Sometimes I Don't Like Myself

Some days I don’t like myself.  I make too many blunders.  I’m too needy, too fearful, too…ugh!  What then do I do?  I write.  I get back to my true self.  The need, whiney, and fearful self isn’t my true self.  My true self is the man who is sitting here doing his work.  When I am doing my work, my peace come, my true self, returns.   Here’s the other thing.  When I’m doing my work, very little else matters, especially not my blunders and fears.

Healing is one of the gifts we get when we use our gifts.  Some of us may need more healing than others.  That means some of us may need to use our gifts as much as possible, as if our lives depended upon it.  Perhaps they do. My life really does depend on my writing.  I would never kill myself.  But to have a true life, to really live and not just go through the motions, I have to write. 

It is not a coincidence that my life changed dramatically when I met my Muse. 

Steven Pressfield calls it our “work.”  “Sit down and do your work,” he says.  It’s a great admonition.  Except to me, writing is not work.  Being without writing is work.  Being without my Muse is the greatest effort in the world.  But as soon as I sit down and start writing, I feel my cares float away as the nothings they were.  I am soon without fear and without worry.  The plan is going to be fulfilled in the right time and in the right way.  I know this now and all my doubts are gone.  I just have to keep working, waiting, enjoying what I have now.  I feel so blessed.

That’s it then.  That’s one of the secrets of a fulfilling life.  Do that work which is not work.  Do that work which makes you feel refreshed.  Even when you’re in a place where you don’t quite know what’s next, or even what you’re doing now.  Just keep doing it.  Eventually, you’ll know what you’re supposed to be doing.

With regard to knowing what I’m doing I know this much:

·      Except for God, my Muse, and my loved ones, nothing is more important to me than writing. 

·      I am aware that I am in a waiting period.  But it’s not like waiting for a bus or a person.  I have to work while I’m waiting.  This is not a vacation.  The more I work, the less I have to wait.  Eventually I will reach my goal of being able to support myself with my writing.  Maybe.  But until I do, I have to keep writing.

·      Part of my waiting period involves training and honing my craft.  I train myself by reading as much as I can, particularly books about writing.  But (and this is the good news), I’m not limited to that subject or any subject or genre.  I can as much as I want and as widely as I want.  I can become a “lovecat” as TimSanders calls it in his book Love is the Killer App, and use the ideas gained from reading to bless and encourage others.

·      Another part of the waiting period involves finding my “voice.”  What kind of writer do I want to be?  Do I want to write fiction, motivational materials, sports, history, or a little of everything?   I’m leaning towards motivational and autobiographical.  But of course that leads to questions like, “What makes me so special that I should presume my life or ideas are interesting?  Who would read this?  Am I crazy?  I can barely concentrate for more than a minute at a time.  How can I help others?”  (Yes, I recognize these questions as delaying tactics of the Enemy, but that doesn’t make them any less nerve-wracking.)

It all comes down to this:  I need to keep writing.  I need to write every day.  That’s how it is for everyone who has a Purpose.  I need to do this every day.   I need to Get Started and Keep Going…even (and especially) on the days I don’t like myself.