Cold, Tired and Miserable

“The truth is that our finest moments are most likely to occur 
when we are feeling deeply uncomfortable, unhappy, or unfulfilled. 
For it is only in such moments, propelled by our discomfort, 
that we are likely to step out of our ruts 
and start searching for different ways or truer answers.” 



M. Scott Peck

“If your ship doesn't come in, swim out to it.”

Jonathan Winters

Everything I’ve tried to write today seems like nonsense.  I started a blog this morning and it seemed preachy.  I started another blog tonight and it seemed to be going nowhere.  I’ve let myself get distracted and I can’t seem to hold on to a thought.  So I’m going to sit here and try to write and hope that my third attempt doesn’t feel like garbage.  What I want to do is go to bed. I’ve never felt less like writing in my entire life.  I’m tired and I have nothing to say.  I’m trying to be a professional about this, even if I’m not being paid (yet) for my work. I don’t know if I’m tired or worried about my trip to San Francisco or just feeling stressed out about all my obligations.  This much I know: I don’t feel like writing.  I’m working hard but I’m not getting paid and hardly anyone’s reading.  Still, I am here because I said I would be. 

I don’t mean to complain, but this is the hard part of writing – the griping and moaning that I often do until my Muse gives me something.  I love my Muse, but it’s hard when she’s silent or when she seems so far way.  So I sit here and write hoping that something worthwhile will pour out from my fingers.  Maybe the truth is that I do mean to complain.  Maybe I like complaining.  It’s a lot easier to be negative than positive.  Sometimes I wonder if many of us are more comfortable with the negative because it takes less effort to go downhill. 

The trouble is that I’m afraid of going downhill, literally and figuratively.  When I was about ten years old, I went downhill on my bicycle as fast as I could.  I didn’t see the rock on the sidewalk in time.  The next thing I remember was being in the backseat of a car, bleeding and screaming, telling my mom I was sorry for causing problems.  Then I remember being rushed into emergency.  Then I remember waking up on the couch with my head and face severely swollen.  I don’t remember anything between those three events.  The best thing about the accident was that I got to wear an eye patch, which all the neighborhood kids thought was pretty cool.

Ever since then I’ve been afraid of going downhill.  I’m afraid of going downhill as a writer, too.  When I have nothing to say, it feels like I’m going downhill.  That’s why writing or any form of Purpose feels like a battle sometimes, because I’m going uphill.  It’s hard and it’s cold and lonely.  In The War of Art, Steven Pressfield says that what makes the U.S. Marines special and tougher than the other branches of the military, is that Marines take a perverse delight in being miserable and that they scoff at others.

I don’t like being miserable, but if that’s what it takes to reach my goals, then I can be miserable.  If being miserable is what it takes to reach 500 or get my house on the beach, then that’s what it takes.  I don’t care.  Whatever misery I face won’t equal the misery of being stuck and indecisive for as long as I was.  I’m tired right now and I’d rather sleep, but so what?  I have a destination and I’m not going to get there by missing my writing time. 

I’m probably rambling again, because I’m tired and I’m falling asleep.  If I’m rambling, I don’t care.  I’m going to get this blog done.  Another quote from Pressfield is, “You don’t hear (the amateur) bitching, ‘This f*#@ing trilogy is killing me!’  Instead he doesn’t write his trilogy at all.”

Whatever else I may be, I’m not an amateur.  I may not be getting paid yet, but I’m a professional.  To be a professional, I have to pay my dues.  That’s what I’m doing at this very moment: I’m paying my dues.  I’m doing the work of a writer when it’s cold and dark and I’m tired. 

This is what everyone has to go through to reach his or her goals.  They have to be cold and tired and in the dark sometimes.   Being in the dark means that you can’t see very far in front of you, like the blackout I experienced this morning.  I don’t honestly know if I’m going in the right direction.  At the beginning of the week, I seemed to be getting some extra notice.  New people were reading my blogs and I was even interviewed for an Internet radio show.  But as nice as that was, that’s not my goal.  Those are only some of the results of doing my work. 

My goals are the same and I have a lot of work to do if I’m going to reach them.  I have a lot of reading and writing to do.  I’d rather be doing other things, but the problem is that when I do those other things, I realize that I’d rather be with my Muse more than anything else.  Yes, I’m cold and tired and miserable, but I got this done.  It’s not much but I’m one step closer.  I remembered to Get Started and Keep Going…and now I can go to bed.

Something to Get out of Bed for in the Morning...

