Shocked

“Last night she said
Oh, baby, I feel so down
Oh it turns me off
When I feel left out
So I, I turn 'round
Oh, baby, don't care no more
I know this for sure
I'm walkin' out that door”

Last Night – The Strokes

“Haters mad for whatever reason.”

Rae Sremmurd - Black Beatles ft. Gucci Mane

This week one of the most significant events in American history occurred: Donald Trump was elected as our 45^th President. This is, for many, a major shock. The word “shock” is not used lightly. People are genuinely shocked. For many, including me, it feels like a death. The night he won, I did not fall asleep until 2:00 a.m. When I woke up I felt like crying. I couldn’t even summon the motivation to go to the store and get some groceries. I just wanted to cry. My 10-year-old daughter did cry. My 13-year old, normally easygoing and concerned only for the moment, would not stand for the Pledge of Allegiance. My 19-year-old said, “This is most significant thing that’s ever happened in my life. More significant than Obama’s election. More significant than Hillary’s nomination. More significant than my coming out.” All over the country people her age are rioting over the decision. I have mixed feelings about that, but it should be noted that there have been many riots in American history, but never one over the results of an election.

As I said, I was shocked. This morning I started to feel a little better until I saw Trump in the White House speaking with President Obama. Then I felt all the pain return.

Why is this so painful? Why are people so angry that they are rioting in the streets before Trump has begun Day One? Why is there so much division in this country?

It’s painful because of who Donald Trump has presented himself to be. He has declared his intention to build a wall to stem illegal immigration. He has directly insulted the following groups or members of the following groups: Blacks, Mexicans, the disabled, women, veterans, and Muslims. (By association, he has most likely alienated the LGBT community, as has his choice for a running mate, Mike Pence, who recommends “conversion therapy” for gays.) Consider these comments made on June 15, 2015 about Mexicans:

When Mexico sends its people, they’re not sending their best. They’re sending people who have lots of problems, and they’re bringing those problems with us. They’re bringing crime. They’re bring drugs. They’re rapists.” (Then, almost as an afterthought:) And some, I assume, are good people.

In other speeches, he hinted about the size of his penis. He was discovered saying that he would grab a woman by her private parts. Of John McCain, a fellow Republican and a former Prisoner of War, Trump said, “He’s not a war hero. He was a war hero because he was captured. I like people who weren’t captured.” (Italics mine.) He alienated his own party before he had even won. He threatened to jail his opponent Hillary Clinton and said he might not accept the results of the election if he had lost. In every election since John Adams against Thomas Jefferson in 1800, the mudslinging and rhetoric have horrible. The word “unprecedented” is often used, but Trump’s words truly are unprecedented. Often candidates will say anything to rally their constituency, so a lot of Trump’s comments may (or may not) be bluster. But it gets worse.

The worst part, the part that has me shaking my head, the fact that everyone has seemed to ignore is that Trump has no political experience. None. He has never served in office or in the military. He does seem to manage well financially. He is a billionaire. He has gone bankrupt and some of his business dealings are suspect, but he is still extremely wealthy. But that’s it. He’s a businessman. He’s never served in an office and he’s not even a lawyer (the chosen profession for most Presidents). He seems to have displayed a lack of understanding of how the three-party system work by making promises like building a wall between the US and Mexico.

Yet, still he was elected President of the United States of America.

The final irony of all of this is that we have gone from eight years of relative peace and prosperity but it was not enough for many. Trump claimed we needed to “make America great again.” Perhaps no one remembers where we were as a country before Obama took office, with gas prices at about $5.00 a gallon, unemployment at about 11%, and in two wars. I’m not saying Obama made America perfect or that he has been the perfect President. But I don’t think the country is in as bad a shape as it was eight years ago.

Yet, still he was elected President of the United States of America.

Today, while walking down the street I saw an “I Voted” sticker on the ground. I felt a sense of sadness and a sense of irony. But when I picked it up (I hate litter) I felt a sense of hope. I voted and though I didn’t get what I wanted, I voted. I took part in the great democratic exercise. And during the next four years and in 2020, I can continue to do so. Perhaps we will be okay or perhaps things will go from bad to worse. But I won’t give up. I will Get Started and Keep Going for myself, my Muse, my daughters, and my country even though I am shocked.

