Fear Itself

“Fear defeats more people than any other one thing in the world.”

Ralph Waldo Emerson

“Fear is never a reason for quitting; it is only an excuse.”

Norman Vincent Peale

I was feeling fear last night, more than usual.  Before I started writing, I picked up a book near me called, Do It!  Let’s Get Off Our Buts by Peter McWilliams and I read this:

Fear often forces us to let go of irrelevancies.  We automatically focus on what’s most important, “and let the rest of the world go by.”  When in a new situation, we want to focus on what’s central, what’s significant.  Fear drives thoughts about whether or not grapefruit will be on sale right out of our awareness.

Fear, like many negative or “limiting” emotions can be a tool to help us focus.  I need to focus.  It is February and there are only seven months until September.  I have goals posted on my wall that I have to work on.  More than ever I want my house by the beach.  I need to get my financial life in order.  There are things in my life I need to complete.  There are thing I need to do. 

My hope is that I can use my fear as adrenaline.  I used to do stand-up comedy.  My first night, on an “open-mic” night, was scary, but I did well.  I did so well in fact that after performing for 15 minutes, the manager, who didn’t crack a smile the whole time, told me to keep going.  I did.  Finally I stopped and the manager told me to follow her to her office.  In the tiny, cluttered space that was her office she pulled out a calendar and said, “This is February.  Can you be ready to do a 90-minute show in May?”

I don’t remember my reaction at that moment.  I may have thought that I misunderstood.  Why would she offer me a 90-minute show after one performance?  Who does that?  Apparently she did, because that’s what happened.  So every two weeks I went back to the open-mic and I practiced.  Some nights were good.   One was not very good and the rest were okay.  But I got a little better every time.  When I did my show in May, it was one of the best experiences of my life. 

Today I was reminded of two things:

1.     Many of my fears are unrealized, including the fear that I won’t survive if my fears are realized.

2.     Fear is just another way the Enemy keeps me from writing.

While dealing with some particular fears, I noticed that they weren’t as strong as they have been in the past.  I also realized that I can use the energy of fear to push me towards my goals.  I really want that house by the beach.  I also want to reach my written goals.  I like being single-minded.  I like having big goals and big plans.  I like having exciting things to anticipate.  It’s my favorite way of living life.

Increasingly, I understand the power of Purpose and the power of action.  Together I think they are an unbeatable combination.  The last few days have been painful and scary, but I survived them and came out stronger.  The worst part of most difficulties isn’t always the difficulties themselves, but the fear we attach to them.  President Franklin D. Roosevelt was preciscent when he said, “The only thing we have to fear is fear itself.”

That’s what I’m afraid of more than almost anything else.  I’m afraid that fear or sadness or depression will overtake me and that I will never experience joy again.  But I don’t think that fear will be realized either.  Here’s what I do think:

·      I think I’ll be living in my house by the beach within a year.

·      I think focusing on that goal will be extremely exciting.

·      I think the more I focus on my goals, the less time and energy I will have for fear.

·      I think I have a lot of work to do.

·      I think I need to write out a plan.

·      I think I need to Get Started and Keep Going.

Who Would I Be Without You?

“That is happiness; to be dissolved into something complete and great."


Willa Cather

“Who would I be without you?”

That’s really the question we’re all asking, isn’t it?  Who would I be without you?  Who would I be without that special someone, without friends, without a job, without my computer or cell-phone, without money, without health?  Who would I be?

There’s a similar question in William Shakespeare’s Hamlet:  To be or not to be.  In other words, should I be at all?  Is life worth living?  There is so much unfairness and pain in the world.  There’s injustice and pain and needless cruelty.  There’s loneliness and loss.  Hamlet says, since he didn’t know what the afterlife was like, he wasn’t going to kill himself because he might end up somewhere worse.  While I appreciate the perspective that something worse can make us realize that our current problems aren’t so bad, his answer to the question leaves me unsatisfied.