“Something to get out of bed for in the morning…”

Earl Nightingale – The Strangest Secret

Today did not go as planned because I overslept and that started the domino effect.  My oversleeping caused stress for me and for those around me.  Ironically, I did not stay up that late last night, but I really want to get some things done tomorrow that didn’t get done today, so I’m going to bed soon.  I’ll admit to a bit of anxiety, because I have a trip coming up this weekend and I have to prepare. 

Tonight I’m choosing to write one blog only and not walk or do a radio show.  After this, I’m going to bed.  It’s not what I prefer, but I want to get up early and have some time before all the obligations hit.  I don’t mind my obligations, but the truth is most of the time I’d be quite content to be in my house near the beach with my Muse and a lily nearby.  I’d listen to quiet calming music and I’d write.  I wouldn’t rush.  I wouldn’t be late or make anyone else late and, most importantly, I wouldn’t cause stress for others or for me.

Just sitting here and writing is calming me down.  As an auditory reminder of my house near the beach, I’m listening to music that is accompanied by ocean sounds.  So here’s what I want to do tomorrow.

1.     Get up early, no later than 5:00 a.m.

2.     Do my radio show.

3.     Write for at least a little while.

In addition there is some paperwork I need to finish and an appointment at 1:00.  I’m already feeling a little stressed.  Here’s the thing that will keep me calm.  I need to remember the following so that I have a nice day.

·      Good or bad, tomorrow is just one day.

·      I don’t have to get everything done, but there are two or three things that, if accomplished, will relieve my stress greatly.

·      Eat a good breakfast.

·      Be on time.

So that’s it.  This probably isn’t much of a blog, but that’s okay.  At least I’m getting one written.  That makes me happy.  Something else that made me happy today was mailing a package at the post office.   That may sound silly.  It was a small task, but I got it done.  All the stress I was feeling before mailing the package vanished.  It felt like a weight lifted from me.  I got something tangible accomplished.  So I want to accomplish some tangible things tomorrow.  Just two or three things.  Then I’ll feel better.

I will Get Started and Keep Going.  It will be something to get out of bed for in the morning…the early morning.

When I Was 13 Years Old

When I was 13 years old, I lived in Indiana for about five months with my mom and my three brothers at my grandparents’ house.  They lived on a farm and they had two or three cows and they grew corn.  We had just left Japan where we had lived for about 4½ years.  We went to Indiana was so that my mom could see her family and the family could see my brother Kerry who was about two at the time.  Our stay there was temporary and then my dad would meet us at the end of the year and we would drive to California.

Living on a farm was an interesting experience.  It was big and there were lots of places to walk, but it was also lonely.  There were no stores within walking distance and I didn’t know any other kids yet, except for Uncle Ray and Aunt Judy and my cousins Tammy and Robert who lived in the house next to us, about a quarter of a mile away.  Because we were all young, and because everyone was younger than me, I didn’t care much for my cousins at the time.  Every other weekend we would go to Chicago and spend the night at my Uncle Roger and Aunt Marie’s house.  They had five kids at the time and with my three brothers and me, that was nine kids.  Though it was better than being in the country, because at least we could walk to a store, it was overwhelming because of the number of people. 

The worst part about being in Indiana was not being able to go anywhere on my own.  In Japan, we lived on a military base and I was pretty free to roam where I wanted.  Best of all, there were two places I could go to buy comic books.  I preferred to walk and I would do so happily for hours, usually alone.  Sometimes I’d ride my bicycle.  Either way I had mobility and freedom.  In Indiana I had neither.   Worse, there was nowhere to get comic books.  Occasionally however, my grandparents or my mom would go the Rexall’s Drugstore in a nearby town and this store had comic books!  I was usually allowed to purchase one or two, so I was quite happy. 

We arrived in Indiana on August 8, 1973.  I remember this because the very next day was my brother Jimmy’s birthday.  That evening we had fresh corn from my grandfather’s field.  Summer was beautiful in the Midwest, especially on a farm when one is eating fresh corn-on-the-cob with melted butter.  So that was my summer.  Midwestern food, nowhere to go, biweekly visits to relatives in Chicago and the occasional new comic books. 

School started on Tuesday, September 4, the day after Labor Day.  That’s how it was done in the Midwest and in much of the country. North Newton High School was one large building and we never went outside, except for P.E.  It was a new school with a swimming pool and other amenities. Unlike my previous school, where each class had a different combination of students, this school kept classes together for the whole day.  We were class 2B.  Mrs. Newton was our homeroom teacher.  Mrs. Storey was our math teacher.  Mr. Davis taught science and my favorite teacher, Orland Eck, taught U.S. History.

