My Muse and Music

Is it possible to work on a skill for years and years and never get really good at it?  I suppose.   That happened to me in certain jobs, but the truth is that I had no passion for those jobs.  I can’t think of a skill I was passionate about that didn’t improve with time and practice. 

Practice is what I’m doing now.  I feel like I’m warming up, but not actually in the game yet.  I will feel like I’m in the game when I hear from the Muse.  Right now she’s being quiet.  That’s fine.  I’ll just keep writing until she gives me something I can work with.  She may not have arrived yet.  Or she may be peeking around the corner to see if I’m working.  Perhaps she wants me to rest (I doubt it) or drink more water or even put on some music.  I can do that.  Music, after all, comes from the Muse.  The words are related.  Music is one of the languages of the Muse.

Okay, the music is playing.  Now what do I do?  Should I sing along?

Oh, my life is changing every day,

In every possible way.

And oh, my dreams, it's never quite as it seems,

Never quite as it seems.

I know I've felt like this before, but now I'm feeling it even more,

Because it came from you.

And then I open up and see the person falling here is me,

A different way to be.

Yes, it’s the same song as last night, but this song really motivates me, this song to my Muse.  I played it at least five times last night while I wrote.  It kept me awake and it became part of my blog.  Now I’m listening to Dizzy by Tommy Roe.  This song reminds me not only of my vertigo, but also of my relationship to my Muse.

Dizzy, I'm so dizzy my head is spinning

Like a whirlpool, it never ends

And it's you girl makin' it spin

You're making me dizzy

It’s not that being with my Muse is hard.  It’s a lot easier than being without her.  But she does require a certain amount of self-discipline on my part if our relationship is to grow.  She’s not difficult, but she’s stubborn.  She won’t come at my beck and call, but I am always on call to her.  If she whispers something to me while I’m taking a shower, she expects me to write it down or act on it in some way as quickly as possible. 

Here’s another good reminder of our relationship, this time from Judy Collins song Both Sides Now:

Something’s lost

But something’s gained

In living every day.

Since the Muse captured my heart, I’ve definitely been living every day.  In fact, I feel like I’ve done more living in the last two years than I have in most of my life.  I’ve also struggled with fear more directly than I ever have before.  And here’s what the Muse says:

She told me baby, when you race today


Just take along my love with you


And if you know how much I loved you


Baby, nothing could go wrong with you

But this song, Wave on Wave, by Pat Green, probably more than any other song, describes my relationship with my Muse:

You came upon me, wave on wave.


You're the reason I'm still here, yeah.


Am I the one you were sent to save?


You came upon me, wave on wave.

I wandered out into the water,


And I thought that I might drown.


I don't know what I was after,


Just know I was goin' down.

And that's when she found me.


Not afraid anymore.


She said: "You know, I always had you, baby.


"Just waitin' for you to find what you were lookin' for."

And there’s one more: All of Me, by John Legend:

What would I do without your smart mouth


Drawing me in, and you kicking me out


Got my head spinning, no kidding,

 I can’t pin you down


What’s going on in that beautiful mind


I’m your magical mystery ride


And I’m so dizzy, don’t know what hit me,

But I’ll be alright

And I will be alright.  As long as I Get Started and Keep Going…and enjoy the music.

"Dreams" of Consciousness

“I want more

Impossible to ignore

Impossible to ignore

They'll come true

Impossible not to do

Impossible not to do.”

Dreams – The Cranberries

Okay.  Right now I’m going to do an exercise called the Free Write.  That’s where I write without stopping, without thinking, without editing.  That’s not going to happen.  I’m going to edit.  Maybe I’ll resist the temptation, but I don’t think so.  Here are some things I am thinking about.

·      Sometimes I wish I could take the day off from work and just read and write.

·      I have no desire to do multi-level marketing or affiliate marketing or any kind of marketing in which I have to sell to my friends, so I simply won’t. 

·      I need to learn to listen to my heart.  If I had, I would have been stronger with my refusal.  Now I’m stuck in something I hate and a little deeper in debt.

