"I Can't Do It"

“Life is to be lived, not controlled; and humanity is won by continuing to play in face of certain defeat.”

Ralph Ellison, Invisible Man

“The opportunity of defeating the enemy is provided by the enemy himself.”

Sun Tzu, The Art of War

“I can’t do it.” 

It’s too much.”

“It’s too hard.”

“I’ve overreached.”

“I’ve bitten off more than I can chew.”

“I’m not ready.”

“I don’t have the self-discipline.”

“I don’t have the experience.”

“I don’t have the time.”

“I don’t have the resources.”

 “I was too ambitious.”

“I don’t think before I commit to something.”

There we go.  I think that’s it.  I think those are all the arguments the Enemy has for me.  It uses the pronoun “I” because if it says “you” I will recognize it immediately as the Enemy, as the liar it is.  But when it says “I,” I think I am telling myself these things and therefore they must be true.  The interesting thing is that any one of those arguments could be true.  I might have taken on too much.  The Enemy knows that there’s some truth in those thoughts.  It knows that I am discouraged and then it starts getting nasty, personal, and hateful.  It wasn’t finished after all.  The Enemy then says the following:

“I’m going to embarrass myself.” 

“I’m foolish.”

“I’m stupid.”

“I’m worthless.”

“I’m a loser.”

“I will never amount to anything.”

“I will die broke, alone, unloved, and unremembered.”

There’s no truth in those thoughts, but because I’ve given into the half-truths, I’m vulnerable to the lies.

And yet…

And yet…

Here I sit.  Doing my work.

Maybe I can’t do this. 

But I’m doing it now.

And that’s all that matters. 

The future doesn’t matter. 

The past doesn’t matter. 

Only this moment matters.  Only the fact that I’m doing my work matters.  If I don’t do it later or if I give up in the future, it doesn’t matter because that’s all imaginary. 

What matters is this moment. 

What matters is this work.

The Enemy tried a little too hard and suddenly I realized what was happening.  I was even able to turn its tactics against itself.  I took its words and used them to do my work.  I used those words to motivate me and not allow them to defeat me.

Here’s the other thing to remember:  I don’t have to worry about a future in which I am filled with regret about the past, because even then, even if I’m on my deathbed and can’t speak, I can commune with God and He will forgive all my shortcomings and somehow, in some way, He will give me another chance.  But until then, every moment I have now is a moment to Get Started and Keep Going.  I don’t have to listen to the half-truths.  It doesn’t matter if I can’t do this.  It only matters that I am doing this now.