The reason for my deepest pain may lie in the idea that if something or someone ends with nothing, then I too am nothing.  If I don’t have that relationship or that job or that money or that possession, then I am nothing.  The idea that my identity depends on anything else outside of me is sad at best and dangerous at best.  The truth is that I was born with nothing and I will leave with nothing.  Nothing external, anyway. 

All that I am, all that I want to be or am afraid to be depends on me.  It depends on my choices.   Where then does God come into this?  When the prophet Samuel was looking for a king for Israel, God, rejecting the current king, said,  

"Do not consider his appearance or his height, for I have rejected him. The LORD does not look at the things man looks at. Man looks at the outward appearance, but the LORD looks at the heart."

God looks at our hearts.  He looks at our desires and, more importantly, our choices.  Because the heart is really about the choices we make.  We say a lot of things, but we often do the things our heart tells us to do.  When we don’t it’s because we are not following our hearts.  But it is my heart that determines who I am, and it is my actions that determine my heart.  It is also my actions that determine my destiny.

What about love?  Love exists to the degree that I love myself.  The greatest relationship in the world will become tainted without love for myself.  This is not an original thought, but the more I love myself, the more I can truly love others.  And love for myself is also determined by my choices and by living in my Purpose. 

I am not my relationships or my jobs or anything external.  I am my choices.  If I don’t like who I am, then I can make different choices, in word, thought and deed.  This is why I started writing over a year ago.  I didn’t like who I was becoming.  I didn’t like what my life was becoming.  And all it took to change it was a simple choice, one that I have had to make over and over, day after day, for over a year and for the rest of my life.

I don’t want to keep living because I’m afraid of dying.  If I’m afraid, then I’m already dying.  I want to keep living because I have reasons to live.  I am here for a Purpose.  In fact, I’m here for many Purposes.

Who would I be without you?  Whoever I want to be.  It is my choice.  Yes, there’s loss and sadness and pain, but these are not the sum of life.  There is also birth and renewal and hope ad Purpose.  There is joy.  This way is much more difficult.  It takes courage to live and it takes more courage to live for a reason.  It takes courage to Get Started and Keep Going.

For me, however, it is the only choice.

A Very Short Blog

It’s been a long day.  It hasn’t been a bad one, just a long one.  On the plus side, my middle daughter turned 11 today and she had a good day.  I got two blogs written, a radio show done, a bill paid, and I walked.   I also made some sales on eBay and making money always makes me happy.  On the negative side, I have some issues lingering and there’s nothing I can do but see how they resolve.  I’ve been fighting fear, but I’ve also been working. 

Action is what’s required, especially if I’m fighting fear, depression or anger.  So what I expect to happen is that I’m going to write this blog, my 420^th and by the time I’m done I will feel better.  I need to feel better.  This is the worst part – the part that feels like fear is going to overtake me.  I hate this part.  I fear the fear the most.  I fear the darkness that envelops me when I get like this.  Fortunately, I was able to tap on it, and my fears all but vanished.   I’m able to think clearly again. 

“You must control your thinking,” says Earl Nightingale in The Strangest Secret.  So that’s what I’m doing.  More accurately, I’m monitoring my thinking.  I’m aware when I’m sad or afraid or happy or calm.  If something negative comes up, I do something to direct it otherwise. 

Right now what I’m going to do is go to bed.  Sleep may make everything look better.  It’s just hard not knowing how things are going to work out.  So I’m going to Get Started and Keep Going…but I’m going to do it tomorrow.  This may be my shortest blog yet, but it’s okay.  They’re my blogs and there are no rules regarding their length.  I need some sleep.  I’ll probably feel a lot better.

Before I go to sleep I want to give thanks for the following things:

·      Flowers

·      My health

·      That Isabella had a good birthday

·      The book This Is It by Alan Watts

·      That I can choose my thoughts and emotions

·      My place

·      My car

·      All three of my daughters

·      That I sold some things on eBay today

·      My job

·      Food

·      Coffee

·      Sleep

I Have a Lot to Do

“No matter how you are feeling, get up every morning and prepare to let your light shine forth.”