For the tenth time in my life, 8^th grade now, I was the new kid at school.  Usually that was a little traumatic, but I fit in pretty quickly.   Most of the kids were nice and everyone got along fairly well.  Most of the teachers were nice, too, though they were allowed to administer corporal punishment.  I received this, three swats with a paddle from Mr. Gregory, for being late three times to study hall.  The other odd thing about the school was that every single person there, except for one African-American student, was white.  Coming from a school with a 40% African-American population and 20% Asian population, that just seemed odd.

Other than the paddling, the lack of diversity and having the flu one day, my four months at North Newton were good.  Four months.   I was on my way to being the new kid in school for the eleventh time.  Our time in Indiana was temporary.  On my last day, Class 2B threw me a surprise party.  I’d never been given a party before and that was one of the nicest moments of my life.  It was one of the first times I remember feeling special and loved by a group of my peers.  That was the last day of school, because the Christmas break was coming.  My dad joined us from Japan and soon we would leave for California.

But that’s another story.

What does this autobiographical information have to do with my usual blogs or with Purpose?   Inherent in my Purpose is writing.  It doesn’t matter what I write, as long as I do my best.  Also inherent in Purpose are fun and healing.  I find writing about my past to be both.   It was fun to do something different and though I don’t have many painful memories of those times, it’s healing to revisit, like smelling flowers.  It heals my soul.  It helps me to Get Started and Keep Going…even to the past sometimes.

Rambling On...

I’m really happy to be here this morning even though I can’t think of anything to write.  So I’m just going to keep moving my fingers until my Muse gives me something.  I was interviewed on an Internet radio show this morning and that was fun. Somebody I’ve never met had heard my radio shows and wanted to interview me.  It was fun.  Now it’s over and I have to get back to work.  I have two blogs and one radio show of my own to do.  In addition, I have some reading to do.  I also have some personal things to attend to.  But first, I need to write.

Writing has to be a priority for me or I won’t get it done.  That’s true of anything I want to do.  If I don’t make it a priority, I won’t get it done.  My conditions aren’t optimal.  I have other things to do.  I would prefer to have uninterrupted time with my Muse, but I will take what I can get.  I want quantity and quality.  They go together. So for the next few minutes, I’ll just sit here and work.  I will keep busy and stayed focused.

It’s interesting how much I berate myself for my lack of focus and my ADHD.  The truth is that I’ve accomplished a lot, in the last year and in my life.  So I’m doing something right.  It’s better to stop focusing on what is going wrong and focus and what is going well.

There are many good things in my life.  Here are the things that are going well:

·      I’ve written over 400 blogs in just over a year.

·      I’m healthy.

·      People love me.

·      My Muse loves me.

·      My car runs.

·      I have a great job.

·      I’m able to help a lot of people.

·      The weather is good.

·      I’ve been able to change or at least manage some of my less desirable habits in order to write.

·      My work seems to be getting a little more notice.

·      There are many exciting things to learn.

·      I have people who help me and give me wisdom.

·      I can choose my emotions.  

·      I have a nice place to live.

·      I have certain gifts that are a blessing to me and to others.

·      I have a great sense of humor.

·      I have a keen analytical mind.

·      I’m a good public speaker.

·      I’ve been able to travel.

·      I have goals.

I feel I have a long way to go, but maybe I don’t.  Maybe I’ve come a long way. Either way, I’m not stopping.  There’s always one more step I can take.   I can always Get Started and Keep Going.  I feel like I just rambled on this blog.  Maybe I did, but I got it done.  That’s one more good thing in my life.

"It Is Good to Praise the Lord..."

“It is good to praise the Lord…”

Psalm 92:1a

What a simple but powerful sentence.  “It is good to praise the Lord…”  Nothing political or even religious.  Just an idea.  A suggestion.  A discipline and a practice that might make my day better.  Something that might make me happy and peaceful.  Something to keep me present and grateful.  Something simple.

Very few things in life seem simple.  With regard to my spiritual journey, my faith once seemed simple and straightforward.  I had problems and questions, but most things seemed black-and-white.  My belief was that if I were just faithful then the answers would be clear, if not always good, and if I were unfaithful, then that also was clear. Then I hit the inevitable spiritual crisis. 

