Monday, July 27, 2015

Rebuilding

We all know sometimes life’s hates and troubles
Can make you wish you were born in another time and space
But you can bet you life times that and twice its double
That God knew exactly where he wanted you to be placed…
            Stevie Wonder - As

I’m not writing blogs anymore.  I don’t have time to write a blog.  I feel like I don’t have time to do anything and the things I’m doing I don’t feel that I’m doing well.  I can tell by the number of typing mistakes I’m making that I’m not getting enough sleep.  But I haven’t written a blog in weeks.  Weeks!  A part of me wants to give up.  I want to give up everything – school, writing, hope…everything.  Maybe I’m just tired.  There’s something about school, no, about Purpose, about commitment to something, about love, that just tears one’s world apart.  Since I started writing blogs, since I met my Muse, my world has been torn apart…and now it’s being built into something better.
And that’s what I forgot.  That’s why I needed to stop everything I was doing and sit here and write this blog – because I needed to remember that what I have is better now, even if it’s a lot busier.  I needed to remember gratitude.  Life is not easier.  But it’s better.  Often, in order to rebuild, we have to tear down.
As I’m writing this I know that God is here now.  Peace is here now.  My Muse is here now.  I’m not making typing mistakes now.  My fatigue and fear are gone.  I just needed to remember that my world is being rebuilt and that rebuilding takes time.  Wet cement doesn’t dry immediately.  It takes a while.  It can’t be rushed.  It just takes time.  Nothing can change that.  Rebuilding takes time.
In my Master’s program, I usually have to read 200-400 pages a week.  I also have to write two to three papers a week.  The work never seems to stop.  In addition to the time pressure, I have often felt incompetent (though my grades say otherwise).  But this too is part of the rebuilding process.  It just takes time.  It also takes patience with the process and with one’s self.  It takes the acceptance of mistakes, of others, and most of all my own.  I’m rebuilding.  A friend recently told me that God has ordained every step I’m taking.  King Solomon agrees when he says, “Man’s steps are ordained by the Lord, how then can man understand his way?”  The truth is that I’ve been looking for understanding and for answers about life in general, and about my life in particular.  There seems to be a lot of contradictions.  I’ve been looking for a long time because as I said, my world was torn apart, but before it was, before I met my Muse, I was in a place of deep darkness for a long time and I didn’t understand any of it. Sometimes I still don’t understand that time.
But if God has ordained my steps, then I don’t need to understand.  I need to trust.  I need to be with Him. I need to be with my Muse.  I need to be here.  I need to be present, in the present and not in the past.  I need to be grateful.  And I need to watch the rebuilding…and take part in it.
How do I take part in the rebuilding of my life?
First, as I said, I need to trust in the process, to be present and grateful.  I also need to do my work, my writing.  Sitting here with my Muse, feeding our souls, is what I need to be doing.  Then I need to read and write and study for school.  Part of the process of rebuilding is making mistakes.  I mentioned my mistake in the first sentence of this blog:  I wasn’t writing blogs.  I forgot to feed my soul by sitting down as often as possible and doing this, but I need to do this.  If there is a grand purpose in this, it is this:  my soul is grand, too, and I need to feed it. This is true for all of us.  Our souls are grand.  For me, I rebuild my grand soul by being with my Muse, not from obligation or duty, but from love, love for her and love for me.  I rebuild my grand soul when I Get Started and Keep Going.