Silence is Golden

“Silence is a source of great strength.”

Lao Tzu

“Everything has its wonders, even darkness and silence, and I learn, whatever state I may be in, therein to be content.”

Helen Keller

(5:50 a.m.) I’ve been up for almost an hour.  It was nice to get to bed a little earlier and it was nice to wake up earlier.  It’s nice to write before the day with all its busyness begins.  I feel very grateful.  As often, I sit here not knowing what to write, so I write anyway.  That’s the opposite of what I should do when speaking.  If I don’t know what to say when speaking, I should just be quiet, especially when I’m in the presence of someone who is grieving or needs to talk.  I should also be quiet rather than try to impress people with “my wisdom.”

Being in a place of quiet is a good place to be.  I once had what I now believe was a mystical experience with quiet.  I was at Target, in the gardening section, in the back of that department looking at flowers.  Suddenly I realized that it was absolutely quiet.  There was no noise at all.  I couldn’t hear cars or customers or children.  It was completely quiet.  I just stood there for a few moments and took it all in and then I left.  A few days later I went back to the same section and the quiet was gone.  It was only recently that I realized that I had had a mystical experience.

Mystical experiences are not to be sought for themselves.  In fact, they’re not to be sought at all.  Saint Paul described a mystical experience where he was actually taken up to Heaven.  To keep him grounded after that, God gave Paul a “thorn in the flesh.”  We are not told what this thorn is.  We just know that Paul asked God to take it away…three times.  God told Paul that God’s grace was sufficient for him.  All of that is to say, there’s no point, and perhaps even a caution in seeking mystical experiences.  Seek God, life and love instead.  That’s enough potential for the mystical.

With regard to my mystical experience with the quiet, as I said, I didn’t even realize until recently that it was a mystical experience.  Thus, until now, I haven’t taken the time to wonder if there was a meaning or a lesson in it.  All I know is that for a few seconds I was enveloped in absolute silence.  Silence is a pretty rare phenomenon.  It’s 6:10 a.m. and I have already heard traffic, the cry of a baby and the loud insistent hum of an air conditioner.  People are taking showers and getting ready for the day.  In addition, I damaged my ear several years ago, so even when it is absolutely quiet, I hear ringing.

During most days I hear hundreds if not thousands of noises.  Refrigerators running, car speakers blasting, birds chirping, water running, horns beeping.  I’m glad I can hear and I also wonder how much is worth hearing.  Many of us are afraid of the quiet, so we keep a constant stream of noise in the background, usually music or television.  We don’t just keep it in the background; we keep it in the foreground with technology and music.  We listen to iPods or car stereos.  In the The Phantom Tollbooth, by Norton Juster we learn, however that there are also different kinds of silences:

“Have you ever heard the wonderful silence just before the dawn?" she inquired. "Or the quiet and calm just as the storm ends? Or perhaps you know the silence when you haven't the answer to a question you've been asked, or the hush of a country road at night, or the expectant pause in a roomful of people when someone is just about to speak, or, most beautiful of all, the moment after the door closes and you're all alone in the whole house? Each one is different, you know, and all very beautiful, if you listen carefully.”

I don’t think I appreciate the silences enough probably because I don’t get them enough.  Where does silence come from?  It is merely the absence of noise.  I think it’s more than that.  I think it comes from within.  I like what King David says in Psalm 131:

My heart is not proud, Lord,
    

my eyes are not haughty;


I do not concern myself with great matters


or things too wonderful for me.

But I have calmed and quieted myself,

I am like a weaned child with its mother;

like a weaned child I am content.

           

I think to get disentangled from all the noise of the world, I need to get disentangled from all the noise in myself.  One of the ways that I can do that is to be in my Purpose.  When I’m writing or doing anything that is meaningful and productive, I’m a lot quieter inside.  I’m not screaming for attention or approval.  I’m not whining.  I’m not complaining.  I’m just writing or doing what I’m supposed to be doing.  Purpose and determination are quiet.  Purpose may involve sound but it  doesn’t need to make noise.  The work speaks for itself.   Purpose is calm and quiet and gets the job done.  When I Get Started and Keep Going, I get calm and I get quiet.  

Another Letter to My Muse

Dear Muse,

I just wanted to write a quick note before I went to bed.  I’m pretty tired, so I probably won’t write much.  I just wanted to say a few things.