·      I wish I were in my house on the beach right now.

·      I’m glad I’m healthy right now.  Everything else will resolve itself.

·      I need to be patient.

·      I need to keep working as if the things I want depend on the amount of effort I put forth. 

·      They do.

·      I feel better just sitting here and writing.

·      I feel grateful.

·      I have to stay motivated every day.

·      Sometimes I have to motivate myself.  That’s okay.

·      I feel so grateful for my life.  It’s not perfect, but I am very blessed.

·      I have walked every day for the last four days.  Tomorrow will be Day #5.

·      I feel happy.

·      I was feeling down for a while, but once I started writing, I felt better.

·      Sometimes writing makes me feel better than a good meal, although I would enjoy a good meal.

·      Purpose is good.

·      Purpose is a gift.

·      I’m falling asleep.

·      Doing these blogs is one of the most consistent amounts of self-discipline I’ve exhibited in my entire life.  No one is making me do this.  I’ve rarely worked this hard before, but I believe in this.

·      I still wish things would happen faster.

·      Then I realize, again, how incredibly good I have it now.

·      At the same time I look forward to other good things.

·      I’m grateful for those things, even though they haven’t yet materialized.

·      The things I want will come at the right time.  When they do, I will appreciate them even more.

·      People who have hurt me are sometimes my best teachers, but I don’t want take any more courses from them.

·      I like writing in a stream-of-consciousness manner.

·      I was looking at the blog I wrote the other night.  It wasn’t bad, but the one I wrote the next morning was better.

·      I’m listening to Dreams by the Cranberries.  It’s good music to write to and the lyrics are perfect.  This is what I would sing to my Muse

o      Now I tell you openly

      You have my heart so don't hurt me

You're what I couldn't find

Totally amazing mind

So understanding and so kind

You're everything to me

All my life

Is changing every day

In every possible way

And oh my dreams

It's never quite as it seems

Cause you're a dream to me

Dream to me

·      You’re a dream to me, dear Muse. 

·      Thank you for helping me to Get Started and to Keep Going.

A Series of Victories

“Victory is always possible for the person who refuses to stop fighting.”

Napoleon Hill

“Accept the challenges so that you can feel the exhilaration of victory.”

George S. Patton

“You will find peace not by trying to escape your problems, but by confronting them courageously. You will find peace not in denial, but in victory.”

J. Donald Walters

Today was all about getting things done.  Now they’re done and I can relax soon.  I’m so tired.  I just want to sleep, but more than tired, I’m determined to reach my goals.   I can’t reach them by skipping my work.  I desperately want to reach my goals and maybe that’s part of the problem.  I’m very good at berating myself for my failures.  And it’s true that I have tried, many times, to take shortcuts.  That always made things take longer.  I was going to list the shortcuts in bullet form such as not doing my homework or doing the least amount of work I had to do to keep from getting fired.  But writing that list would just discourage me.

Instead I think I’ll list the things in life I’ve done well, things I’m proud of:

·      Over 330 blogs in less than a year

·      Finishing college

·      Getting a Master’s Degree

·      Finishing the training period of the California Conservation Corps

·      Leading youth groups

·      Teaching hundreds of adult students, many of whom still remember me years later

·      Writing hundreds of resumes

·      Encouraging hundreds of people

·      Publishing a book

·      Having good friends

·      Cleaning my trunk

The point of that list is not to brag because most people have a list far more impressive.  The point is to remember that life can be viewed as a series of victories.  Yes, there have been setbacks and defeats, but so what.  I’ve done some things in this life that make me proud, happy, grateful and humble.  Humble, because I feel my victories have been a gift from God.

So tomorrow, when I wake up I’d like to start the morning with gratitude.  Instead of worrying that I’m not where I want to be in life, I’d like to be thankful for where I’ve been and where I am.   This doesn’t mean I’m going to forsake my goals.  In fact, this kind of thinking reminds me that I’ve reached difficult goals before and I can reach them again.

