I should take a break. I just finished a 600+-word essay. Then I paid some bills. Then I went running. So I deserve a break. Maybe I could watch a movie or read some comic books. The thing is I’d rather sit in this chair, the chair I sit with my Muse in, and let her (and me) know that I am still here. I still write. I haven’t given this up. I’ve slowed down a lot since I started school, but I haven’t quit. In fact, I’m running faster even though I’ve slowed down. I spent many hours in this chair and it feels good to be sitting here again. It feels good to let my fingers hit the keyboard and see what happens. It feels good to create something out of nothing, to put words and ideas on what once was a blank screen, even though I really don’t have anything to say yet. However, I have noticed something as I pursue this Master’s degree.
I’ve noticed that I approach almost every assignment the same way I approached almost every blog – with fear and trepidation.
I’ve noticed that I often delay and procrastinate on assignments, or at least the parts that are hard to me. I like the reading, but the writing scares me. (Yes, that’s right.)
I’ve noticed that even when I start working that I am still easily distracted.
I’ve noticed that by noticing these things, I have more capacity to change them.
Tonight I also went running. I think it was my sixth time. It was hard, but not as hard as the first five times. Towards the end I started getting a rhythm to the run. My stiffness was gone. I was actually sprinting a little. I’m still not ready to run a marathon (and I don’t want to), but tonight was the first time I really started hitting a stride. This makes me even more excited about running tomorrow.
Maybe this is true of all activities that require self-discipline and patience. Maybe stiffness and awkwardness are part of the process in the beginning. Maybe we literally have to crawl and then walk and then run. There were times in my life when I tried to sprint right away, without knowing the landscape, and I usually tripped and fell and hurt myself. I had a job once in which I thought I was going to do great things, where I was going to go the distance. But I didn’t know the landscape or the people on it. I thought I was going to come in first place and get noticed, but instead I got relegated to doing laps, mostly alone. It was a painful and humiliating experience. But being humiliated, which is bad, can lead to being humbled, which is good. I learned that it’s better to start the race slowly, to run quietly, to run well, and then get noticed more positively.
Maybe I’ll run alone for the rest of my life.
But I won’t stop.
I’ll Get Started and Keep Going…and Keep Running.