First, I wanted to thank you for being in my life.  It amazes me that you are here at all.  I’m not the easiest person in the world to be with.  I have a hard time focusing on things.  I get easily distracted.  I’m still working very hard on being the man I want to be.  The writing you inspire in these now-almost-daily blogs is helping me to become that man, but I still have a long way to go.

Still, because of you, I am increasingly focused on being more peaceful, more joyful and more loving.  Despite my troubles, I’m happier than I’ve ever been because you are at my side.  I want you at my side until the day I die.  Tonight I read how comic artist Alex Toth literally died at his drawing board at the age of 77.  That’s how I want to go, with you at my side as I’m writing.  But I don’t want to talk about my demise; I want to talk about my life.

As I said, my life has changed immensely, and so much of it is because of you.  Perhaps it’s indirect, but since I started focusing on and listening to you, I’ve made decisions I should have made years ago.  The parts of my past that seemed so difficult and hopeless are fast becoming just stories now.  The present is all that matters. 

Well, the present and the future, because I am constantly visualizing my future with you.  It includes the house on the beach and a lot more time with you.  That’s in the more distant future.  In the immediate future I have to take action.  As much as you love me, the one thing you will not and cannot do is my work.  You can give me direction and inspiration, but I have to do the work.  The more I stay focused and the more work I do, the sooner I can get to my dreams and to the future I desire. 

That’s really all I have to say tonight.  I’m tired and I think the biggest inspiration you’ve given me tonight is to take care of myself and get some sleep.  I almost heard your voice say, “If you won’t do it for you, do it for me.” 

So I’m honoring your request because I love you.  I will take care of myself to make you happy.  In this way, I’ll be better able to hear what you have to say in the morning. 

Thank you, dear Muse, for all you’ve given me.

I love you.

Robert

Having a Good Day Every Day

“A good answer to ‘Good morning’ is ‘Yes, it is.’”

Me

“If you realized how powerful your thoughts are, you would never think a negative thought.”

Peace Pilgrim

“For myself I am an optimist -- it does not seem to be much use being anything else.”

Winston Churchill

I have never felt less like writing than I do now.   It’s not that I can’t think of a topic (although I can’t), it’s just that I simply don’t feel like writing.   I’m a little irritable actually, probably from not enough sleep.  So I’m probably not going to write a blog tonight, or if I do, it will be a short one.  Mostly I just want to do one of two things, chat with a friend or get some sleep.  Plus I don’t really have much to say.

Actually, I probably do.  I was going to complain about things that were bothering me, but really, at this moment I have nothing to complain about.  I’m safe and warm and healthy.  My work is done for the day.  I think I did a good job of teaching today.  The students seemed happy and engaged and there was a lot of laughter as well as learning.  I feel pretty fortunate to have the job I do.

I also had good interactions with my children.  I worked something out for my youngest so that she could ride her bike to school with her sister.  That made me happy.  I also got to take my oldest one to softball practice and it was nice to have time with her. 

Finally I had nice conversations with different friends today.  That also made me happy.  Honestly, there was more good than bad today.  In fact, the only bad I can think of is that I didn’t get enough time with my middle girl today.  I was feeling worried about some things, but there wasn’t actually anything bad happening except the worrying itself.  Most of the problems I had today were in my mind, which means I had very few problems at all.

I wonder how many days I have like that.  I wonder how many days I have where I have no actual problems but the ones I create in my head.  What if I were aware of that?  What if even the problems I had were, on closer examination, not issues that couldn’t be solved or resolved?  What would that mean?

It might mean that I have few or no problems.  Is that an amazing thought?  I know it’s not an original one, but it’s amazing nonetheless.   I could go through a day, most of my days with few or no problems.  What a concept!  Of course, it would require certain commitments:

·      I would not be allowed to complain verbally.

·      If negative thoughts arose, I would have to deal with them lovingly, firmly and quickly.

·      I would have to stop judging others.

·      I would have to stop judging myself.

·      I would need to smile more.

·      I would need to express gratitude more often.

·      I would need to be aware of the needs of others.

·      I would need to breathe and be calm.

·      I would need to get at eye-level when I talk to my children.

·      I would need to trust God.

