I hate myself. I hate
my life. I hate the stress that comes with a new situation. I hate how I never
feel prepared enough no matter how little or how much I work. I hate how I don’t
use my time as well as I thought I would. I hate how I feel that I’m not
reaching my potential.
I’ve had this
problem all my life, but it really became evident when I was in the 7th
grade. I was lazy, disorganized, immature, and afraid. Bad work habits (no work
habits) and disorganization brought me to a place of self-loathing as
assignment after assignment piled up and my report card looked worse and worse.
I was sure that I was stupid and that everyone else was better and smarter than
me. I was terrified and miserable and the only things that would have fixed it
were understanding the work I was supposed to do (math was especially hard) and
doing my homework every day. But I didn’t know this. I also didn’t know I had
ADHD.
Now I’m working
with students who have some of the same problems. I work with a group of 7th
and 8th graders who all admitted to me that the reason they are in
the Credit Recovery class is for not doing their work. They are smart enough to
not blame their teachers or anyone else. They take the responsibility. But they
need to go further. They need to change what got them to me in the first place.
So my job as a teacher is not to teach only about Charlemagne or the Holy Roman
Empire or George Washington, but to teach students self-discipline and love for
learning. I need to teach them that purposeful action is the key to self-love.
I also need to
teach them (or maybe myself) to not be too hard on themselves. This self-hate
is really just another form of self-sabotage that keeps us from doing our work.
Also, that critical voice is never satisfied. It never says, “Okay, you’ve done
enough. Good job.” It always says that you haven’t done enough or that that it
could be better. Here’s the funny thing. It rarely is enough and it probably
could be better. But that’s not the point. The point is I got started.
This is what I want
to teach my students – to Get Started. So many things don’t get finished
because they don’t even get started. The other thing I want to teach them is to
Keep Going. That is the other reason things don’t get finished. People don’t
Keep Going until something is done.
But when we finish
something, even if it’s not perfect, (whatever that means) the self-hate
disappears. At least mine does. I realize it was a lie, that I don’t hate
myself, I’m just nervous. That’s when my Muse comes and whispers in my ear. “Good
work. You did your best. Don’t compare yourself to others, no matter how much
you admire them. When you read a book on how to get better in something, even a
very good book, and the author seems perfect and disciplined and orderly, just
remember that he or she is a writer just like you. He or she is also imperfect
just like you. You only see the book, not the whole life. And he or she is
growing and changing just like you.”
And when I feel
disappointed in myself, my Muse adds, “I am not disappointed. I am so proud of
you and everything that you are doing.” I love that encouragement. It’s the
same encouragement I want to give to my students. I want to do for them what my
Muse does for me – show them that they can Get Started and Keep Going.