Paolo Coehlo

“If you give your work life, your work will give you life. Vise-versa”

Maria Renteria

“There's nothing of any importance in life—except how well you do your work.”

Ayn Rand – Atlas Shrugged

I have a lot to do.  I got some extra time today, but I wasted some of it.  So now I’m going to write for a while.  I could also read, walk, take a nap, pay some bills or iron some clothes.  I could pray or clean my place.  Or I could write.  For now I choose to write.  Then I will do one of the other things I just mentioned.   All the professional writers I read about write for three to four hours a day.  I usually get in two inconsecutive hours.  So that’s why I’m writing now. 

I’m not sure if I’ll publish this blog.  If I do, I will be closer to my goal.  I still have a lot of work to do to reach 500.  I’m only at 418.  I think the important thing is just to write.  I’m so sorry that I wasted time this afternoon.   I wish I could be more self-disciplined.  Here’s something I realize.  When I take control of one area of my life, then I’m able to take control of other areas.  That’s a two-edged sword though.  When I lose control of one area of my life, I soon lose control of others. 

That’s why this is a constant battle. 

Constant.

I need to work harder.   I really do.

So I’m going to sit here and write and try to not let things interfere.  One area leads to another.  “Everything is everything.”

What does that phrase mean?  To me it means everything is connected.  We are all part of each other.  My actions affect your life and yours affect mine.  This causes me to be vigilant.  Are my actions the kind that I want affecting others?   Am I doing something good and positive in this world?  At this moment, yes, I am.  I’m writing.  This feels better than playing online games or browsing the Internet.  It feels better than complaining or on the phone about my problems.  It feels better than wasting time. 

It’s funny with as much work as I do to Get Started and Keep Going, I still lose sight of my Purpose.  For the last hour or so I did very little to move me towards my goals.  I’ve also been pretty negligent with exercise, my radio show, and reading.  It really is a battle every day.  I can’t lose sight of that.  Sometimes I win and sometimes I lose and sometimes both on the same day.  For example, I won when I spent time reading This Is It by Alan Watts, while my daughters were at softball practice.  I could have wasted that time playing a game.  But then later this afternoon, I wasted time doing nothing productive.

Is there a difference between wasting time and relaxing?   It’s not in the activity itself.  It’s how the activity makes me feel when I’m done.  Wasting time leaves me drained and depressed.  I feel worse afterwards.  Relaxing makes me feel better.  I remember once staying up late to watch a TV show and how frustrated I felt afterwards because I really needed to get up early.  The tension I caused myself cost me more sleep.  At other times I can watch TV quite contentedly (though not very often). 

There are often two voices in my head.  The first voice is tough, but loving and says, “You have work you could be doing.”

The other voice is calm and deceitful and says, “Relax.  Play a game.  Look at meaningless things and get involved in meaningless discussions.  Spend your day worrying or being angry or complaining.  Your work can wait.”

It’s true.  The work can wait, but not indefinitely.  I’ve lost opportunities before.  I don’t want to lose them again.  So yes, the work can wait, but since I don’t know for how long, it really can’t wait.  That’s why I’m writing.  That’s also why the Enemy fights me so hard and so consistently.  It never gives up.  I do, but it doesn’t.  In The War of Art, Steven Pressfield says,

Resistance is like the Alien or the Terminator or the shark in Jaws.  It cannot be reasoned with.  It understands nothing but power.  It is an engine of destruction programmed from the factory with one object only: to prevent us from doing our work.  Resistance is implacable, intractable, indefatigable.  Reduce it to a single cell and that cell will continue to attack.

This is Resistance’s nature.  It’s all it knows.

           

That’s what I deal with every day.   This is what everyone who is trying to

improve his or her life deals with, every day and every moment: an Enemy from within that cannot be reasoned with and will not change or tire.  Even now while I write, it wants to beat me up with fear or distractions or hurts from the past or worries about the future, near or immediate. 

