of saying that it’s okay to start over when things aren’t working.  It’s also a way of saying that even though I feel completely lacking in any ability or skill needed to write anything coherent or useful, I’m not stopping.  No one has to read this except for the Muse who keeps pushing me.  I know my faults and so does she.  I’m impatient, impulsive, and immature.  I’m inconsistent and easily distracted.  I don’t plan well enough and I don’t think enough about long-range priorities.  I correct as I go.  I Get Started and I Keep Going, even tonight when my writing feels uninspired and repetitive, I Keep Going.
Something worth remembering is that feelings don’t always matter.  Results don’t even always matter.  What matters is persistence.  This doesn’t mean that there aren’t course corrections or things to learn.  But after learning, it’s time to Keep Going. 
At this very moment I’m sitting here writing these words for a couple of reasons.  First, I set a goal to reach 1,000 blogs by the end of this year.  I’m not even close and with the year almost half over, I don’t see how it’s going to happen.  It doesn’t matter.  Fear, doubt, stress, they don’t matter.  I’m going to keep going. Second, I’m letting my Muse know that I’m here, if not every day as I used to be, I’m still here. And when I’m done with my history Master’s, I’ll be back again.
Am I rambling?  Maybe, but at least I’m getting words on the screen.  Maybe I’ll delete these words later and start a third time, or maybe I’ll just finish the page.  Maybe I’ll just ramble some more:
·      I tried watching a movie.  It was a good one.  But I would rather write.
·      I’m not sure if it’s compulsion or obsession that is putting me in front of this screen.  Maybe it’s not either.  Maybe this is how I’m supposed to use my time.
·      Time, no matter how much I have, is short.  I want to spend as much as possible with my Muse.  In doing so, I’m creating my own way.  It’s new to me, but that doesn’t mean others haven’t traveled this path.  Which path?   The path of greatest resistance where there are voices in the woods saying, “Stop, you work hard enough.  Take a break.  Take care of yourself.”  What the voices don’t realize is that when I spend time here with my Muse, I am taking care of myself.
·      Perhaps none of this makes sense.  Perhaps I’m just rambling and doing a little self-therapy.  Or maybe, just maybe, I’m trying to set an example of how I think time can best be used.

There’s not much more to say.  But I’m still going to Keep Going.  I’m reminded of a story.  Once, while working the graveyard shift (12 a.m. – 8 a.m.) I was extremely tired.  The groceries came in that night and I felt horrible.  I hit a wall and couldn’t do any more work.  But there were three or four hours left in my shift.  So somehow I climbed over that wall I hit and put away all the groceries.  It was a six-to-eight hour job.  I did it in three.  I told myself, “Keep Going.”  The irony was that, rather than being pleased with me, my manager was angry with me because she wanted to put away the groceries.  But it didn’t matter.  I kept going.  That’s what I’m doing now.