Tonight I felt hopeless. It’s not the first time I’ve
felt hopeless in the last year or so. I’ve been in an ongoing battle for hope
for several months now. It’s been one disaster after another. My own mind doesn’t
help matters. I recently learned that I struggle with anxiety. I’m not sure to what
degree, but it explains a lot. In his book, The
Courage to Be, Paul Tillich differentiates anxiety from fear, the latter
being a response to a real event or danger. Anxiety is more free-floating and
can be present when no actual threat is present. I think many of us might be
anxious. Some anxiety may feel justified. As I’ve said, I’ve had several events
in the last year and a half that have ranged from exhausting to traumatic. Some
are ongoing. None have completely resolved and I have many things hanging over
my head.
Lately I’ve had this fantasy in which I get up one
morning, very early, pack a few things, and drive away while it’s still dark, telling
no one, leaving everything and everyone behind, except that which I can put in
my car. In my fantasy I drive to some small desert town and get a job as a janitor
or as a convenience store clerk. In my spare time I read and live alone. I keep
to myself and live out my days alone and quiet. I’m never seen again.
It’s a great fantasy. It’s the fantasy of someone who is
emotionally exhausted. But it’s also a fantasy of a coward. I don’t have the
luxury of running away. Nor do I truly have a desire to do so. What keeps me
from acting out my fantasy? The first reason is that I have people l love and
am committed to where I am. My Muse wants me here, not for my comfort, but for
my growth. My children want me here, not for my comfort, but for their growth. I
cannot be the man I am supposed to be in the wilderness. I cannot dessert to
the desert.
The second reason I will not flee is because I am with
me wherever I go. I created, directly and indirectly the life I have now, and I
would just re-create it somewhere else because I would still be me. I would
still be the man who loves his children and tries to do the right thing and
tries to listen to his Muse. We keep creating and re-creating our problems
until we truly solve them.
Finally, life, true life, requires courage. Paul Tillich
says this: “Courage is strength of mind, capable of conquering whatever
threatens the attainment of the highest good. It is united with wisdom, the virtue
which represents the four cardinal virtues, (the two others being temperance
and justice.”[1]
Courage then, when used, brings with it wisdom, temperance,
and justice.
These blogs almost always encourage the reader to Get
Started and Keep Going. I’ve often said that Getting Started is the harder
part. I was wrong. It’s often surprisingly easy to get started (but not always).
To keep going, day after day, week after week, month after month, year after
year – that’s hard. These last several months have been the hardest of my life,
not only because of the difficulties, but because of their severity, their
frequency, and their seeming unending nature. I have sometimes felt that I am
specially cursed by God for reasons I don’t understand and that my life will
always be like this. Or maybe, just maybe, if I Keep Going, I will end up at
the beach instead of the desert with my Muse and my children watching the waves
from my house.