·      I would need to not have too many needs or wants.

·      I would need to deal honestly and quickly with things that are hurting me.

·      I would need to ask forgiveness when I hurt others.

Nothing I listed is too difficult.  I think I will try this tomorrow.  Then I can have another good day.  I can Get Started and Keep Going… and have a great day every day!

Document 1

“Sometimes I feel like a motherless child

Sometimes I feel like a motherless child

Sometimes I feel like a motherless child

Long way from my home

Sometimes I wish I could fly

Like a bird up in the sky

Oh, sometimes I wish I could fly

Fly like a bird up in the sky

Sometimes I wish I could fly

Like a bird up in the sky

Closer to my home”

Van Morrison – Sometimes I Feel Like a Motherless Child

“Reading makes a full man, conference a ready man, and writing an exact man.”

Francis Bacon

“Victory belongs to the most persevering.”

Napoleon

I don’t know why, but I was having more trouble than usual getting started this morning.  I overslept and I had a hard time getting motivated.  Fortunately, determination does not require motivation.  It requires only that I do my work.  So there I sat, on Labor Day ironically, doing my work.

I’ll be honest; there’s always this little feeling of excitement once I get started.  I can’t wait to see what will appear on the screen as my fingers move across the keyboard.  I can’t wait to see what the Muse will give me.  Every day it’s something new.  Here are some reminders from the last few days.

·      Doing my work makes me special and unique whether it gets noticed or not.

·      Every time I write I have won a victory over my baser nature.

·      Nothing in this life is mine.

·      Creativity is the one thing that doesn’t get easier with practice.

·      When it comes to Purpose, emotions don’t matter – not happiness or sadness, apathy or excitement.  The only thing that matters is action.

It’s interesting, but I had to review my blogs to remember the lessons of the last few days.  It was very uplifting to read things that encouraged me, things that I wrote.  I don’t mean to be vain, but I really enjoy my writing.  Maybe I enjoy it because it’s not really mine.  It comes from God and I’m just lucky enough because He uses my fingers to put His message across.  At the same time, this work is mine.  Yes, it’s on loan, but until God comes back for me, this work is mine.  And if I may be immodest, 204 blogs is an impressive body of work.  I feel pretty good about myself, not from vanity but from joy at having the privilege of this gift.

I think God lends us our gifts for two reasons:

First, He wants to see what we’ll do with them.  Will we use them, develop them,

waste them, or squander them?  Will we hide them?  Will we use them to hurt or mislead other people?   Abraham Lincoln and Adolf Hitler were both gifted orators.  A gift is meant for good.  It is meant for healing and for growth.  Always.  Any gift that is misused becomes a tool for hell.  Literally.

Second, He wants us to enjoy them.   Gifts are meant to be enjoyed, even the ones that are lent to us.  When I am using my gifts I feel powerful, calm, loving and purposeful.  I’m no longer looking for the approval of others. I’m not giving in to the demands of people or circumstances.  I’m not regretting the past or fearing the future.  I’m right here in the right now.  The only emotions I’m feeling are gratitude and humility.  I’m also praying that I will use my gifts wisely and well.

So I sit here and write from a position of responsibility and joy.  My responsibility is to myself, to take care of myself by doing this.  Then I’m far more equipped to take care of others the rest of the day.  The hardest part about the rest of the day is to remember to stay present.  Writing is not my only purpose.  That’s why I keep my 3x5 cards with me, to remember my other responsibilities and gifts.  I don’t only need daily reminders; I need minute-by-minute reminders.

I thought I was a long way from home, but I just flew closer.   I think the lesson here is to keep writing, no matter what I’m feeling.  Today, because I was having a hard time with this blog, I started a new one.  I liked it.  When I came back to look at this one, I liked it too.  To Keep Going doesn’t mean that I can’t take another path.  It also doesn’t mean that I can’t return to this path.  It just means to not stop.  Get Started.  Keep Going.

Document 2

“Character is what emerges from all the little things you were too busy to do yesterday, but did anyway.”

Mignon McLaughlin, The Second Neurotic's Notebook, 1966

“The artist is nothing without the gift, but the gift is nothing without work.”

Emile Zola

“Give your dreams all you've got and you'll be amazed at the energy that comes out of you.”

