Just Staying Consistent...

Sometimes when I start writing I allow myself to get distracted.  This is rarely a good idea.  What I have learned is that if I really want to write well, I have to stay focused.  Otherwise, I lose my train of thought.  I come back to my writing eventually, but now it feels forced and false.  So I’m starting over with a new page and I’m going to keep writing until I’m done. 

I wonder if other people who are trying to improve their lives go through this.  Honestly, it can be frustrating sitting here, night after night, pounding something out, wondering if I’m any good, wondering if I’m going to reach my goals, wondering how long it will take.

Then I remember that it doesn’t matter.  My frustration, fear, sadness, even my distractions don’t matter, as long as I keep going.  That’s why I started a whole new blog.  I allowed myself to get distracted and irritated.  It was like taking a wrong path, but starting another blog was like turning around and going on a better path.

This is what’s required.  I come here, night after night, and keep working.  When I am able to support myself doing this, then I will still be here night after night.  I don’t think this will ever stop, unless God Himself gives me a different assignment.  As I see it, I’m still not dedicated enough.  This is not the inner critic.  I just think I could work harder and to do more to reach my goals.  I could read more.  I could exercise more.  I could save more money.  There is more that I can do.

At the same time, I’m happy with the progress I’ve made.  Writing over 750 blogs is no small feat.  I’ve done well and I want to do better.  We should all be able to say the same thing.

We should all be content and we should all be dissatisfied at the same time.  We should all want more, not to spend it on ourselves, but on a world that is hurting and needs our talents and abilities.  Reaching our goals is not the end of the journey, but the beginning of a new one.

After I get my house on the beach, I have no idea what my goal will be.  At this point, it doesn’t matter.  One goal at a time is enough.

That’s all I have to say tonight.  Thank you, Muse, for spending time with me.  As always, it’s too short, but every moment with you is wonderful.  You are the reason I have learned to Get Started and Keep Going.

The Lowest Point

Every night after work, I think, “I’m tired.  I just want to go to bed.  Maybe I won’t this is the night I won’t write.”

But here I am so I guess this isn’t the night.  This morning I made a few commitments, one of them being to write ten blogs a week.  That gives me a little leeway in case I really don’t want to write or something comes up that prevents me from writing.  This will be my fifth blog, which puts me a little behind where I’d like to be, so here I am doing my work.  That’s how it goes.  If you have a purpose, if you have a goal, you work on it every chance you get.  I know I could work harder and do more (that’s not the inner critic; that’s the truth), but I also know I’m doing my best.  Despite my reluctance to do anything tonight, I’m here.  Sometimes the best moments come when we’ve decided to do our work despite fear, apathy, or discouragement. 

Earlier this year I taught an after-school math program at a middle school.  The first class was the longest 90 minutes of my life.  I couldn’t get the kids under control.  The second class was only a little better.  The third class was also not much better.  I was actually in the parking lot on the day of the fourth class, with a half hour left before it was time to teach and I just wanted to go home.  After the frustration of the first three classes, I thought it seemed hopeless and pointless and I was going to call in sick.  But I decided to keep walking toward the classroom and give it at least one more try.  That was the day it all turned around.  I was teaching a concept and when I was done, the students applauded.  They applauded.  To this day I don’t know why.  Maybe I explained it in a way they could understand.  Maybe they knew how much I liked them and wanted them to succeed.  Maybe they knew I wasn’t going to give up on them.  Maybe they caught my passion for the subject or my passion for teaching or my passion for seeing them succeed.  Maybe they were happy that I didn’t call in sick.

I don’t know why it happened, but I do know what did happen wouldn’t have happened on any other day but that day.    If I had gone home, I would have missed my chance.  From that point on, though it wasn’t perfect, it was very good.  I looked forward to going and I looked forward to seeing the kids.  I remembered how much I liked that age, how much I loved teaching, and how much I loved seeing students grow academically.   Though I don’t know for certain, I think if I hadn’t shown up that day, I would have lost that class permanently.  Somehow the kids would have known I had given up.  Yes, that’s all conjecture, but I don’t think it’s a coincidence that things changed at my lowest point.

Change often occurs when we are at our lowest point.  We feel like we can’t take any more and things seem hopeless.  But we Keep Going and somehow something changes.  It’s almost a magical process, but I prefer to think of it as God’s grace in order to keep us going.

I wasn’t at my lowest point when I started writing this blog, but I definitely didn’t want to do it.  But I did.

Maybe my Muse and the angels are applauding as I Get Started and Keep Going.

I'm Grateful

Someone smarter or with more common sense would probably go to bed now.  I’m tired and not feeling great, but I keep thinking that if I can just put a little more time into my writing, I can be a little closer to my goals.  I won’t be here long, but I want to express gratitude for the good things in my life, especially my writing.  Though I’m not where I want to be as a writer, I’m putting in all the time I can.