I say “inevitable” not to be negative, but to state that growth usually causes or is caused by a crisis, a milestone or a change and these are rarely easy.  In my mind, however, the transition should be relatively short-lived (maybe a few months or even a few years at the most, like puberty) and then I would arrive at a new level of spiritual knowledge or understanding.  But my spiritual crisis has gone on for years.

I’m not going to share the specifics of my particular crisis.   I’m not even sure what my questions are.  All I can say is that things are rarely simple.  I’m not asking for easy, but simple would be nice.  For example, I once worked with a job-searching client.  He hadn’t had any luck in his job search for months and in despair he went to see a pastor.  The pastor said, “Your problem is that you haven’t been walking with God.  You need to renew your faith.”

So the man started reading the Bible again, something he admittedly hadn’t done for a long time…and the next day he got a job.  When I heard this I felt like Charlie Brown when he said, “Aaaaaaaaaarrrrgggh!!!!”

It’s not that I wasn’t happy for him.  What bothered me was the simplistic and formulaic answer to a painful problem.  What of all those who read the Bible regularly and still struggle with unemployment, ill health, ongoing personal troubles, financial struggles or spiritual crises?  A friend told me it disturbs her when she sees the news reports of a neighborhood fire in which all but one of the houses is gutted.  The man’s whose house was spared will say, “God was faithful.” 

Again: “Aaaaaaaaaarrrrgggh!!!!”

Does that mean God was unfaithful to the rest of the neighborhood?  Was He mad at them?  Was He punishing them?  Was the man whose home was spared especially-favored by God over that of his neighbors? 

My problem, as I said, is with simplistic and formulaic answers, because they seem to lack justice and fairness.  By definition, they judge others directly or indirectly.  They leave some people in the club and everyone else out, and one can only gain admission by subscribing to group norms. To be “in the club” I must fully and completely subscribe to a particular line of thought.  In the book of Job, Job’s friends told him that the reason he was suffering so much was because there must have been some sin in his life and if he would just confess and repent, things would be good again.  Hundreds of years later, many people still think the same.

Nor is this way of thinking restricted to spiritual beliefs.  Political discussions are usually anything but politic.  They’re full of anger and venom.  As much as I’d like to excoriate my Republican friends for shortsightedness and an unwillingness to listen, I remember how embarrassed I was when two of my Democrat friends savaged a Republican friend during a Facebook discussion.  I apologized to my Republican friend who was far more gracious.  Though I disagreed with him politically, he was right because of the way he handled himself. 

The black-and-white, us-vs-them mentality is everywhere.  On a comic book fan page on Facebook were over a hundred comments on who contributed more to Marvel Comics, Stan Lee or Jack Kirby.  Name-calling and vitriol ensued.  In an education program I was in, there was this sense that we, as new teachers, had all the answers and our job was to go and correct all the experienced teachers who just didn’t know any better.  It goes on and on.  Everyone believes they have the answers.

I think it’s dangerous, very dangerous, to believe that any one person, system or faith has all the answers to everything.  Though I’ve often wished otherwise, I believe that ambiguity and uncertainty are gifts from God.  They cause us to grow, to search, to discover and learn.  They make life harder, but they make life more interesting as well.  When I admit I don’t know or that I could be wrong, I become humble, human, more lovable and more loving.  For that reason alone, I believe God allows complexity.  If I am not growing, I am either dying or dead.  If I am asking questions and struggling, then I am fully alive.  It can be painful, but at least I’m alive, and this pain will not kill me.

At the risk of self-contradiction, I believe that life is simple for some.  Maybe the unemployed man did need to get back to God and perhaps unemployment was God’s way of getting his attention.  Maybe the man whose house was spared from the fire was now given the responsibility to care for his neighbors.  Maybe he wasn’t spared, but given a different kind of test.  Even the simple answers may not be so simple. 

So it is good to praise the Lord, because He is good.   Life is a journey and an adventure, which is a privilege.  I’ve been given an open mind, which is also a privilege.   It must, however, come with an open heart.  When I praise the Lord, when I am grateful and present and peaceful, life is simple.   I’m focused on the joy and the privilege of the moment, of the gifts God has given me.  I can Get Started and Keep Going.   

400

This is my 400^th blog.  I’ve actually already written another blog which I will publish later, but it seems that 400 is a number worth noting and celebrating.  Really, 400 is an arbitrary number, like the year 2000 that was so celebrated and feared.  To quote the character Dogbert in the Dilbert comic strip by Scott Adams, “It’s b-i-i-i-g and it’s r-o-o-und.” 

