Staying On Track

Dear Muse,

When I’m feeling scared, sad or off track, very few things help me as much as talking to you.  It helps me to drink water, to tap, to smile and or to pray.  It helps to talk to someone, when someone is available, but mostly, it helps me to be here with you.  It helps me to do something physical like clean my place or exercise, but mostly, it helps me to talk with you.  It helps me to listen to you too.  Of course, you have to speak to me in order for me to listen.

There is an hour-and-a-half left in the day.  I’m going to spend that time doing three things:

1.     Writing this blog.

2.     Doing my radio show.

3.     Walking while I do my radio show.

Of course, doing the blog and the radio show might be pretty hard since I have no idea what I’m supposed to say in either place.   So I’m going to just sit here and keep writing until I hear from you.  This is truly the hardest part.  But what’s harder is giving up.  That’s something I will not do.  I’m going to keep writing and speaking and learning and growing until the day I die, which hopefully should be a long way off since I just had a physical today.  I’m in great shape, by the way.

That’s one more thing I can be grateful for – my health.  Thank you for persuading me to see the doctor, by the way.  Now I can focus on other areas of my life.  The only negative thing about the physical is that my arm is sore from the Tetanus shot.   Had I gotten that shot the last time I went to the doctor, I wouldn’t be sore now.  Today on Facebook I wrote, “Much of our pain comes from avoiding pain.”

Had I not avoided that pain then, I wouldn’t be having it now.  There is irony on several levels.  The shot that I was so afraid of lasted less than a second and the pain that I was afraid of is really not that unbearable.   These are good lessons and I hope I’ll remember them.  Here are ways I sometimes avoid pain:

·      I don’t clean up after myself.

·      My car is a mess.

·      I don’t always fold my clothes from the dryer.

·      I play online games instead of writing.

·      I don’t go to the dentist.

·      I put off difficult conversations.

·      I don’t engage fully at work.

·      I don’t discipline my kids.

·      I don’t discipline myself.

There are probably other ways, but the idea is clear.  I don’t think I’m alone in avoiding pain.  M. Scott Peck says it’s the leading cause of most people’s neuroses.  That makes sense.  When I’m not living in my truth, I go a little crazy after a while.  Crazy at worst, but unhappy at best.  I remember two summers in a row where it was very clear that I was supposed to do certain things.  It was as clear as if God Himself spoke to me.  He did.  He wasn’t audible, but He was loud and clear.  And for two summers I ignored Him.  And for two summers I was miserable.  I was completely off track.  The second summer I chose to disobey for financial considerations.  Somehow though, despite working two jobs and doing nothing that summer but seeing two movies, I was flat broke by the beginning of September.  To this day I cannot explain that.   It was if my money was gone and forgotten like a bad idea.

The good news about mistakes is we keep getting to make them until we learn our lesson.  Despite the misery of the first two summers I almost ignored God again, once more citing financial concerns for not going on a missionary venture.  Then one night, after two-and-a-half weeks of being miserable, God woke me up in a dream saying, “It will cost you more to stay home than it will to go.”  I woke up sitting straight and sweating.  When I could breathe again, I started making phone calls.  The next week I was gone.

God wanted me in my Purpose.  He didn’t want me to be miserable.  He didn’t cause the misery.  I did.  I caused my own misery.  I’m causing my own misery now by being afraid of losing you, my Muse.  But you’re never going to leave me.   So I’m going to stop being afraid now, because I’m sick and tired of fear.  I’m going to finish this blog and then get work on my radio show.  I’m going to Get Started and Keep Going…and stay on track.