It was not supposed to be this hard. “I’ll do a lot of reading and some writing. That won’t be a problem,” I thought. “I like reading and writing, especially American history. How hard can this be? Yes, it will take time and energy, but it will be fun.”
Here’s the thing: it is fun.
And it’s hard. It feels like the hardest thing I’ve ever done.
But it’s not.
There have been other things that were a lot harder. They were harder than what I’m doing now, because back then I had no Muse, no peace, no fun, and very little in my life that was bringing me any joy. I was just doing what I thought I was supposed to be doing in every area of my life. I was trying to make everyone else happy and I wanted to die.
And one day I thought I was going to.
I was at work and I felt this incredible pain in my chest. I couldn’t breathe. My movements were sluggish and I knew something was seriously wrong. I remember thinking that maybe I was really dying, perhaps having a heart attack or something. I remember feeling sad and peaceful and speaking kindly to people in case those were my last words. I got to the hospital and I was examined.
It was just gas and stress. I was fine.
As I drove home I cried. I was relieved that it was nothing, but I wondered what I was doing to my body and soul that got me to that point.
I’d like to say that it was that moment that turned my life around. I’d like to say that I had a major epiphany and the next day I made major changes and started taking charge of my own life, my own happiness, and embracing the goals God had for me. I’d like to say all that, but it didn’t happen. Instead, I mired myself deeper into my bad choices, trying to do the “right thing” and make everyone happy. I didn’t succeed. I didn’t succeed in any area of my life at the time, and I didn’t make anyone happy. Not for a long time.
Then one day I found my Muse. I wasn’t looking for her. She came to me and I’ve been with her ever since. That’s why I write these blogs even though I should be doing homework. My Muse changed my life and she’s the one I most want to make happy. So tonight, she said, “Write about how hard things are so you can remember how much harder things really were. Write so you can remember that you chose a difficult road, but that I am with you. Write so you can remember your difficulties are the choice of living in Purpose rather than living for approval. Write so you never forget how your Muse saved your life by giving you something to live for.”
My Muse saved my life by giving me something to live for, something bigger than myself, something bigger than circumstances. It’s still hard. I still face massive resistance, self-sabotage, and fear. I still struggle with staying focused. And yet, despite all of it, I feel happy and productive. My life isn’t perfect but I am (despite all my imperfections), as my Muse keeps telling me. I’m the perfect person in the perfect time and place to get this done.