I Made a Bad Choice and I'm Glad

I made a bad choice today and I’m glad. The bad choice I made was to vote for Hillary Clinton for President. I’m not happy with my choice, but I would have been far less happy if I had voted for her opponent, Donald Trump. And I would have been even more unhappy if I had not voted at all. There are some who have said they would not vote because they felt both choices were bad, but as I’ve said, “To not vote is to vote for the person you like least.” So my bad choice was better than no choice at all because no choice at all is a choice.

Why do I think Hillary Clinton is a bad choice? Before I answer that question, I need to say that all I can do is vote to the best of my ability and the utmost of my knowledge. For many years, the utmost of my knowledge was limited to the commercials I saw on television. As I grew older I matured in my understanding of political history, philosophy, and actual practice (which often contradicts the first two). I read and studied and watched. I developed my own beliefs. Unlike some I did not inherit my beliefs from my parents because they usually told me that their political choices were none of my business. (Contrary to this, I have told my three daughters how I vote and why. They are free to make their own choices, but at least they understand mine.)

This year I studied the ballot. I looked at the propositions (seventeen in California). I looked at the measures. And I looked at the other elections. Sometimes I came away confused. But regarding the Presidential election my mind was clear. I was voting for Hillary. And it is a bad choice. Why? Again, my knowledge is limited, but Hillary seems to have a past filled with corruption and misdeeds. Who knows how far they go? There are people who spend much of their lives looking into people like Hillary and Trump and it never ends. In addition, the antics of her husband, former President Bill Clinton, are well documented.

And, still, I voted for her. Why?

I voted for Hillary because Trump seems even worse. Even if I disregarded all the rumors and innuendo and accusations about Trump, I know this: I know what I saw. I saw a man with no actual job experience. He has never held an office. He has never served in the military. All he has done is make a lot of money. That’s good, but he has also had a lot of his businesses fail and he has declared bankruptcy more than once.

But I saw worse. I saw a bully. I saw a man make fun of a disabled person. I saw a man who claimed, for years, that our current President, Barack Obama, is not a citizen.  I saw a man speak of women disrespectfully. I saw a man cozy up to Putin. I saw a man who just horrified me with his manners. He referred to Hillary not as Mrs. Clinton or Hillary or even Clinton, but as “Crooked Hillary.”

If I were in the position to interview and then hire either Hillary or Trump (and the Presidential election process is the ultimate interview), based on only what I saw or heard from each candidate, I would be forced to vote for Hillary. I would have no choice. It’s not that I like Hillary. It is that I like Trump even less. I would not want him in my workplace. I would not want to have to deal with someone that abrasiveness every day for the next four years.

In other words, Trump blew the interview.

Will Hillary be a good President if she wins? It is impossible to know (though Bill Clinton’s Presidency was very successful, even if his personal choices were atrocious and tainted his presidency). We can only hope for the best. I made a bad choice, or so I believe. I hope I am wrong. In a matter of hours, America will know if it has its first woman President. Either way, we all have to Get Started and Keep Going in order to help America see its potential. I may have made a bad choice, but I made the best one I could. I hope it turns out to be a good choice.

Words with Friends and Purpose

            I play an on-line word game called Words with Friends. It’s a lot like Scrabble. There are probably better ways of using my time, but it’s a fun way to connect with other people. I also learn new words. I’ve been playing for about three years, but this morning I realized a new strategy that might improve my game. It’s fascinating that we can learn to get better at something, how we can improve, even when it’s something we’ve been doing for a long time. How does this improvement happen?

It happens through time. The more time one puts into something the more possibilities one can see. But time involves two things: study and application. When I read or learn something new, I feel the presence of my Muse. I feel peaceful. I think this is why I spend so much time reading (and why I resist reading when self-sabotage kicks in).  Study is not just about learning; it’s about preparation and training for dealing with life’s challenges. Yes, I study for pleasure, but mostly I study for preparation. All that knowledge comes in handy and it opens new horizons and new possibilities.