So I keep writing.  I don’t worry about the battles I lost today.  That will just give strength to the Enemy.  In the Allan Watts book I referred to earlier, Watts says,

Yet the unexpected psychological fact is that man cannot control himself unless he accepts himself.  In other words, before he can change his course of action, he must first be sincere, going with and not against his nature, even when the immediate trend of his nature is toward evil, toward a fall.

I don’t think that Watts is saying that we should give in to our worst impulses, but that we should acknowledge them, so that we can move past them.  Sometimes resisting Resistance makes it stronger. 

So this blog was a victory.  Now I’m going to work on other things that are connected with my goals.  I’m going to Get Started and Keep Going…because I have a lot to do.

"Hay, nino!"

“I get knocked, down but I get up again

You're never gonna keep me down…”

Chumbawumba – Tubthumping

“Pack it up, pack it in

Let me begin

I came to win…”

House of Pain – Jump Around

"Don't worry, baby

Everything will turn out alright."

Beach Boys -  Don't Worry, Baby

“Hay, nino!”  

             That’s an expression I learned from my Mexican students when I made a mistake or did or said something foolish or silly.  (Nino is pronounced "NIN yo.")  There’s no direct translation, but it means in a loving and gentle way, “Silly boy!” or “Good grief, child!”  It’s usually said with a smile and with an affectionate laugh.  I’m hoping today will end with an “Hay, nino!”  More important, I’m hoping that I won’t repeat the mistakes of the past. 

I do tend to repeat mistakes.  I tend to do things that are at best silly, harmless or funny and, at worst, hurtful to others.  As I said in a previous blog, I don’t do these things intentionally, but I do them nonetheless.  Fortunately, I don’t do them all the time.  However, I have patterns of certain behaviors and, worse, patterns of thought that are very destructive.

The thought pattern to which I refer here is giving into fear.  This is how it goes:

1.     I have a problem with someone I love.

2.     I get scared.

3.     My mind tells me that I have permanently destroyed the relationship and that my friend will never talk to me again.

4.     I begin crying.

5.     My mind can’t focus on anything else.

6.     I call someone for prayer or I tap on it or I write.

7.     Sometimes I feel 100% and other times I feel 90% better, but there’s often still a residue of fear.

8.     The person with whom I had a problem lets me know that the problem wasn’t as big as I thought it was.

9.     I feel relieved and foolish.

I feel foolish because I needlessly dragged myself through an emotional maelstrom and because this has happened repeatedly throughout my life.   ‘

Needlessly. 

Repeatedly. 

I was sure that even the slightest conflict in a relationship meant that the relationship was officially over.  Incidentally, this refers to any problem I’ve had with anyone.  Last week, I thought one of my daughters would never speak to me again.  I thought for months that a friendship of 20 years was over.  I’ve been sure so many times that someone was mad at me and it turned out that person wasn’t even thinking about me.

Yesterday it happened again. 

And I got tired of it. 

I got tired of my pattern.

Maturity and wisdom do not come automatically with age or even with experience.  Maturity and wisdom can only be earned by a change in behavior.   That’s it.  That’s how it works.  Always.  I rarely use words like “always” but this time it applies.  If I want to be mature and wise, if I want to be a light to others, if I want to be a positive force in the world, if I want to grow up, I have to do things differently.  I cannot repeat the same patterns.

So today I have made some decisions.  I am not going to focus on my fears.  Fear is never going to keep my down.  I’m not going to fight them, nor am I going to surrender to them.  Instead, I’m walking away.  I have things to do today.  I’m going to do them.  I have things to do in my life.  I’m going to do them. 

There’s a house by the beach that is waiting for me.  I have writing to do and books to read and birthdays to celebrate and things to clean and organize.  I have books I need to publish.  I have money I need to make and save. 

Action is the antidote to despair.  It is the antidote to many things.