William James

Have you ever written something or created something or done something aligned with your purpose and felt like it was just crap?  That’s what I feel now.  I’m working on a blog on another page, designated as Document 1 by the program I’m using, and I’m thinking that it’s…. I don’t know…nothing new or original.    It’s crap.  I can’t even give it a name yet, so it’s Document 1.  Now here I am on Document 2.  

I feel like I need to breathe fresh air into my writing.  I’m not sure what to do.

·      Should I take the day off from writing?

·      Should I go back and read it again and see if I can fix it?

·      Should I publish it anyway and know that I will be fine and that it’s just one blog of many?

·      Should I go for a walk or do something else?

·      Should I just continue with this blog and see what happens?

·      Should I ignore my feelings and just keep writing?

That brings me to my next list of questions:

·      Where are my feelings coming from?

·      Are they instinct or fear?

·      Am I worried about what others might think?

·      Are my feelings a sign that I need to work harder?

I’ve often said that feelings, by definition, are not wrong.  But they’re not right either.  I can honor them but I don’t have to be controlled by them.  So even now, as I’m writing each word, pushing each word out actually as if I were pushing out gallstones, I keep working until I start “feeling it.”  I don’t know what the writing process is like for other writers, but for me it’s just sitting here until I get it right, until I get my message.  Honestly, it’s sometimes excruciating….

I mean, today is a holiday.  I should be at the beach with my kids or seeing a movie or reading comic books or playing online games.  I don’t need this pain or stress.  I don’t need this pressure.  Is my life not stressful enough that I have to add more stress, self-inflicted stress?  And for what?  Is anyone even reading this?  I almost never get comments or affirmations.  I’ll say this:  writing, as much as I love it, is not always fun.  It’s a grind.  Sometimes it’s just lonely.  Very lonely.  I sit here by myself.  No one can help me.  No one can do this for me.  This is my moment.  I’m facing the bull in the arena, the opposing pitcher, the armed enemy on his territory, the other fighter in the ring who, by the way, is bigger, stronger and faster than me.  I can step up or I can back down.  I can fight back or I can run away.  What’s worse is that even if I do step up, I may still take a beating.

I can’t even begin to articulate the frustration I’m feeling right now.  Well, I can, but typing a list of expletives probably won’t help.

So I guess I just sit here and keep pouring out my angst and frustration until peace and joy come.

And this is what the writing process is like sometimes.  This is what all creative processes are like.  It doesn’t matter if I’m writing, spending time with my children, teaching, starting a business, painting, or counseling.  Creativity and creation, as I’ve said before, come from the same root word.  And very few creations come without costs.

What are the costs?  They may be physical, as a woman giving birth.  More often though, the cost is emotional.  I have to die to myself.  Let me give an example.  Yesterday, I took my daughters swimming.  It was hot and crowded and the best shady spots had been taken.  Oh, and I had just found out that they had lost the pool key again and it will cost us $100 to replace a $7 piece of plastic.  To reduce my irritability I was playing an online game on my phone.  But my daughters kept saying, “Daddy, Daddy, look!”  They needed me to watch some amazing trick they were doing in the water for the 100^th time. 

God bless me, because I don’t know why, but for once I did something right.   I put down my phone and watched them and smiled at them and encouraged them as if they had just qualified for the Olympics or something.  And the more I did this, the better I felt.  The more I smiled at them, the happier I got.  I remembered what little miracles they are and how both of them, and their older sister too, is each an amazing story.  I thought of men in prison or at war or who are overwhelmed by work who would give anything to be able to watch their children play.  I felt grateful and happy.

And that’s what writing is like, too.  I feel grateful and happy to be here.  Yes, it can be annoying and stressful and angst-producing.  It can bring out my worst fears and my inadequacies…and it can heal them.  That’s what love does.  It heals.  And the more I write or pay attention to my kids or do anything that aligns with my Purpose, the more I am healed.

So I was able to Started and Keep Going.  Maybe later I’ll look at the Document 1 again and see it’s worth trying again.  I’m just grateful I finished Document 2.

I Do NOT Feel Like Writing

“You don't start out writing good stuff. You start out writing crap and thinking it's good stuff, and then gradually you get better at it.

That's why I say one of the most valuable traits is persistence.”