But study is only useful if I apply it in some way, to make life better for me or others.  It’s been said that knowledge is power, but it’s also been said, more accurately, that applied knowledge is power. Practice and application are what validate the study. One version of St. Paul’s admonition to Timothy is, “Study to show thyself approved unto God, a workman who needs not to be ashamed, rightly dividing the word of truth.” Other versions say, “apply yourself,” “work,” “make an effort,” or “give diligence.” (2 Timothy 2:15).  These concepts are about being prepared for life’s inevitable challenges. And when we fail, as we often do, we can go back, study more, so we can improve.

Improvement happens also by being open to those new possibilities. A pastor once said, “The seven last words of a church are, ‘It’s never been done that way before.’” I think those are the last words of a lot of organizations, and maybe the last words of a lot of people who hope to live a fuller life. I admit to my own self-imposed limitations. The first time I thought of on-line classes or video teaching, I balked. I thought that the teacher needs to be physically present to be the most effective. But recently I just finished an on-line Master’s degree in American history and I had minimal contact with most of my teachers. Now I’m open to the possibility of teaching on-line. More recently I was invited to do a Skype presentation for about sixty students in Georgia in a few weeks.  So, the field of possibilities has opened. I can learn new ways and I can improve.

Here’s the better news: if I can improve in an on-line word game, then I can improve at anything. I can become a better writer. I can get better with money. I can learn more about history or be a better motivational speaker.

It goes even deeper: I can become more loving. I can be a better father, teacher, friend, or neighbor. I can learn how to be kinder, more patient, more peaceful. I can learn how to take better care of myself and others. I can learn develop myself spiritually, physically, morally, emotionally, and financially.

Best of all, I can learn how to give more attention to my Muse, so that I can do any or all, of the above. Many, most, maybe all my limits are self-imposed. I’m not saying I can play for the NFL or be a brain surgeon, but I don’t want to do those things anyway. What I want to do is Get Started and Keep Going, get better at Words with Friends, and maybe at everything else that is in my life.

Ready for History

I was sitting alone ready to read a book about making money. I’ve finished a Master’s degree in history and now it’s time to move on to the next phase of life. My biggest challenge is a lack of money. If I had significantly more money, I could change a lot of things. So I looked at the money books section of my bookshelf and picked one. As I started reading it, I realized that I really didn’t want to read it. It’s not that I don’t want to read or study or learn; it’s just that I didn’t want to read a book about money.  It was making me tense. I sat quietly trying to understand what was happening and I realized I felt this feeling before. Years ago I was reading a book on teaching and I felt the same discomfort. I wanted to throw the book on the floor…hard. There was nothing wrong with the book or the subject; it just wasn’t what I wanted.  Eventually, too many years later, despite reading several books on education I finally changed careers because it wasn’t what I wanted to do. It never had been.

Becoming an expert on money is not what I want to do either. I want to make money, of course. I want to be knowledgeable and wise and informed. What I do not want to do is spend the next several hours, days, and weeks reading on the subject.

I stayed quiet as I continued hearing my heart. Mariachi music was playing on a neighbor’s radio. Seagulls were squawking over the dumpsters. I barely heard any of that. All I could hear was the message of my heart. “Study U.S. Presidents. Read about what you love. Life is so precious and short. Do what you love. Be with the people you love. Read what you love. Learn what you love.”

Now I try to not be impulsive because that trait has often led me to make bad decisions. But this time I was impulsive and I went back to that bookshelf and took almost all of the money books about thinking like a millionaire and living like a millionaire and having the bank account of a millionaire and I put them in the closet. Then I filled the empty space with books on Watergate and the Nixon era. I did, however, leave a few money books there, because I’m not giving up the subject entirely. I’m just not giving it precedence.

