I was sitting alone ready to read a
book about making money. I’ve finished a Master’s degree in history and now it’s
time to move on to the next phase of life. My biggest challenge is a lack of
money. If I had significantly more money, I could change a lot of things. So I looked
at the money books section of my bookshelf and picked one. As I started reading
it, I realized that I really didn’t want to read it. It’s not that I don’t want
to read or study or learn; it’s just that I didn’t want to read a book about
money. It was making me tense. I sat
quietly trying to understand what was happening and I realized I felt this feeling
before. Years ago I was reading a book on teaching and I felt the same
discomfort. I wanted to throw the book on the floor…hard. There was nothing
wrong with the book or the subject; it just wasn’t what I wanted. Eventually, too many years later, despite
reading several books on education I finally changed careers because it wasn’t
what I wanted to do. It never had been.
Becoming an expert on money is not
what I want to do either. I want to make money, of course. I want to be
knowledgeable and wise and informed. What I do not want to do is spend the next
several hours, days, and weeks reading on the subject.
I stayed quiet as I continued hearing
my heart. Mariachi music was playing on a neighbor’s radio. Seagulls were
squawking over the dumpsters. I barely heard any of that. All I could hear was
the message of my heart. “Study U.S. Presidents. Read about what you love. Life
is so precious and short. Do what you love. Be with the people you love. Read
what you love. Learn what you love.”
Now I try to not be impulsive
because that trait has often led me to make bad decisions. But this time I was
impulsive and I went back to that bookshelf and took almost all of the money
books about thinking like a millionaire and living like a millionaire and
having the bank account of a millionaire and I put them in the closet. Then I filled
the empty space with books on Watergate and the Nixon era. I did, however,
leave a few money books there, because I’m not giving up the subject entirely.
I’m just not giving it precedence.
Where will this all lead me? I still
want enough wealth to send my kids and grandkids to college and I still want a
house on the beach and I don’t know a lot of rich historians. But I’ve spent
most of my life not following my heart and I caused myself and others a lot of
pain. And on top of all that, I’m broke trying to undo the mess I’ve made by
not following my heart. So I don’t know where this will lead me, but I know I immediately
felt happier and lighter and more energetic and enthusiastic. I felt my Muse
smiling approvingly. I feel like I’m ready to Get Started and Keep Going again.
And I feel ready for history.
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