An Incredible Mess or Incredibly Blessed?

“A weed is no more than a flower in disguise.”

Unknown

What do I do when I feel horrible?  When I feel hopeless?  When I feel frightened?  When all I want to do is go back to bed?  I certainly don’t feel like writing.  I don’t know if my troubles will end soon or if I’m in for a long stretch of pain.  All I know is that I’m scared and tired and sick at heart.  So what do I do?

There’s only one thing I can do.  Well, actually there are several things I can do.  I can stop writing.  I could give up.  I could kill myself.  I could go back to the way things were.  I could be a recluse from the world.  I could be homeless. I could do any of those things.  But I won’t. 

Instead I’m going to keep writing. 

In an earlier blog, The Champion and Purpose (http://robertf71.blogspot.com/2013/01/the-champion-and-purpose.html), I wrote that the Champion does not go into hiding, but maybe that wasn’t quite correct.  Sometimes we need to go into hiding.  We need to retreat.  To step back.  To rest.  That’s what I’m doing now.  My pain feels immense and it doesn’t help to be around others or talk to others.  I need something to do. What I don’t want to do is stay in hiding. 

I need to be in my Purpose. 

I need to write. 

I need to work. 

I need to study and exercise and clean my trunk. 

I need to do things with my hands and my mind.  Constructive things. 

I need to produce something. 

I need to make a difference in this world. 

As it is now, I can’t even write.  I have nothing to say.  I feel like I’m being attacked from all fronts.  I just need to keep writing anyway.  I once wrote that circumstances aren’t to be trusted.  They aren’t.  Neither the good ones or the bad ones.  My problems could be over in a heartbeat or my world could fall apart in a moment. 

(http://robertf71.blogspot.com/2013/04/an-open-letter-to-circumstance.html)

So I Keep Going.  I got started when I sat down to write this blog and I’m going to Keep Going until I’m done.  Then maybe I’ll write another one. What I won’t do is allow my pain to defeat me.  I wish this pain would go away, but it’s still hanging on.  I thought that writing would do it, but it’s not.  My writing feels hollow.  It doesn’t matter.  I’m going to keep writing anyway.  That’s how this works.  I Keep Going.   We Keep Going.   We find out Purpose and we stay in it. 

I’m grateful that I have a Purpose that allows me to be alone to work through my pain.  Sometimes it’s hard to have to put on a happy face.  However, if I were required to be around people, I know that would help as long as I were in my Purpose.  And that’s the thing, isn’t it?  I just need to be in my Purpose.  Perhaps it will help me transcend my pain.  Perhaps it won’t.  All I know is I can’t sit around moping because life is hard and unfair sometimes. 

The other day a close friend died unexpectedly.  She was young, vibrant and beautiful.  She leaves behind a shocked husband and two devastated sons.  Not to mention all of us who know and love her.  Is that worse than what I’m going through?  Yes and no.  Obviously, it’s worse because of the shock and the loss to her family and those who love her.  At the same time, our pain, all of our pain, when we’re dealing with it at the moment is the worst pain imaginable.  There are no comparisons.  Yes, sometimes another person’s tragedy can give me perspective, but at other times, pain is just pain, no matter where it hurts.

I’m almost done with this blog and I still haven’t found my voice or my message.  I don’t know what to do.  I haven’t written anything new or exciting or interesting.  I’m just typing now.  I’m just letting my fingers move.  Maybe I won’t even publish this blog.  I don’t know.  I keep looking for something hopeful and positive to say.  I could write a blog about comic books, just to keep writing because this blog feels pointless.  For the first time since I started writing these blogs, I don’t know what to do.  I don’t want to leave with a message of hopelessness or despair.  I can’t put that out there.  I just don’t know what to do.  I guess I will keep writing until this pain lifts or until I find a point to this blog.  This is the first time Purpose has ever failed me. 

Or maybe I just need to get deeper into my Purpose.  Maybe I need to keep writing.  Maybe I need to wait it out.  The good news is that there are many solutions to pain.  The bad news is that I don’t always know which one to use.

(One hour later)

The thing that was troubling me worked out.  It was a much smaller problem than I thought it was.   While I was going through it, it seemed like the largest, most frightening thing imaginable, but then it turned out fine.  I feel a little foolish.  There’s a more important question though.

Did I handle myself well?

No and yes.  No, because I fell apart and I let fear overwhelm me.  To use Byron Katie’s metaphor, I thought it was a snake, but it was only a rope.  I let myself become almost debilitated with fear.  As a result, I didn’t follow through on a personal commitment.  So, no, I didn’t handle myself well.

And, yes, I did.  Rather than rage against God, treat others rudely, or engage in any kind of negative behavior, I chose to go into my Purpose.  I wrote and wrote and wrote.  It may all have been rubbish, but at least I was creating something.  I also asked for prayer and, not coincidentally, shortly after that, things worked out.

I feel relieved.  I’m not sure what I would be writing if things hadn’t worked out.  I’m grateful they did.  I’m incredibly blessed.  And I’m grateful that I was able to Get Started and Keep Going