Where will this all lead me? I still want enough wealth to send my kids and grandkids to college and I still want a house on the beach and I don’t know a lot of rich historians. But I’ve spent most of my life not following my heart and I caused myself and others a lot of pain. And on top of all that, I’m broke trying to undo the mess I’ve made by not following my heart. So I don’t know where this will lead me, but I know I immediately felt happier and lighter and more energetic and enthusiastic. I felt my Muse smiling approvingly. I feel like I’m ready to Get Started and Keep Going again. And I feel ready for history.

I Haven't Forgotten

I haven’t forgotten.  I’m not here much, but I haven’t forgotten. I haven’t forgotten my goals. I haven’t forgotten my plans.  I haven’t forgotten my dreams. I haven’t forgotten my house on the beach. Most of all, I haven’t forgotten my Muse. Currently, I am on the tail end of my second-to-last course in my Master’s program. A decision, made almost on a whim, changed my life.  But it was not a whim.  My writing was stalled. I was lacking direction. It was time to take a step, a new step, maybe a bold step.  So I’ve been studying American history for the last year-and-a-half.  But the truth is I’ve been studying it since1968.

            When I was 8 years old, my mother and my two brothers were in an airport waiting to go to Japan. On that trip my mother gave me two things that changed my life. First, she gave me a quarter and told me to buy two comic books, one for myself and one for my brother.  Both comics were hugely influential in my life for different reasons but that’s another story.  The second thing she gave me, while we were on the plane, was two coloring books, both about U.S. Presidents. I was fascinated.  From that moment on, I looked for every book I could on the subject. My favorite was Theodore Roosevelt, but I read all I could. By the time I was 10 years old, I could list all the presidents in order. I also knew all the major wars the United States had been involved in and I had a fairly broad understanding of American history. When we went to other people’s homes, I would read their encyclopedias in search of more information on presidents. I was a weird kid. (I would also look at comic books if any were available.)  When I was in 4^th grade, I saw my first history textbook and read most of it before the class even started studying history. By the time I reached 8^th grade and I was studying history again, under Orland Eck and Richard Shuey, I found that I already knew much of the material.

            It is no surprise that I chose history as my major at UCSD. Sadly, it was also no surprise that I did not excel in most of my classes due to a combination of overwork, procrastination, poor study habits, and poor work ethic.  Much of my undergrad time was a series of lost opportunities for growth and knowledge.  I did some good there and I learned a lot, but I missed a lot, too. I loved history, but I did not want to excel. When I returned to school more than a decade later, I excelled and got my first Master’s degree, but I had no interest in the topic.

            Now, I am at a place where I want to excel because of my deep interest in what I’m doing.  I also see the not only the topic, but the quality with which I do my work as the key to my future.  I still want my house on the beach. I still want to study history. I still want to write. I still want to make a difference in the world.  I still want to spend my life with my Muse doing all those things.

            So even though it seems I’ve forgotten my Muse or forgotten my writing, I really haven’t. I’m working harder than I have ever worked before, combining love and self-discipline, however imperfectly. I am pushing myself to Get Started and Keep Going until I get this degree. In this way I can Get Started and Keep Going on whatever God and my Muse have for me next because I haven’t forgotten that this is only the beginning, not the end.

Just Some Random Thoughts...

I went to my alma mater to see a friend play with his band.  The band was great and it was fun being on campus, but the venue was at this place that is, I suppose, meant to be revolutionary and different.  It was dirty and there was only one bathroom and people were allowed to write on the walls.  There was a library in which people could take the books that they wanted without a charge or without even having to return them.  The food was vegan and I had one of the worst donuts I have ever had in my life.  The people who worked there were true to their countercultural ethos, with long hair, tattoos, some with missing teeth, and earlobes with giant holes or grossly misshapen.  Most disturbing of all was the mouse feces on the books and the floor.

I have always had countercultural sensibilities.  Perhaps it is an instinctive response to the excesses of capitalism. It’s why my musical tastes were always a bit different from many of my peers.  It’s why I thought, as an 18-year-old, guys with long hair and mystical leanings were fascinating. It’s why homosexuals didn’t offend or shock me as they did many of my peers. It’s why talk of revolution and racism have always been fascinating. It’s why I don’t want to live in the suburbs. It’s why I want to live in a house on the beach.