Octavia E. Butler

“Being in the mood to write, like being in the mood to make love, is a luxury that isn't necessary in a long-term relationship. Just as the first caress can lead to a change of heart, the first sentence, however tentative and awkward, can lead to a desire to go just a little further.”

Julia Cameron, The Right to Write: An Invitation and Initiation into the Writing Life

“It's all mine, it's all sacred.”

Coco J. Ginger

I do NOT feel like writing this morning.  I feel like I pulled a writing muscle by writing three blogs in one day yesterday.  But here I am.  And I’m happy to be here.  Eventually I will figure out what I’m supposed to say, but until I do I will just keep writing. Writer Dorothy Parker said, “I hate writing.  I love having written.”

I love writing; what I hate is not knowing what to write. Maybe I’ll free-write until something occurs.

It’s hot right now.  Today in San Diego, Chicago and Ankara, Turkey, it will be about 83°.  It was the same yesterday and it has been for the last few days, but it’s felt a lot worse.  I don’t do well in hot weather.  When I was a kid, the hot weather used to give me nosebleeds and…

I find it ridiculous that I’m writing about the weather.  Is that what this has come to?  Do I really have nothing else to say?  Maybe before I start writing I should do one of the following things:

·      Read a book for inspiration.

·      Read one or more of my own blogs for inspiration.

·      Clean my place.

·      Call a friend and ask for a topic.

·      Call Steven Pressfield, the man who refuses to be my mentor, yet inspires me nonetheless, and shamelessly beg him again to help me, despite his polite but firm refusals.

·      Go for a walk.

·      Refill my coffee cup.

·      Continue writing this list to the point of embarrassment.

This is what it’s like, folks.  This is Purpose.   It’s the part of Purpose that no one likes to talk about, the part where I just keep moving until I am done, until my message comes.   It’s not romantic.  It’s not fun.  If I were in a movie, there might be some cool music playing in the background and the movie would show a second or two of me hunched over a keyboard.  It wouldn’t show the actual amount of time it takes to write and rewrite and edit this.  The movie would be inspirational and people might be cheering me on as they munch on their $7 box of popcorn.  A few might be inspired to take action.  Fewer actually would take action.  But this isn’t a movie.

No one is cheering me on.  No one is watching.  Well, God and the Muse are watching.  They’re waiting to see what I do with this time and how I get through this.  They are also cheering me on.  And they’re helping me…sort of…but I’m the one who has to sit here and get it done.  The world is watching, too…as long as I have something worth showing.

My place is hot and there’s a baby crying nearby and I wish someone would feed it or change it or play with it.  There are people nearby opening and closing doors and talking.  I wish they would go away.  Of course, if they do, then I’ll be deprived of the excuse that I need absolute quiet to do my work.  If they stop talking, then I won’t have an external reason for not staying focused.  I will have to look within.  I don’t want to do that because all that will do is lead me to uncomfortable conclusions like diligence, commitment, and keeping my word to myself.

I suppose I could blame my ADHD for my inability to produce.  But really, that’s just another external factor.  I like to think my ADHD is internal, “a marketing ploy,” as Pressfield calls it, but I can still make a choice to write.  More accurately, I can make hundreds of choices, one every moment, to write the next sentence, the next word. 

My only hope is that someone will read this and take heart. I hope it will give others either pause or encouragement.  First I hope it gives readers pause.  Once I commit to my Purpose, there is no turning back.  This takes courage, I suppose, though I’m reluctant to call myself courageous.  The truth is I simply decide what makes me more afraid:  doing my work or going back to being the person I was before I started writing.  I think if people walk in Hell, they only move backwards, never forward.  I am not courageous.  I am just afraid of the hell of moving backwards in my life.  Fortunately, this fear comes before the writing.  Once I begin writing, it seems to vanish.

I also hope it will give others encouragement, for the same reason.  Sometimes someone successful says, “If I can do it, anybody can do it.”

I hate that expression.

I realize that it’s meant to encourage.  It’s meant to say, “I’m just an ordinary person, nothing special.  I’m not above you or greater than you.”

While well intentioned, it’s not true.  The moment someone commits to his Purpose, he is no longer ordinary.  She is now special.  He is greater than the rest of humanity who have decided to stay home and do nothing with their lives.  The moment she commits to her calling is the moment she joins the pantheon of heroes.  Every moment he keeps going allows him to stay in that pantheon.