That’s all.  I just need to Get Started and Keep Going…and be grateful for a series of triumphs.

Trying

“Only those who dare to fail greatly can ever achieve greatly.”

Robert F. Kennedy

“Trying is always enough. ”

Patricia Briggs, Dragon Bones

“A bruise is a lesson... and each lesson makes us better.”

George R.R. Martin, A Game of Thrones

Last night before going to bed I tried to write something.  It was garbage.  For whatever reason, the Muse didn’t arrive. When I woke up this morning, doubt and fear were hanging over me.  I had nothing to say.  Was this it?  Was I done as a writer?  Did I burn myself out, like an engine without oil?  Then, this morning, after a shower, my Muse spoke to me.  She whispered, “At least you’re trying.”

Then I got out of the shower and realized that it was later than I thought.  I wanted to do my radio show, but I hadn’t set it up yet.  When I finally got it all set up, I hit the save button, but it was too late.  I missed the deadline by literal seconds.  So I have to do it later.  Then the Muse whispered to me again, “At least you’re trying.”

Is trying good enough?  The famous line from Yoda in Star Wars rings in my ears to condemn me, “Do or do not.  There is no try.”  But I think what he means and what my Muse means are two different things.  Yoda is admonishing Luke Skywalker to have the proper attitude in the face of a difficult test.  Yoda is saying go into it with your full heart or don’t go into it at all.

When I’m trying, it’s because I’ve already gone into it with my whole heart, but there were setbacks.  Failure from lack of attempt is the only real failure.  Failure because things just didn’t go as hoped is a lesson. 

So here are the lessons I learned in the last hour:

·      Do things earlier.

·      Drink more water.

·      Get some rest.

·      Plan ahead.

·      Smile.

·      Try again later.

·      Adjust.

·      Relax.

·      Accept what is.

Here’s something else.  As a writer, I’m supposed to write every day, but I don’t have to publish every day.  Yes, I have a goal to reach 365 blogs in 20 days.  Yes, I try to write two blogs a day.  But those are my goals, no one else’s.  They’re self-imposed.  The world will not end if I don’t reach them.  My world will not end.  My goals, even if they’re meant to serve others, are for me.  The only thing I really have to do is write. 

So that’s what I did last night:  I wrote.  And it was boring, whiney, self-indulgent and it went nowhere.  It was embarrassing.  Only my Muse and I will ever see it.  Steven Pressfield says that much of his early work literally went into a trashcan.  He told me personally that his first three books sold zero copies. 

So, the Muse whispered to me, “At least you’re trying.” 

Make no mistake; I’m in a relationship with my Muse.  I love her with all my heart.  I think last night, however, she was testing me.  She wanted to see if I would write even when I was writing garbage.  I don’t understand why she would need to test me after all the work I’ve done.  Haven’t I proven my faithfulness after 331 blogs?  Does she still doubt me?

Or maybe the test wasn’t to show her something, but to show me something.  Maybe she was showing me that I really can Get Started and Keep Going…all by myself, with no one hanging over my shoulder, with no deadline but my own.  Maybe she was trying to show me that I’m far stronger and far more determined than even I realized.  Maybe the last eight hours wasn’t a test, but a reminder, even a reward of sorts. 

I Got Started and I Kept Going. 

So this morning, the Muse smiled at me, gave me a kiss and said, “You’re not only trying, you’re succeeding.”

Self-Motivational

“Do you want to know who you are? Don't ask. Act! Action will delineate and define you.”

Thomas Jefferson

“The road to success is always under construction”

Lily Tomlin

“It’s what you do in your free time that will set you free—or enslave you.”

Jarod Kintz, This Book Title is Invisible

Last night I made a promise to walk every day for at least 30 minutes.  I’m two days into it and so far I’m doing great.  I set my agenda for the day and I’m ready to get some things done, including two blogs.  I still have a goal to reach 365 blogs by December 29, 2013.  That’s 35 more blogs in 21 days.  That’s not an impossible goal at all.  I’m excited about my goals and I’m excited that I’m taking action.  It’s all very motivational.  Better yet, it’s self-motivational.  There are only a few tensions I’m experiencing. 