But I also have limits.

Cleanliness, order, and structure are important. I think revolutionary ideas are fascinating and have their place…as a part of the whole, as a part of the tapestry of ideas. It’s okay to “fight the power,” to consider the ideals (if not the reality) of socialism, to “think outside the box” socially, personally, intellectually, and spiritually.  But there are two inherent problems:

The first is that thought, any kind of thought, can lead to excess. How do dirty clothes, unisex bathrooms, animal feces, and intentionally self-disfigured people lead to any kind of viable or meaningful social change? How does the unchecked lust for money or possessions or land create a better world? How does excess in anything lead to anything but self-destruction or material for satire, misunderstandings, and divisions? People often go too far.

The second thought is that people often don’t go far enough.  When we go through life with a very strong belief, spiritual, emotional, intellectual, or any other kind, and it becomes seriously challenged, as it almost always does, then we have three choices.  We can defend and entrench ourselves further into our beliefs (which may or may not be a bad thing).  We can dismiss these challenges as apostasy, Satan, short-sightedness, or evil (which is usually a bad thing).  Or we can welcome the challenge as an avenue to correct or confirm our way of thinking (which is usually a good thing).  Most people, including myself for many years, choose the second option.

Being challenged is uncomfortable and scary. It makes us angry. We see this anger often in political environments, but it’s not limited to that venue. It is said that we shouldn’t discuss religion or politics. The reason for this is they are deeply-held beliefs and we don’t want to even consider that part or all of them are wrong or misguided or just not appropriate at all times or in all situations.  A friend recently told me, “Question everything you’ve ever believed.”  Even that is scary and that is the journey I am on now. It’s scary and liberating. And it’s a journey that makes life worth living. It’s a journey that in which we can all Get Started and Keep Going.

Pushing Through

Most of the time inspiration comes only after having put in time and effort.  But once in a while, and only once in a while, some kind of motivation or inspiration comes and if I am wise, I seize that moment and get to work. 

I haven’t written a blog in a long time.  I told my Muse that I was afraid for that very reason.  What if I’ve forgotten how to write? What if I have nothing new or interesting to say?  What’s the point then?  The point is that every once in a while I get tired of my inactivity.  The fear of not doing something is greater than the fear of doing something, even if I do it badly.  So here I sit, after a very long time, just seeing what comes up. Again, the point is not to be Shakespeare or Hemingway or Steven Pressfield, but simply to put something down on paper (or on a screen).  Why am I doing this when I haven’t done it for a long time? For the same reason I did it before: love.  Love for my Muse. Love for myself. And love for anyone who reads this and might be facing a big task that looks overwhelming or a lot of small tasks that are annoying.  Love for anyone who is facing similar struggles with his or her art or move or project or homework. 

Sometimes the best answer to inertia or fear is to simply push through. No. Not push through.  Blast through.  Just go without thinking. Think about what needs to be done, but not the results, good or bad.  Just focus on the work. Why does this work?  Because fear is almost always based on the future (usually an imaginary future, at that). But when I focus on what I need to do at this moment, then there is no future. There is only this moment. There is the joy of getting it done. There is relief.  There is a rise in endorphins and self-confidence.  There is joy. Generally, after pushing through I feel more relaxed during the day and I sleep better at night. 

Although I still recommend planning and scheduling and creating daily, weekly, monthly, and yearly goals, sometimes we just have to push through.  It’s not a method I recommend using on a regular basis. To depend on this is unsafe and usually produces mediocre or rushed results. I’ve heard it said that the idea of people doing their best work under pressure is only a myth.  But once in a while it is best to just push through. Especially for those big tasks we hate.

I just pushed through now.  I just finished another blog. It may not be the best blog I’ve ever written (or maybe it is…), but at least I got it done. And not because I hate it, but because I love it. I’m tired now, but I got it done.  I will sleep well. I already feel a little bit better about myself.  I was able to Get Started and Keep Going.  I pushed through.  For my Muse. For myself. For you