My constant emotional neediness exhausts me.  I’m just tired of it.  I’m tired of how it sucks out all my energy.  If the very worst happened and a friendship or a relationship ended, I would not die.  I would not spend the rest of my life crying and being unhappy.  I would move on. 

I have had relationships end.  And I’ve survived.  A couple of months ago a good friend died unexpectedly.  She was younger than me so this was quite a shock.  Yesterday while going through old text messages, I found one from her.  I felt a surge of sadness and loss.  I stayed with it for a while and grieved her passing.  Then I moved on to other things. 

My best friend died when he was 18.  More than ten years later when I would visit the parents, his room was left untouched.  I don’t know what it’s like to lose a child, but my judgment was that the parents were not able to move on to other things. 

I need to move on to other things.  Nobody has died.  I’m 99% certain that everything will be fine. Actually, I’m 100% that everything will be fine.  But even if it isn’t, it will be.

I am ready to Get Started and to Keep Going...  and I’m ready to hear, “Hay, nino!”  More importantly, I’m ready to say it to myself.

Forgiveness and Purpose II

“The weak can never forgive. Forgiveness is the attribute of the strong.”

Gandhi

“How does one know if she has forgiven? You tend to feel sorrow over the circumstance instead of rage, you tend to feel sorry for the person rather than angry with him. You tend to have nothing left to say about it all.”

Clarissa Pinkola Estes

Every once in a while I’m reminded that I’m human.  I make mistakes.  I hurt people.  I offend people.  I rarely do it on purpose, but I do it nonetheless.  I do it more often than I’d like.  It’s hard to be reminded of one’s humanity.  When I write, I can think.  I can plan.  I can edit.  I can even go back and delete what I said or say it differently and better.  Life doesn’t always afford such opportunities.

So I go on, making my mistakes, even repeating them sometimes and realizing I need grace every day.  I need grace from those I’ve hurt or offended.  I need grace from God.  I need grace for myself…from me.  Sometimes the hardest person to forgive is one’s self.  For years I was very hard on myself but over time I learned to forgive, though not forget.  It seems what I forget sometimes is to not repeat a behavior that caused problems in the past.

Still, and this is the wonderful thing, there’s a good side to this.  Awareness of my own shortcomings generally makes it easier to forgive others.  The only person I have trouble forgiving sometimes is the person who consistently treats me or others badly, but most of the time, I’m willing to let things go.  I realize that no one is perfect and we all need grace and forgiveness. 

There’s a story in the bible of a man who owes a king a huge sum of money.  The king threatens to throw the man in prison until he can pay the debt.  The man begs for mercy and, surprisingly, the king gives it.  He erases the man’s debt.  Completely.  This not only spares the man; it spares his wife and children as well. 

I know what it is to be in financial debt.  Never once in my life has any company ever forgiven my debts.  I’ve been sent threatening letters.  I once had my tax refund taken.  My current phone company sent a collection agency after me because I returned a non-working phone, one that lasted only a month, to a different branch than where I purchased.  But no company has ever said, “It’s okay.  The debt is forgiven.”

If that had happened, I would be spreading the story far and wide, telling everyone I knew how much kindness was extended to me.  I would be ecstatic.  That’s how I imagined the forgiven servant would feel.  The most sensible response would be joy and relief.  And if, after being forgiven my debt, I met someone who owed me a bare fraction of what I was forgiven, I would probably laugh and say, “Don’t worry about it!  Let me tell you what just happened!”

Surprisingly, the forgiven servant does completely the opposite.  He accosts someone who owes him far less money and has him thrown into debtor’s prison.  When the king hears about he has the man dragged before him, tells him he should have forgiven the other man because he was forgiven, and then has the man thrown into debtors prison too.

The price of non-forgiveness is high.  It imprisons us. 