·      I wonder if I’m taking enough action.

·      I wonder if I’m taking the right actions.

·      I wonder if my actions will give me the results I want.

I’m told, and I’ve even said that any action is the right action and that’s probably true.  Still, the waiting time is hard.  In fact, I plan to journal privately about some of my concerns. 

For now, however, I am thinking of the maxim, “If you want to be a writer, write.”  So I’m writing.  As usual, I have no idea what I’m going to write about; I’m just writing.  And it’s fun.  One might think it’s frustrating to sit down and write every day even if I having nothing to say, but it really is fun.  In fact, I can’t wait to write again later today.  Or I might just keep writing, for two or three hours without stopping, until I get tired or it isn’t fun any longer.

That’s actually part of my long-term goal, to spend the better part of every morning writing.  Why would I do this?  I’d do this because it brings me joy and peace.  It feels good to be creating something.  It feels good to know that maybe, just maybe, I’m contributing something positive to the world. 

In addition, I am completely alone right now.  I have no demands on me at this moment, I could be reading comic books, watching a movie, looking at Facebook or playing an on-line game, but I’d much rather be doing this.  I know that while none of those other choices are bad, this choice is the best.  This choice will make me feel the best.  Later, another choice may make me feel best.  Right now this choice feels best.

What’s also exciting about this is that I feel motivated to be even more productive with my day.  I know there are some things I want to do, things that make me nervous.  Part of my problem is that I don’t make a list of all the things I could be doing.  At the same time, and I know this sounds contradictory, but I do too many things at the same time.  So, when I’m done writing, I’m going to make a list of things I want to do in the next two hours. 

As I look back on past blogs, I see that I am on the right track.  I am taking action.  Yes, I waste time, but I’ve also produced more writing in the last year then I’ve ever done in my life.  I’ve written literally hundreds of pages in the last eleven months.  I also realize that I might have more success if I embrace those parts of myself that frustrate me, like the part that wastes time.

I feel excited about life.  I feel happy and calm. I feel determined to make this a good day for myself and for others.  I’m having the same feeling I had with my first blog and with almost every blog after that:  I feel better than when I started writing, much better. What a gift this all is. 

Later I will write more.  I will write tomorrow, too.  God willing, I will write every day for the rest of my life.  This is a gift I’ve been given and I want to be faithful with it.   I want all of us to be faithful with the gifts we’ve been given.  They were given to us to make our lives better and happier.  No one intentionally gives a gift that is not meant for a Purpose or that is not meant to make life better in some way.  This gift I have been given, this gift of writing, makes my life infinitely better.  Sometimes I think I could sit here for hours and just enjoy this gift.

And perhaps that’s what I’ll do, but not with this blog.  I’m going to Get Started and Keep Going with other commitments I’ve made.  I started this blog feeling okay.  Now I feel great. Now I feel grateful.  Now I feel motivated.  I’m ready to move forward.  Thank you!

Two Promises to My Muse

“Give a man health and a course to steer, and he'll never stop to trouble about whether he's happy or not.”

George Bernard Shaw

“You know, all that really matters is that the people you love are happy and healthy. Everything else is just sprinkles on the sundae.”

Paul Walker

“If you're happy, if you're feeling good, then nothing else matters.”

Robin Wright

Dear Muse,

The following letter I do not write lightly or carelessly.  I’ve given this some thought and in writing this, I am giving it more thought.  I am going to make two promises to you.  I decided on these promises over the last 28 hours after being hit with a horrible case of vertigo and being sick to my stomach.  I was lying in the back of my car and realizing that all my hopes and dreams and plans were going to be useless and impossible if I don’t make these promises.   I realized, lying in the back seat of my car, unable to get warm, that I no longer cared about money or goals.  I just wanted to feel good again.