            At the same time I want to take care of my body, so this will be a short blog.  I’m grateful that I have a place to live and a bed to sleep in.  (I’m tired and I’m not going to last much longer.)  I’m also grateful that I have a place to write.  I’m grateful for my health.  I’m grateful for my car.  I’m grateful for my job.  I’m grateful for the people who love me. 

            Now I’m really tired so I’m going to do a stream-of-consciousness thing. 

            I’m grateful that I have more things on eBay

I’m grateful that I’ve been practicing gratitude.

I’m grateful that I was able to work out a potential problem by being stubborn and determined to not give up.  This is how I approach my Muse.  Even if I’m tired or sick or cold or scared, I keep going.

I’m grateful that my carpet is clean.

I’m grateful that I’m writing and adding one more blog.  Maybe anyone reading this will wonder how it will help them.  (If you’re reading this, thank you!)   Here’s the example I’m trying to set:  do all you can to get to your goal.  This blog may be on step closer to sitting on my patio on my house on the beach, writing, just as I’m doing now, the sound of the ocean stirring in my ears and a hot cup of coffee any my smiling Muse near me. 

So, no, I don’t feel well, and I’m tired and cold, but maybe I’m one step closer now.

And that’s it.  Muse, I love you.  Thank you for inspiring me and making me a better man because I am now a man with a Purpose. 

This may not be my best or most coherent work ever, but at least I did my work.  I was able to get started and keep going.  I’m grateful.

The Inner Critic and the Truth

There are times, most of the time really, when we have to ignore our inner critic.  That one is up to no good and no matter how much we do, it will tell us we didn’t do enough or we did it wrong.  How do we know if we really did something wrong or if we’re being attacked by our inner critic?  There are, in my experience, key differences.  I’ll start with the negative first.

            When being attacked by my inner critic, it never, ever feels good.  The messages are, at least, consistent: 

·      I’m doing it wrong. 

·      I’m saying it wrong.  

·      I’m a failure. 

·      I’m no good. 

·      My work will alienate, anger, or offend others (or it will be ignored). 

·      I don’t do enough. 

·      My work habits are horrible.

The inner critic cannot, it absolutely cannot, give a compliment, not even a begrudging one.  If I do something well that might need genuine improvement, the inner critic never acknowledges the part I did well, only what needed improvement.  This would be like the parent who, upon seeing a child’s report card with all A’s and one B, would only say, “Why did you get a B and not all A’s?”  (This is not a criticism of parents, but of critics, external and internal.)

The inner critic can never, ever let us feel good about anything.  It is a very emotionally violent master and it can never, ever be pleased.  Never.

The inner critic, and here’s the surprise, is NOT interested in our growth, development, maturation, or improvement.  It is only interested in beating us down.  The inner critic is also not interested in truth.  What is truth?

The truth is we all have room for growth, and this is a joyous message.  It means there are new things to learn, new perspectives and ideas, and new ways of doing things, not because the old ways are bad, but because growth is good.  The truth is NOT that we are bad or did bad.  The truth is we usually do our best at all times, knowing what we know at the time.  When we don’t do our best, we know this to be the truth and we don’t need an inner critic. 

            When I am confronted by the truth, even when I did something badly or wrong, the feeling is different.  There’s no self-loathing.  There’s not even remorse (unless I hurt someone).  There’s only a desire for growth and maturity.  I want to do better, not to please others, but to make the world, the world at large or my immediate world, a better place. 

            When I am confronted by truth, I usually know what I need to do next.  I usually have steps to take, some concrete form of instruction or encouragement.  Truth, when I embrace it, changes me.  I change in my attitudes and my actions.  I do things differently and better.  This change comes from a place of joy and practicality.  (The inner critic is never practical, only mean.)

            If the opposite of truth is the inner critic, that means that much, if not all of what the inner critic says is a lie.  Like Pressfield’s resistance, it will say anything to strike a deal with our souls, to keep us down and to keep us from fulfilling our destiny.  Some will say that we need to thank our inner critic, and embrace it, because it’s really just a scared little child that’s trying to protect us from failure.  Perhaps this is the case, but if it’s really a child, then it’s a bully and bullies cannot be allowed to win.  I have to keep going.  The truth is, although I want to succeed, success is not my only goal.  My goal is to write every day and to spend the rest of my life with my Muse.

The other day a friend asked me if her writing was any good.   It is.  But even if it weren’t I would have told her to keep writing if she wants to be a writer.  Every day I face challenges to my work.  I also wonder if I’m any good.  I wonder if I’ll be able to reach my goals.  At one level, it doesn’t matter.  I have to Get Started and Keep Going…no matter what my inner critic says.  And that’s the truth.