“Happiness
is not a goal; it is a by-product.”
Eleanor Roosevelt
“Happiness comes when your work and words are of benefit to
yourself and others.”
Jack Kornfield
“When
all your desires are distilled;
You will cast just two votes:
To love more,
And be happy.”
Rumi
Recently a friend said to me, “Your
only real mission is to be happy and give others the love that is in your
heart.” That comment gave me
pause. Is that our mission, our
purpose? To be happy and love
others? Yes and no.
A couple of years
ago I damaged a relationship over a misunderstanding. I told a friend that all I wanted to do was work on being
happy. The friend misinterpreted
the comment to mean that I was going to be selfish and act hurtfully towards
others. My friend then told others
and I was treated with indifference among a group of people without ever
knowing why. Eventually someone
told me what had happened. Besides
the unnecessary loss of relationships, what hurt was two incorrect assumptions.
The first
incorrect assumption my friend made was that I was talking about specific
relationships or situations. In
fact, I was talking about my attitude towards life in general. I wanted to stop complaining, stop
being negative and start looking for the good. I wanted to practice more gratitude and less grumbling.
The second, and
more troubling assumption made, was that being happy is the same as being
selfish. I’ve said this
before: “Being happy is often the
most loving and least selfish thing one can do.” When I’m happy, truly happy, I am more, not less, aware of
the needs of others. In fact, it’s
often when I am working to meet the needs of others that I am most happy.
Sometimes, to make
a point, people say, “I’m going to be a little selfish and take care of myself
for a while.” That’s not
selfishness; that’s common sense.
Not taking care of one’s self is actually the more selfish act. I once knew a man who died from
complications from diabetes. He
would often say, before he died, “It’s my body and it’s my business.” Perhaps he didn’t realize the stress,
grief and pain he was causing when he got part of his leg amputated
(twice). Perhaps he didn’t realize
the cost he was incurring with emergency phone calls (this was before the
advent of the cell phone) or when people had to fly out or take time off to go
to his funeral. Taking care of
one’s self often assures us that we will live longer, perhaps, but certainly
better.
Taking care of
one’s self probably helps keep one happier, too. In the past, when I have allowed myself to get rundown, I
was extremely unhappy during those times.
Being unhappy made me self-absorbed and often, unable, to see the needs of others around me. Being unhappy often made me unable to
see past my own unhappiness.
So, yes, it is
part of my life’s mission to be happy.
The thing to remember though is that happiness is not a goal, but a
result. It is a result of the
second part of my friend’s equation.
It is a result of being more loving. While many can (and do) argue that it’s wrong or selfish to
want to be happy, few people will argue that it’s wrong to be more loving. But they go together. The happier I am, the more I love. The more I love, the happier I am.
Is this
simplistic? It’s not always, but
it can be. Sometimes I can be
miserable and still do the loving thing.
Or I can be so happy that I’m oblivious to the needs of others. To be happy and loving at the same time
requires a third factor – to be present in the moment, to be aware of the needs
around me. To be more loving means
to be more present.
Presence combined
with happiness combined with loving kindness is a formidable combination. I can Get Started and Keep Going for a
long time with those three attributes.
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