Years ago a dear friend hurt me deeply, the way only dear friends can.  It created in me a bitterness that I could not escape and it lasted for about a year.  Then one Sunday night at a church I didn’t normally attend, a pastor who was not normally there preached on forgiveness.  He said that sometimes we had to ask God to enable us to forgive because the hurt was just too deep.  I asked God to help me forgive and He did.  That night, in an instant, the bitterness of a year was gone…completely and forever.  It was a wonderful and freeing experience.

Today I unintentionally hurt someone and when she extended forgiveness to me, I again felt free.  Her forgiveness also kept her free.  But the story doesn’t end there.  Tonight someone came to me and asked my forgiveness for hurtful things she had said.  I understood why she said what she said, but it still hurt.  Mostly I felt bad for the burden she was carrying.  Tonight she was able to let it go as she asked my forgiveness.   She was crying and I was crying.  Once more two people were freed.

Forgiveness isn’t a choice; it’s the only choice if one wants emotional freedom. 

Without forgiveness, it’s hard to Get Started and Keep Going.  It’s hard to find Purpose, because bitterness keeps us blinded.  Bitterness gives us strength, energy and adrenaline, but it sucks the life out of us at the same time.  I appreciate all the forgiveness I’ve been granted and I appreciate the forgiveness I’ve been able to extend.  

Emotions and Purpose

“Don’t worry.  Be happy.”

Bobby McFerrin

“A man who is master of himself can end a sorrow as easily as he can invent a pleasure. I don't want to be at the mercy of my emotions. I want to use them, to enjoy them, and to dominate them.”

Oscar Wilde

“Flowers are restful to look at. They have neither emotions nor conflicts.”

Sigmund Freud

Emotions, as powerful as they seem, aren’t as powerful as they seem.  Fear, hatred, anger, despair – these feelings can threaten to overtake us, but they aren’t real.  They are only as real as we make them.  I’m not saying that people can’t suffer emotional pain or depression.  I’m also not telling people to “get over it.”  I’m no expert.  All I have is my own experience.  I also struggle with handling my own emotions sometimes. 

I’ve also experienced some amazing moments when I was able to be free of more painful feelings and move into joy.  I’ve written about this before.  I’ve mentioned prayer, tapping, purpose and action as powerful remedies.  I’ve also taken naps, listened to good music and focused on the inner body.  I’ve smiled as an act of discipline.   All of these are solutions I’ve implemented after I was hit by a negative emotion.  Are there things I can do before being affected by negative emotions?  Can I avoid the negative altogether?  Here are some things that have helped:

·      Regular exercise

·      Reading good books

·      Using my time well

·      Prayer as a habit and not just a means of rescue

·      Speaking positively

·      Drinking water

·      Avoiding stressful situations

·      Getting enough sleep

·      Having a goal

·      Having a purpose

·      Measuring my progress

·      Saving money

·      Monitoring what comes into my heart and mind

·      Loving others

·      Cleaning my place

All these things and more keep me from being attacked or overwhelmed by negative emotions.  In other words, there are preventative measures I can take to stay positive.  Today for example I avoided stress by arriving early somewhere rather than trying to run an errand first.  I decided the errand could wait.  It was better to go to my appointment peacefully.  I’m tired of creating stress for myself.  I need to stop doing that.  Right now, for example, I’m trying to finish this blog before midnight.  Stop.  It doesn’t matter.  I just need to finish it.  It doesn’t matter when.   I need to stop constantly racing the clock. 

I also need to not put less pressure on myself.  I still have goals.  I still plan to reach them, but I want to get to my house by the beach peacefully.  So I’m going to keep practicing peace and gratitude. 

So can I avoid negative emotions altogether?  I think it’s possible, but it takes tremendous self-discipline.  I’m not going to make it a goal though.  I’m going to make it a result.  My goal will be to take care of myself spiritually, physically, intellectually and emotionally.  Then I will probably deal with fewer negative emotions.  If negative emotions do arise, I can just be aware of them and let them pass.  Action is the antidote for many things, but especially negative emotions.  So I’m going to Get Started and Keep Going…and feel good.