So here are my promises:

First, I’m going to exercise every day.  This doesn’t have to be intense.  I think I will start off by walking for 30 minutes a day.  Perhaps I’ll take up running again.  Who knows?  I don’t want a lot of stress attached to my exercise.  I know when I was running regularly I got a lot done and usually felt great.  Then I blew my knee out on a three-day sixty-mile walk, so I’m not sure if I can run again.

Here’s the thing.  Yesterday, after running only a few feet, I was out of breath.  Then trying to carry something to my place was more difficult than it should have been.  Besides being stronger and having more endurance, I think regular exercise will give me the following benefits. 

·      I will have more energy.

·      I will be able to concentrate better.

·      I will get more done.

·      I will sleep better.

·      I will eat better.

·      I will be calmer.

So, starting tonight, after finishing this blog, I’m going to walk for 30 minutes.  And then I’m going to walk every day for at least 30 minutes.  No matter what.  I’m going to put this priority ahead of everything else, because I never want to feel that bad again.

My second promise is to get a medical check up.  I’m going to do the whole thing.  Cholesterol, colon, bladder, everything.  I’m also going to go to the dentist, which I dread.  But I’m going to do it because I have work that needs to be done.  I will make my appointments this week.  I’m tired of fear. 

I am making these promises because I want to live a long, healthy and happy life, one without fear, without illness and without unnecessary obstacles.  I want to spend that life with you.  I want it to be long and healthy, not long and unhealthy. If I take care of myself, then I’m taking care of us.  In addition, I think I have some thing to contribute to the world and I can’t contribute if I’m sick or dead.  I also know that you are depending on me to deliver a message that only I can deliver.  You are depending on me to take care of us and of the work and life you have only for and with me.

So now that I’m done with this letter, I’m going to Get Started and Keep Going…with a nice brisk walk. 

I Love and I Like

“If I had a flower for every time I thought of you...I could walk through my garden forever.”

Alfred Tennyson

“We love the things we love for what they are.”

Robert Frost

“Where there is love there is life.”

Mahatma Gandhi

“Nobody has ever measured, not even poets, how much the heart can hold.”

Zelda Fitzgerald

Here are some things I like and love.  They are in no particular order of importance.  I use like and love knowing that love, in this case, is a stronger way to say like.  Sometimes, however, I love things that I like and I like things that I love.

·      I like writing.

·      I like making money.

·      I like helping people. 

·      I like writing resumes.

·      I love seeing people get jobs because of the help I’ve given them. 

·      I love reading comic books. 

·      I love studying. 

·      I love reading books. 

·      I love sharing what I’ve learned. 

·      I love inspiring and motivating people. 

·      I love my children. 

·      I love lilies in my place.

·      I love the smell of Christmas trees.

·      I love Christmas.

·      I love my birthday.

·      I love God.

·      I love how God allows me to get to my lowest point and then rescues me or shows me how to rescue myself.

·      I love it when the rescues come from unexpected places.

·      I love how God is teaching me that I’m often the one who allowed or created those

     lowest points and that I don’t have to keep doing that.

·      I love how life is meant to be a blessing.

·      I love how my life is meant to be a blessing.

·      I love how all our lives are meant to be a blessing.

·      I love a good sleep.

·      I love naps.

·      I love the way that learning something new changes my life for the better.

·      I love the beach especially on cloudy days.

·      I love spending time alone.

·      I love spending time with the right people.

·      I like my new coworkers.

·      I like the fact that they’re teaching me Spanish.

·      I love being a teacher.

·      I love my students.

·      I love the endorphins I get from exercising regularly.

·      I love that every single day is a new chance.

·      I love that I have goals, objectives and tasks.

·      I love my friends.

·      I love my past.

·      I love my present.

·      I love the fact that even when I don’t love my present, I can choose to love it.

·      I love how I can change my behavior at any moment.

·      I love how smiling always makes me feel better.

·      I love how we are all meant to be happy.

·      I love that I can sometimes make others happy.

·      I love that when I accept my shortcomings I can be more peaceful and more loving.

·      I love to Get Started and Keep Going.

·      I love you for reading this.