So 400 is nothing to celebrate.  Yet it is.  It represents hours of work, commitment and thought.  It represents emotional and spiritual growth.   It represents the most consistent amount of self-discipline I’ve ever demonstrated in my life.  A mark of maturity is action.  We know a child is more mature when he or she can walk or not need a diaper.  But maturity is also demonstrated by self-control, kindness, responsibility and changed behavior.  Writing 400 blogs has matured me.  When I reach 500, I hope I will be even more mature.

One of the definitions of “mature” in www.dictionary.com is “fully developed in body or mind.”

I’m neither.  My body needs work and my mind is always developing.  This is preferable.  It means I am growing and alive.  It’s wonderful and frightening and exhausting and invigorating.  Even as a writer, I’m maturing.  I’m still trying to find my own voice.  I’m still trying to find the most heartfelt and effective way to express myself.   It was once the custom for earlier writers to preface their work with an apology for their faults as a writer and a human being.  I understand this.  Despite my faults, I’m still writing.  I’m writing every day.  That’s maturity.

 Maturity is not completion, however.  Fortunately, the goal is not completion, but growth.  It’s said that the journey is more important than the destination.  They’re both important, but in writing there is no destination.  There are just markers.  Today’s marker is 400.  The next marker is 500, or more accurately, 401.  I’m never going to stop.  I’m never going to arrive.  While the journey may take effort, I’m never going to tire of this.  If I do, I will still Get Started and Keep Going.

The Inmost Thoughts

“Just keep your conscious mind busy with expectation of the best.”

“All of us have our own inner fears, beliefs, opinions. These inner assumptions rule and govern our lives. A suggestion has no power in and of itself.  Its power arises from the fact that you accept it mentally.”

“The way to get rid of darkness is with light; the way to overcome cold is with heat; the way to overcome the negative thought is to substitute the good thought. Affirm the good, and the bad will vanish."

Joseph Murphy, The Power of Your Subconscious Mind

Something interesting but disturbing happened today.  I was challenged to share some facts about myself that were not common knowledge, that is, not on my blog.  As I began thinking about my life and my past, I realized most of my thoughts went to the negative events of my life.  More disturbing is even when my thoughts were positive, I quickly put a negative spin on them, or replaced them with something negative.  This was not just disturbing; it was frightening.  I was forced to consider the following questions:

·      Am I negative person?

·      Am I a deeply negative person?

·      If I am, how does this affect me?

·      How does it affect my work?

·      How does it affect my relationships?

What makes this so disturbing is that I see myself as a positive person.  My job is to motivate people so that they will learn English or get jobs.  I write a motivational blog.  I’ve written a book of a few hundred original motivational sayings.  I’ve given hundreds of motivational talks.  I even avoid watching and listening to sad songs.  So what am I missing?

To illustrate the gravity of this situation, imagine that I were a fireman who had pyrophobia, a musician who couldn’t read music, a cook who couldn’t stand the smell of food or a speaker with chronic laryngitis.  I could still do my job, but I would be severely limited.  Am I motivational speaker who is secretly a pessimist?  Have I been limiting myself?  I know how to speak well, but in my deepest heart of hearts, do I believe everything I’m writing and saying?

I’ve been reading The Power of Your Subconscious Mind by Joseph Murphy.  Dr. Murphy says that much of what happens and doesn’t happen is due to our subconscious thinking.  “Think good and good follows; think evil and evil follows,” he says.

My life is not where I want it to be.  It’s also much better than it was.  Are both of these the result of the way I think in my deepest thoughts?  Can I change the way I think in my deepest thoughts?  I haven’t read enough of the book to comment on it, but I’ve read enough to know this:

·      I can pray every time a negative thought appears.

·      I can control my thoughts.

·      I can direct my thinking.

·      I can practice gratitude.

·      I can turn fearful thoughts over to God.

·      I can tap on negative thoughts.

·      I can apply “The Work” to negative thoughts.

I have a lot of options.  From past experience, I know that I can visualize positive outcomes.  I can plan for the positive.  I can act as if all positive outcomes were certain or even here right now.

There’s more to say and study about this topic.  I’m looking forward to changing the way I think and seeing what positive changes occur.   Despite my troubles, my life has been very good and I’m very blessed.  I want my deepest thoughts to reflect this reality.  I want to Get Started and Keep Going with a much more positive outlook and a much more positive inner orientation.  And I want to start now.