So am I special because I write or create art or start my business or work with children or follow my life’s calling?  Yes.  Am I greater?  I don’t know, but I certainly feel great.

I often end by saying, “All I have to do is Get Started and Keep Going.”  “All” is a self-contradictory word though, meaning both big and little.  It’s a big word because it means everything.  Complete.  Total.  It’s also a small word – three letters.  It’s a small decision to move forward.  It’s small and quiet and it only takes a moment.  And it’s probably the biggest decision you’ll ever make in your life.  So it’s not an easy one.  But it’s still better than Hell.  Being in Purpose is better than just about anything. 

Can I Write Just Once More Today?

“Victory is always possible for the person who refuses to stop fighting.”

Napoleon Hill

“No tears in the writer, no tears in the reader. No surprise in the writer, no surprise in the reader.”

 Robert Frost

“You must stay drunk on writing so reality cannot destroy you.”

Ray Bradbury, Zen in the Art of Writing

Can I write once more today?   I don’t see why not.  If I do, I will have written three blogs in fewer than twelve hours.  I’m not trying to set a record here, but I am trying to win a victory.  I’ve been holed up in my place all day and it’s been nice.  I’ve eaten in order to keep up my strength and I’ve had some nice human contact, but mostly I’ve kept to myself. 

Part of the reason for staying to myself is because my days are usually stressful and filled with tasks and obligations.  It’s nice to have time to take care of myself and even nicer to get time to write.  The other reason I’ve kept to myself is to work on my writing.  There are few things more important to me.  I’m not even sure what I’m going to say; I’m just going to write.  I feel compelled to do this because I have a vision of doing this every morning, writing for three or four hours every day.  But could I really do that?  Would I have the power to sustain that schedule?

I don’t know.  So I’m going to start with the time I have now.  Maybe today is a test.  Maybe it’s a test with one question:

You have a day all to yourself.  You say you want, with all your heart, to be a writer.  So what do you choose to do with this day?

The way I answer that question in both words and deeds may determine my entry into the next level.  I have to be faithful with a little before I can get a lot.  In my own life I have always liked the idea of things more than their actual reality.  I liked the idea of knowledge, but I didn’t like to spend time reading books.  I liked the idea of good grades, but I didn’t like to study.  I liked the idea of having a lot of money, but I didn’t like to work.   I liked the idea of being God’s representative on earth, but I didn’t control my rudeness with people.

“Ideas are worthless without action,” says Earl Nightingale in The Strangest Secret.  Action means I do something.  It also means doing something different than what I’ve done in the past.  If I do not feel successful, then I’m probably not.  And if I’m not, it’s probably because I haven’t taken enough action.  It doesn’t need to be the right action; it just needs to be something other than avoiding work and effort.  Action means I need to work.  I need to put away the comic books and games and movies and do something that is a good investment of my time.  As much as I love comic books, games and movies, none of those things have made me any money, earned me any self-respect or moved me to a better place in life.  In fact, they’ve often held me back. 

So I’m writing my third blog today because the answer to the question above is this:

I choose to write.  I choose to fulfill my commitments to those I love and to myself.  I choose to work.  Perhaps later I can read a comic book or watch a movie, but right now I choose to work.

This feels good.  This is the best possible use of my time.  I will sleep better for it.  I will feel better later for what I am doing now.  That’s what an investment is – reward later for effort now.  But the reward is also now.  Doing the work is truly is its own reward.  That’s why this feels good. 

Perhaps this will lead nowhere, but I doubt it.  Writing every day may or may not lead me to all the money I’d like or a book contract, but it will lead me somewhere.  Consistently being in Purpose always leads us somewhere new and better.  I have never seen this fail.  Never.  So I’m going to keep writing.  My task still needs to be the same – to wake up early every morning so I can write. 

This much is certain:  every time I write and every time I publish another blog, I have just been victorious.  I have won a victory against fear, laziness and procrastination.  Every time I do my work, I have won.  Every.  Single.  Time.  And one victory will build on the next until I have a string of them, such as 202 blogs for example.

So I Get Started and I Keep Going.  God willing, I will write more tomorrow and the next day and the next day until God asks me to stop.